Poetry / Time

this is definatly a gr8 piece of writing. it sums up what ‘time’ is completley, after all its something we’ve all got n all experienced differently. really like it. well done

This seems alright as a starting point, but it needs a lot of revision.

To start with, it’s packed full of chiches. Lines 1, 7, 9, and more of the others are phrases that you hear everyday. Try not to use so many cliches.

Also, the subject matter itself is cliched.

Try to approach this differently. If you could relate what you’re trying to say in a fresh way, then it would work.

But it’s a great starting point. Just keep revising and revising.

This was nice man.
The word choice didn’t completely pullme into the picture you created but its okay. I still enjoyed it. Good Job.

...lead me to this river plz* I really liked this. I shall try to visit your MySpace, as well. :)

Time as sound…silent sound…the emotive impact of sound…somehow born out of the absence of sound. That’s an interesting concept.

It is awareness that death is creeping up on us, silently stalking us…and that we must embrace the fact that it has not yet caught us.  We are alive and we must live.

This is a beautiful poem.  Waking from death’s slumber, realizing the deathliness of one’s state of being and mourning that loss, then getting back on with the business of actually living, letting go of existing and actually living.  It’s called passion, and you capture it’s essence here.

Fearless embrace of life as it speeds ahead into the unknown…towards the only one known, death.

Learning to live is learning to truly enjoy the ride to the cemetary.

And you nod to the god of your understanding…whatever, whoever, showed you this light.  When the mere living of life is all the praise such a god would ever ask.

It has a nice flow to it
Although you might want to go easy on the commas.

I’m new to this type of review, so if you don’t mind, i’m going to get the negative out of the way first. the only negative i found was actually your first line: “time sounds like a silent scream, first of death, then of joy, then of great surprise”. in my opinion this was like a false start. ackwardly worded and not making alot of sense. after this is where you actually started writing. try it and see.”drifting in my silent place, i watch time flowing like a river” ect..
your word choices are  beautiful and well chosen with lovely flow and rhythm, and a very nice rhyme to top it off. nice little write over all. and i think with a little work on the beginning it could be a great little write. sometimes the beginnings are the hardest part and i think that’s probably what happened here- great idea with weak beginning- that’s easily fixed once recognized. good luck to you.
SherryAnn

I do need to be honest that I didn’t like this poem.  I’ll explain why:

First, the poem has a shaky format.  It doesn’t start out rhyming, then it does rhyme.  It’s important to set the stage for a poem.  If it rhymes, make the rhymes strong, use good words, and give it a rhythm to connect with your readers.  There was nothing to connect to.  

The subject was all over the place.  The title says time and it begins with time, but at the end I never knew what the poem was talking about.  It at some points talks about the screams of many.  How does time fit in with that?

Then, the poem has the strangest phrases in it.  

Better to have screamed or died,
Then never lived at all,

The original say is, “better to have loved and lost than to never have lived at all”.  The poem’s version may have worked had there been sufficient build up to this.  As it was, time and sreaming and dying doesn’t connect.  

We’re so afraid to fall,
Still we listen to this broken voice,
Your screams, your laughs, your tears

I was trying to figure this out also.  Where did the theme time go?  It has left this poem and with that in mind, I cannot say this is good.  I feel that starting from scratch is needed, with the idea to stay on topic to make it the strongest poem you can write.  I hope you can understand.

     I was impressed bu this peice, how well it moved from idea to idea, how you paint time as a silent scream…
     I have been told before that time is against you from that day you’re born because from the day you enter this world till the time you leave you’re dying; I can see where “silent scream” would fit nicely.

Now we step into the river’s flow,
Plunge in this stream of life,
We’ll laugh and scream and cry with you,
In all your joys and strife.

Nice work