I can’t believe I paid credits for your “critique”. Wax philisophical in your own blogs/writings… grr!
Short Story / Sauna Etiquette
So when I happen to have enough energy to wander on down to the local Bally’s Total Fitness gym, and pump the heavy iron that I know I should, but routinely fail to do. I find myself agog at the lack of respect for the sauna “rules”. The “rule” that I’m referencing in particular, would be the plastic posted signs that frequent the men’s changing/sauna area, and I can only assume in the women’s as well, that clearly state the need for swimwear to be donned at all times; I think if you read further, there is some crap about not bringing bottles in or pouring water on the hot stones… but I digress.
One evening I find myself awake and without excuses. I pack my gym bag and drive down to the only 24 hour Bally’s in the Los Angeles area that is relatively close. I work out and pretend I’m looking as studly as I may be… and while dragging my limp and muscle torn frame into the comforting heat of the dry sauna, I find myself coming face to apendage with a fully exposed, and somewhat proud, penis and his owner. He seemed perfectly willing to share his penis with me, while smiling at my entrance and his immediate constituants. I quickly averted my eyes, not wanting to be rude, as well as feeling slightly uncomfortable at that particular moment. Through my paripheral vision I sensed that others, besides this nudist, were also sans clothes. One extremely hairy man, was wearing only a gold chain and a smile. Perhaps, it’s my own misgivings about my size in comparison to other men, or perhaps it’s the fear that he and the other 3 individuals, that seemed to also be unabashedly soaking up the warmth “legs apart”, might decide to forcibly induct me into their gaylord cadre. Whatever the reason(s), I found myself completely taken by surprise. As I stared with great interest at the wooden planks that made up the bench and analyzed their porous surface as never before, I begin to chastise my attitude. I’d like to think of myself as a rather accepting sort of bloke. I have a few gay and bi friends, and even though I do not have that “leaning”, I am openly affectionate with my words and have true heart felt acceptance and appreciation for them as human beings that also breath the air that enshrouds this planet, even if it is slowly filling with green house gases (Los Angeles especially). So I wondered at that moment… am I homophobic… or am I a closet-case, or are these guys just really ugly, or am I afraid that they are all Republican… Mormons, snake oil sales men… the list went on, rattling through my brain at a blinding speed as each drop of sweat, caused more by my uncomfortable state, than the temperature, traced my half naked form.
Conclusion! None of the above. I find that when given a rule, I seem to follow it, even if it may cause me a loss of precious time. I’m a proud believer in “queuing up” as the British would say. Following a code of conduct or path of travel that has been determined most efficient or “in my best interest” even though I have not actively cogitated on whether it is or not. The bottom line is… the rules said for me to wear a cod covering, and so I do; you may at this time call me narrow-minded or easily lead. However, being blindsided (and in this instance, blinded as well), by lawless ruffians disturbs me. It feels like they have taken over the dry sauna for themselves as some sort of revolutionary coup, even though we are all guests of Mr. Bally; and I use the term “them” to denote the NAKED versus the CLOTHED.
So then I started wondering, sort of a mental retreat from the situation I suppose; I wonder if in the woman’s saunas, do the girls have the same restrictions, and do they adhere to them… or do you ladies get sweaty and nakedly comment to each other about your sizes and preferences on underwire or Miracle bras. In my minds eye I see the women explaining this via the Italian’s-Hand-Disease™, the art of talking with grand hand movements. Perhaps to cup the breast just so in an attempt to explain just where chaffing occurs or the softs spots of certain models of bras and so on and so forth.
Unfortunately, I thought on that topic a little too long and became somewhat aroused. It was then, that I had to leave the sauna, not wanting to explain my physical state to such company; much to the displeasure of my knotted muscles the following day. Which just further cements my previous declaration: FOLLOW THE RULES! If the male sauna had been the platonic utopia I had expected I could still be formulating a solution as to what really goes on in woman’s saunas. Which I’m sure half of the populous agrees is a “must solve” if we are to further ourselves as a upstanding and innovative race.
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Interval reviewed Version 1 -
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Such a funny and well-articulated anecdote. You approach the situation with a casual, utterly engaging manner, as if you’re talking to your best friend about it. The only thing that slightly detracts from this work is the spelling and grammar, but of course I give writers like you the benefit of the doubt that, when pressed (or given a royalty contract) you could hack these unsightlies out.
CHEERS
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CrazyBeautiful reviewed Version 1 -
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This 86 word review has not been unlocked.
Warcorpse reviewed Version 1 -
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I want this story given to every guy that has done this in MY gym. To answer the question in the story yes this does go one in the ladies locker room. As many of my female freinds have told me in disgust.
if you were to submit this work i think this is really more of a essay than a short story
Beyond that it’s very well written
Good Job
Dave
jezabel reviewed Version 1 -
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well you had me there for a minute. I was almost going to say good show old man, but then you had to go pull the typical man bit. I hate how everyman thinks that woman just get naked and make out all the time, but then when faced with the same thing men want women to deal with men quickly turn it down.why should i like tits and ass if you dont like penis and balls. There is a reason we’re attracted to the other sex. It is not so that we can show them how much we enjoy whats on our own bodies. but besides that man, most nudist are the ugly people, and they rudly thrust their uglyness in other peoples faces instead of just being normal and trying to acent their good features and hide the bad, but i guess that is because they know they are ugly and want to act proud of it or something, but i hate all nudist male and female. Nudity is okay in your own place, but not at a gym.
Nicola6 reviewed Version 1 -
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Embellished for brevity – that’s good!
I enjoyed this witty, fast-paced peice of writing. Great entertainment value. I came away with the idea that your temper was only just under control regarding this issue. I could almost imagine you developing a nervous facial twitch while attempting to repress your pent up frustration at other’s disregard for the clothing rule. I love people who rant and rave in this way so long as they can laugh at themselves for doing so. And even more those who can turn it into a peice of art. And you most certainly can do both.
P.S. Next time wear a pair of dark glasses and lay a towel over your lap.
KatieDub226 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love your characterization of the hairy man in the gold chain. Instead of how you say it, which is quite verbose, maybe you can condense it into a regular caricature of the burly man in a chain: “The hairy man wore only his chain and a smile.” As if we all already KNOW this hairy man because he’s a type-cast gym-rat.
I loved when you analyzed the wood of the sauna (hilarious). I might axe the part about your gay/bi friends because I think it’s irrelevant to the piece. No one is accusing you of being a homophobe, and if they are, then they are taking this piece way too seriously.
Very funny topic, I enjoyed it thoroughly.
warrior_princess_86 reviewed Version 1 -
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Haha. What goes on in a woman’s sauna? Well wouldn’t you like to know? ;P
I had my first experience in a gym sauna not too long ago. Now, being not even 20 and somewhat naive, I assumed a woman’s sauna would be a haven where I could steam away my aches in privacy. Well, how wrong I was.
While this gym had no particular guidelines on clothes [or the lack thereof] in the sauna, every single woman [and this is Asia here where some semblance of modesty still prevails] chose to go nekkie and proudly at that.
I had never seen such an array of breasts and asses of all sizes and colours. I almost decided to forgo the sauna even though I knew I would pay for it later.
And just to satisfy prurient male fantasies, yeah women do make out in the sauna or restrooms. They are just more discreet about it. lol
mylethia70 reviewed Version 1 -
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i don’t have the knowledge for techie reviewing. i love to read and i enjoyed what you wrote. rogue poet that i am, i have come to look for honesty even in thieves. you are an honest male human with fears and desires that live right below the skin. you let them show with a few well placed blows to the system where they are deserved. digress at your pleasure.
you are not afraid to poke fun at yourself and you stand firm for your beliefs. when you are faced with the absurd i have to give you my hat ACE, you are a gent.
by the way we ‘ladies’ wag on from boyfriends to childbirth, it gets ugly. stick to you illusion. peace/
EES reviewed Version 1 -
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Don’t start the whole thing with “So”!
Okay in the first sentance, what are you trying to say? I hate the ”...” in stories, those are for speach, not writing. They indicate that something else is there, if it is you need to let us know what that is- that is what writing is about. You tell me so when I happen… but you never tell me what happens. Like you say you lift the thing you say that rioutinley fail to do so, but you never finish, so in an essance that sentance is a fragment.
Then you jump into the “rule” talk. Why do you do this here? What does it have to do with how you rarely go the gym to pump iron. It needs it’s own paragraogh and the other one needs to have a point.
“The “rule” that I’m referencing in particular, would be the plastic posted signs that frequent the men’s changing/sauna area; and I can only assume in the women’s as well.” Just say that the signs were posted in the changing sauna area and don’t mention men’s or woman’s, that doesn’t really matter.
You digress? Well don’t.
Your style isn’t working for me: it reads like some e-mail that you are sending about the office.
TirzahLaughs reviewed Version 1 -
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You have some punctuation errors that need to be addressed but overall an interesing little sidecar.
I think it is a little underdeveloped as a story.
what if you played it to where he thinks about the women, gets aroused, has the other guys look at him like he’s the pervert, have a mild conversation and he leaves upset.
That may give you a bigger climax…so to speak.
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