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Novel Treatments / Dreamweaver - Chapter 4
Of course, at first I didn’t know it was a goddess, all I knew was that suddenly there was an incredibly tall woman standing in a pool of moonlight, wearing flowing white robes and bare feet.
Amirra now stood beside me looking puzzled.
I stood, dumbfounded.
She spoke up. “Who are you? What’s going on here?”
The goddess laughed a musical laugh that sounded like a chorus of voices rather than a single one. “Don’t you know?”—she didn’t wait for a reply but continued on.—“I am Selene, goddess of the moon and night.”
I started giggling. Yeah, you heard me, giggling; I’d lost it, the freaky woman walking on water, the repeating dream, the lake, and now this. A goddess? Yeah right.
Selene smiled at me in a bemused way.
She didn’t have the beauty of the lake-girl, but an odd timelessness, a perfection that made her age impossible to guess, her looks impossible to measure. “You need proof?” she asked, still smiling vaguely, “Fine mortal, watch.”
And before my eyes, she scooped up a piece of night. Really, she held a piece of night cupped in her hands. When I looked closer I saw it was a miniature version of the black sky, the moon, the stars, the inky darkness, all contained within a miniature sphere in the goddess’ hand. Needless to say I stopped laughing, and stood, stupefied, in silence once again.
“Better.” Selene said simply, letting her tiny ball of sky slip from her hand into the lake’s edge, where it sunk into the water’s depths.
“What’s going on?” Amirra demanded.
Selene turned back to us, apparently no longer able to contain herself.
“We don’t need your magic tricks, either you explain what’s happened here, or you can leave.” Amirra words were on fire.
Selene looked taken aback by Amirra’s boldness, but I wasn’t surprised. Amirra always spoke her mind, probably part of the reason no one liked her, and by the look on her face there was no way in hell she thought Selene was anything more than a tall eccentric playing dress-up.
Selene didn’t take it lightly. “Don’t speak to me as you do your dirty mortal friends.” She hissed, and with a nearly effortless gesture, demonstrated on her an act of torture far too agonizing to be compared to any magician’s act.
Amirra started to scream as soon as Selene finished her sentence. Not in fear, but in horrid, blood-curdling agony. She screamed on and on, falling to her knees and clutching at her stomach. She started clawing at herself, making deep scratches in her legs, though no wounds were visible besides the ones she inflicted on herself.
“Stop it!” I yelled desperately “Stop it, you’ll kill her!”
As if verifying my plea, Amirra started forming words along with her screaming. At first she pleaded the goddess to kill her, to let her die instead of the pain.
Selene only smiled and shook her head.
Amirra’s sentences became more broken, racked with sobs, eventually becoming nothing more than incoherent, rambling shouts. For the first time in her life, her pride and dignity was gone, replaced by the all-consuming urge to stop the pain that racked her small frame.
I yelled at Selene to stop, pleading in Amirra’s place
She ignored me, delighting in her victim’s ordeal.
Amirra let out a final, horrible scream, and then collapsed to the ground, her screams and movements subsiding abruptly. She didn’t try to get up, and neither moving nor speaking again.
Selene laughed a terrifying, mirthless laugh that revealed the demon she must truly be. After a moment, she calmed herself and gave me a disdainful glance.
Apparently satisfied that I was scared to death and feeling entirely helpless, she asked curtly, “Nicholas, do you know what you’ve done?”
I thought about asking how she knew my name, but figured that at this point it wasn’t a real surprise.
Sitting down gracefully on a large rock by the water’s edge, she asked again, “Do you know what you’ve done, Nicholas?”
I hesitated, and then shook my head.
Selene sighed, and beckoned me over with a wave of her hand, “This won’t be pleasant,” she warned, taking a firm grasp on the top of my head.
She was right. A thousand images swept over me like giant waves, accompanied by a torrent of mismatched sounds and screams. As picture after picture slammed recklessly into my head, I felt as if my brain would explode. None of it made sense, just horror and screaming and death over and over. Every time I tried to make sense of an image, it disappeared, only to be replaced by another, more confusing then the first. Eventually the entourage slowed, and stopped but for a single, horrible scream that sounded as if it came from a young man. After a minute I realized the screamer was me. I clamped my mouth shut and looked up, panting.
“Now you know.” Selene said simply, smirking.
“Um…” I said, flashing my never-ceasing intellect. Once I regained full use of my vocal chords, I politely inquired of the goddess as to what the freaking hell was going on.
Her response was a look that made me feel about the size of an ameba. “Wonderful.” Selene sighed, but despite her obvious distain, I could tell she was pleased at her display of superiority.
Just then Amirra stirred slightly and let out a weak little cry, like a dying cat, immensely relived that she was still alive.
I jumped to my feet and started to hurry over to her. I never made it.
One minute, I was running, the next I was flat on my back, looking up, bewildered, at the starry sky. It was as if an invisible wall had materialized, blocking my path. I got up and felt the air in front of me. The barrier was still there, try as I might to break through, all I achieved was what would have been an extremely convincing mime-stuck-in-a-box routine, if anyone had been around to see it.
“We’re not finished yet.” Selene said coldly, “Your little wench will have to wait.”
“She’s not my…” Selene’s glance broke my statement off in mid-sentence.
“Don’t argue with me, mortal.” She said, putting cold influence on the word ‘mortal’ as if to remind me of my prior ameba-sized significance.
I gulped, and, at the deity’s beckon, sat before her like the obedient pup I had become.
She smiled in a way that would have been infuriating, if I hadn’t been shaking in fear of a fate close to Amirra’s, “I suppose I should have known your tiny brain was too slow to process the information I gave you. Pity, it would have saved some of my time.”
I didn’t respond to the insult, but Selene didn’t seem to expect me too.
“You’ve unleashed a terrible ancient evil and doomed your planet.” She continued calmly.
I looked at her blankly, struggling with the insane concept. “Oh.” I said finally, then, realizing the lameness of it, added “Really?”
“Uh-huh” she said absently, glancing at her fingernails, apparently bored.
“So…um…” I started, after an awkward silence. “What do I have to do to, uh, stop it?”
“Her” she corrected, without looking up, “To stop Her, you must find Her and rebind Her to the lake before She launches her attack on your race.”
“Oh.” I said again. “How long does that give me to, uh, bind Her?”
“I’d say one cycle.” She answered, now examining a spot on her robe.
“Only a month?” I burst out, mortified.
Selene laughed silkily. “A cycle of the Gods,” she said, now obviously amused, “A week of your time.”
“Oh.” I said. “Oh crap.” We sat in yet another uncomfortable silence for a minute or so.
Selene stood up abruptly. “I must go.” She said, and began to walk away.
“Wait!” I yelled, “No, I don’t know what to do!”
Selene sighed, apparently overwhelmed by my ignorance, and stopped to look back at me. “The lake, it’s a gateway. Swim straight down the middle. I’ll send a guide to meet you on the other side.” With that, she disappeared. Literally, one minute she was there, the next I was alone, well except for – Amirra!
Remembering my fallen comrade, well, not so much comrade, but we were both confused and screwed so I supposed we were in this together, I ran to her side. The ‘wall’ had vanished along with Selene, so I arrived unscathed. I knelt beside her, but just as I bent to wake her, she opened her eyes, sat up, and slapped me hard across the face.
“What the hell was that for?” I asked, taken aback.
“For getting me into this mess.” She said coolly, “Now tell me what’s going on.”
I told her everything Selene had said. Granted, it wasn’t much, but it’s all I knew.
Amirra sat and listened, raising her eyebrows every now and then, but said nothing. She seemed to sink into thought for a moment, and then said “Well, let’s go then.”
“Er…” I started but she cut me off.
“Well what else are we supposed to do?” she exploded, “If the human race is doomed because of you,” She put emphasis on the ‘you,’ “Then it’s not looking to well for us, is it? We’ve only got a week, so I suggest we make the best of it.”
I nodded nervously, but backed away a little, still rubbing my cheek where she’d hit me.
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I love your style. There are portions of this where the imagery is terrific and the events are well detailed and imagined. The flooding of his thoughts to name but one.
At first I thought having the comedy counterplay against the seriousness of their situation might be a little awkward but as I continued through this you’ve really got a feel for these characters and how much comedy works. You balance the comedy of these characters well with the serious tone of the story itself.
There are some tense change issues but nothing that another read-through won’t take care of.
You keep your characters believable by keeping them true to each one’s nature.
Story is mixed proportionately with action to keep the reader interested and move the story along.
I really enjoyed this chapter. Thank you for sharing.
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This is good work, original too.
“I started giggling. Yeah, you heard me, giggling; I’d lost it, the freaky woman walking on water, the repeating dream, the lake, and now this. A goddess? Yeah right” .. This is a bit too coloquial, I think you need to sharpen up…
For such a young person , this piece of writing shows promise. There is a freshness here, but the thoughts need to be better organised. But the writer has the promise of an author.
This is proofing to be a great read. The more chapters I read the more I can visualise your characters and get a better understanding of where the story is going to end. The ending isn’t obviouse to me as they are with some stories that you read. Each part keeps the mystery away from the outcome of the storyline. What can I say brilliant.
Your goddess sounds as confused as the characters are. This does not make sense. Your goddess seems taken aback too often by the actions of your characters, their comments, their replys. Would not a goddess expect this, know her subject intimately, so that what they say and does not surprise her. Or if they did, she would not show it very easily…”Shes a goddess man, one of the powers of the universe, all knowing, all powerful, within whatever limits she has.”
The other problem I have is still the same from the previous review I gave you on POINT OF VIEW…1st person, this is very weak for a 1st person POV. You need to show more instead of telling. ITs slightly better than the last, but only slightly.
Remember, this review is just one reviewers thoughts and is not meant to say you suck, but you need to work on a few things to truly allow the reader to hear your story from your characters own voices. You also have to make it believable, even though it is Fantasy fiction. I wish you the best my young friend.
What is there to say that I haven’t said about the other installments already? Great writing… a fusion of mythology and young adult realism. A marraige of new and old! oh my. Nice work mate.
August 05, 2006
Deleted User
Nicely work. I should find more chapters. Good work, wish I could give a more helpful review. Possibly more detail between the very constant dialogue?
August 04, 2006
Deleted User
Ok… first thing I noticed?
‘Of course, at first I didn’t know it was a goddess, all I knew was that suddenly there was an incredibly tall woman standing in a pool of moonlight, wearing flowing white robes and bare feet.’ – you don’t describe her. Is she blonde, brunette, red-head? Round face, oval, heart shaped? Blue eyes, green, grey, brown?
Descriptions aren’t a waste of time, especially when it comes to a charactor. We need to know what she looks like, and you can’t just leave that up to us to decide… that makes for a boring read.
Other than that, this felt forced:
‘Selene smiled at me in a bemused way’- I like the word bemused, it’s rich and descriptive, but I think it’s the wording that doesn’t make it sound right. Maybe try to fiddle with the sentence a bit and see what else you can come up with.
Alright, those are my only real critiques for this one. All in all, a nice job done.
I loved that she laughed “Silkily”
Since there aren’t any specific questions, I’ll just give a quick overview. I think that you might benefit from a quick biography of each character, to delve into their own psyche to further examine not just what they say, but how.
You’ve already started this, and you have the “why” down pat – I’d just suggest delving a bit deeper than you arleady have. Beautiful written.
the more I read of this treatment the more I think it is publishable—I will look for more of your work it is good Keep it up.
I like a good fantasy story and this proved to be one. Good work
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