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Poetry / Cold
With twisted nails inlayed his tongue his words infectious and cold,
The bond he severed, a joint between the cartilage and the bone.
He never thought past the tears he thought he’d cry…
And in fear of this, his selfish wish was to distance and not to try.
No words could change its idle state, and attempt made it worse,
The other’s hands were growing callus from trying to till the dirt.
With tired arms and no sense of hope he fell into a heap,
The amity that once was fierce, now from his eyes did seep.
First a boy with concern of rust, his skin as numb as lead,
Then the boy who cried aloud with nothing to be said…
They bind within the tribal girl they once sat down to draw
Seems to end before it began, Jai sits to think in awe.
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AdRiElLe753 reviewed Version 1 -
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its a very sketchy poem, something you really have to think about….
im going to guess that it means that the boy had thoughts of his own that he thought were bad, so he was a bitter person?
then when he says whats on his mind out loud he gets rejected by the others whodig into him, and he thinks of himself as dirt..
the boy that you are talking about could reflect on how you feel about the world, others, even yourself….
am i close?
do ou get what i mean?
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Itacelis reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved the rhythm and rhyming scheme. It was absolutely delicious. Lines 5-8 are my favourite. Great work. :)
megster36 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good poem. I like the words chosen to give more meaning and the imagery like “With twisted nails inlayed his tongue his words infectious and cold” It really draws you into the poem and gives you a great image in your mind’s eye. Great job!
the_girl_in_the_shadows reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really well written, but it left me confused. I think integrating more meaning into the poem would make it stronger. I am not normally very demanding for increased transparency, but I think that in this case a little bit more context would help strengthen the story. Perhaps that is because it is told as a story. The severance of the joint seems a great metaphor, but I[‘m not sure what its a metaphor for. Ifyou clarify that, and draw the metaphor out through the rest of the poem (its kind of isolated as it is) I think it would really make the poem stronger.
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