Not one of my personal favs, but thanks. I’m thinking of gutting it for the middle and changing it to a vignette.
Poetry / A Closer Look
A Closer Look
Looking at the underside
of a dead yellow-jacket
splayed out
in fluorescent light
on a cardboard
box top slab,
I nearly
pass it by.
But then I see that
infinitely fractal abdomen
meticulously inked
in goldenrod and pitch -
each tiny, slender leg
uniform and perfect,
each gossamer wing
a masterpiece
of root beer-colored
stained glass splendor.
I know little enough
about art,
but to know anything at all
is to recognize
the work of an artist.
©J.S. Lange, 2005
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insphy reviewed Version 1 -
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this sounds like a story more than a poem i’d really work on defining this poem if thats the direction your going like the flow needs some work say it out loud to help and maybe drop some of the bigger words for words that tie the ryhm scheme together being able to use big words is great but if the audiance gets lost in them its the same as using the same old words
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Loba reviewed Version 1 -
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Fairly sound peice.
Full of great descriptions and images.
Could use some minor adjustments.
Some of the line breaks were a distracting and unnecessary use of engambment:
“I nearly/pass it by.”
Some bits were unnecessarily wordy:
“about art,but to know
anything at all is to recognize”
Good start.
Fossilized_Sap reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this poem. Very simple and beautiful. The last line is definitely a clincher. The whole poem leads up to that last line, without ever giving the reader any idea that what you are about to say, is profound. Great job!
zahir reviewed Version 1 -
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Fantastic imagery! Great, descriptive words: “splayed”, “gossamer”, “meticulously inked” “stained glass splendor”.
Really like this!
blkjagdrvr reviewed Version 1 -
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I appreciate a story that sets a vector, stays on track, and closes on it’s main point; you have done that here.
I also appreciate the attention paid to punctuation; not that I am an expert myself, just allow me say your efforts shine through here. A lot of the poetry submitted to URBIS would be better for it, if your example was followed.
Lastly let me add: Anyone who can find a home for “fractal” in a poem is ok in my book.
Regards
anon reviewed Version 1 -
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i have much higher standards for older writers, hence the low score. “gossamer wing” by this point is a cliche, i would avoid it. As an atheist, i’m not especially bothers by a somewhat religious work, and for all intents and purposes, it’s a pretty direct poem. the work with art, shorten, it drags, and doesn’t say much. consider this:
But then I see that
infinitely fractal abdomen
meticulously inked
in goldenrod and pitch -
each tiny, slender leg
of root beer-colored
stained glass splendor.
I know little of art,
but to know anything at all
is to recognize
the work of an artist.
there are more cuts, but this gives and idea.
the lines are too short and choppy; a line is a poem is to be a complete thought, just like any other, unless they’re for some purpose of meter and verse, which these are not. bear this in mind and realize that you’re looking at about a ten line poem max, the shorter the better with a pretty simple idea.
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