Thanks for the help… I really do need to look over punctuation in this. Noted and working on it. Danke.
Short Story / Back-Writing for a screenplay
The sandwich was a little soggy now; probably too much Mayo. Kyri tongued the roof of her mouth dislodging a rather large slab of Oscar Meyer, then continued mastication. The yet to be eaten part of the sandwich now back on its paper throne her hand wandering back to the checklist and a well worn pencil. Her eyes scanning her pre-test documents and analysis that would be so crucial to her future in the medical world… or so she thought at the time. Quickly referencing the diagram next to her notes on the soda stained page, she then used the pencil as a crude pointer to make mental note of the cadaver’s organs and their respective names. Most students never could get accustom to the smell of being near a body, but Kyri seemed to have a will of iron, or at least that was the joke spreading around the Stanford graduate class of 07’; her graduating class, assuming all went to plan. So far Kyri’s grades were impeccable and it was ever the wonder from her dorm-mates that she even deemed it worthy to have a social life. Always the sour grape in their excursions, she routinely detached from the girl’s night out for quick study before turning in, and even if in the midst of tying on a few.
“Aortic Ventricle”, a whispered mumbling as she made another note, her eyes calmly moved back and forth from corpse to page.
“KYRI!” She lurched back, her glasses flying askew! A rather lanky chap appeared, red haired, freckles and all, smiling sadistically accompanied by a very annoying chuckle.
“Justin! You punk!”, she lowered her pencil from a rather feeble stabbing position.
“Wow, were you gonna give me lead poisoning? Rough…”, He smirked proudly. Kyri really was in no mood for this, especially around her ‘homework’, a rather creepy endeavor at most times, but considering the late hour, in the school basement… it was damn near unbearable for most students, even in groups.
“How about a swift kick to the dick instead!”, her eyes flared as she fought to keep her control.
“Just a little light-hearted fun, besides you can take it.”
“The answer is no, in case you’re wondering!” Kyri affixed her black-rimed glasses through her sandy blonde bangs and forced her attention to the study aid.
Justin grabbed her half-empty Dr. Pepper can and took a swig, “I haven’t even asked you anything.”
Her face, wincing as he placed the can near her sandwich again, “You can keep that”.
A slight shrug and the drink was his, “There’s a party tonight at Margie’s and everyone is going to be there”
“I won’t be there”
“Well, then that kind of changes the ‘everyone’ part”, he didn’t seem too torn up about this answer… perhaps it was expected.
“You’ll of course send my regards.” Kyri didn’t look up as Justin slowly backed out of the room. His head popping back in briefly.
“You’ll own this test, you know that. You keep pushing like this and you won’t have much of a heart left for your patients.”
Kyri looked up at him stone-faced,”I’m sure their money will help motivate me.” On that note her red haired annoyance chuckled slightly, and left her with a rather lifeless date.
She tried to start up her work again, but her eyes seemed to wander back to the corpse’s face. Its alabaster veneer distant, perhaps peaceful, but Justin’s little prank left that niggling fear, those thoughts that usually she so easily dismissed. Kyri put her pencil down and knelt to the floor, rummaging through her bag and pulled out an mp3 player. She cranked up a heavy dose of Soundgarden and stood back up to continue her work. Music helped occupy her wandering mind… this night it wasn’t enough. Kyri let out a stress filled moan! Pulling out her organic chemistry, and quantum physics, history, etc… all of her subjects soon spread haphazardly across poor Mr. Cadaver. She focused working on all of her assignments at once, music blaring through her headphones, unwilling to admit fear or defeat; besides this project had to get done. Frenzied in her endeavor, soon her pencil broke and she replaced its loss with a pen she had as a back up, only a few minutes later did she realize that in her haste to deal with the situation, she had actually scrawled some of her Mathematics equations upon the cadaver’s arm.
“Oops, sorry…” She paused slightly. Something about the moment caught her funny-bone and gave a slight tug. She could only imagine what the security guard the nearby room must be thinking… a woman alone with a corpse, laughing uncontrollably. It was only after realizing what was written on the lifeless arm that her giggling subsided. The equation was supposed to be part of a long string to solve… but something about this piece, the way it was broken up from the page; separated; she had seen it somewhere before.
Quickly, she dug through her school bag again, pouring some of the contents on the floor in earnest, until she had it: a well-worn leather bound book; the cover of which was tooled and slightly scuffed. She received it in a lengthy study session at the Stanford library, this… guy had given it to her. At the time it seemed blatantly like a convenient excuse for a come-on line, and considering his looks it wasn’t an unwelcome come-on. Kyri seemed to pull that out of most men… the awkward cross the room to display their masculine verbal prowess only to be shot down, and given her many years of school, she had gotten very good and turning down the self-proclaimed “stud”. She promised herself to focus on school until the doctor “thing” was conquered, but this man in particular was, very hard to be sassy with; very unflappable, raven black hair, his skin tan, and well-spoken. She remembered her brief daydream of how her pale skin would look entangled with his. Even now the thought made her blush slightly as she flipped to the page in question. Obviously he was someone in one of her classes; it was flattering.
“What was his name?”, she said to herself, a slight smile starting to shine, her mood lighter. The equation she’d seen before, under scrutiny, was elegant. A small portion of a larger theorem entitled “The Theorem of Universal Binding” She quickly grabbed her pen, and leafed through the papers upon her somewhat organic desk, not finding enough vacant space on any of the lose leaf pages and wanting to write down her thoughts quickly while they were clear to her, she shrugged with a sharp laugh and continued writing on her ‘dead’ partner in crime.
It was beautiful. The theorem dared to explain the very nature of energy and its many forms not just in relation to matter and mass but time as well, perhaps even dimension. It as a “thing” would take many more hours to crack, and “thing” being appropriate, for it was nothing she had read or heard, her eidetic memory failing to find any recollection of it, either from class lecture or personal research.
It was this brief lapse in attention, that helped blindside her, as she felt an icy cold and clammy grasp upon her wrist! She gasped, as the cadaver shuddered and sat bolt upright, its bones cracking from months of rigor; the head slowly to turn, those heavy eyelids to languidly slide back revealing milky opaque orbs. Kyri was without words shaking! Jolts of fear washing over her, her skin on fire, as tears began welling up in her eyes… the music from her mp3 player blaring her heavy metal dirge! With one mighty jerk she wrenched her arm free from the cadaver’s grasp, its thumb breaking with a sickeningly dry snap and hanging loosely by only a small patch of skin. Kyri fell back, her knees buckled… The creature let out an escape of air; as though cracking a sealed tomb. The creature slowly to rise and with shuddering steps, plodded closer to her, arms outstretched.
“STOP!” Kyri screamed, finally her mind catching up to the horror of the moment.
The creature stopped. Kyri scrambled to her feet and started for the door, as the pale skinned… Thing, gazed at her depature, its “lifeless” eyes focused.
“Are you okay?”, Kyri let out another scream at the deep voice, as she turned into the stranger’s broad chest. Startled, she recoiled, feebly trying to get her sanity. It was the boy from the Library… those dark eyes so calm, as his gaze gained in intensity, his attention moved from her to the creature beyond.
Kyri shook her head, tears streamed down her cheeks. ”Something’s wrong… something… happened”
The man’s calloused hands brushed back Kyri’s blonde hair and wiped her tears, instantly she felt warm and the uncontrolled fear that was so unlike her faded.
“I’d say so.” He gasped a bit. The man almost laughed in disbelief as he took a few steps past Kyri towards the creature.
“No don’t!” Kyri blurted out as the creature bared its teeth at him. The cadaver jerked its head at her and then relented almost cowering, its chest still pinned open from her studies.
“What the hell is going on?” Her hands were on her face, she seemed so in shock, waiting to wake from slumber, something, anything to make sense of this.
The man’s attention left the creature and addressed Kyri. Those dark eyes enshrouded by his long black hair, that seemed to glow ever so slightly as he smiled, almost as if he were politely passing her on the street,
“Well, I see you’ve read the book I gave you”.
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awkwardvibes reviewed Version 1 -
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moeszyslak reviewed Version 1 -
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Virtual_Satyr reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, this story took quite a twist there in the middle. I like to be surprised and you did well doing that.
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July 28, 2006
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wow! If this is the backstory I can’t wait to read the actual script! very excited- great stuff- keep at it!
kglinux reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an interesting enough story, it just needs a little cleaning up. I would be interested in reading a bit more in the future. It seems similar in part to the cult-classis “Forever Knight”.
star513 reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t think you need the exclamation point in this sentence “She lurched back, her glasses flying askew!” It was fine when she was yelled at, but having it here really took me out of the story. Also I’d say a questionmark here “How about a swift kick to the dick instead!.” There are more end punctuations that I think should be changed. I know that it is hard to take a piece from one style of writing and change it into another, especially when the original form is meant to be seen but you need to have faith in your readers that they will understand that the action was sudden.
I think that there needs to be more build up to when the corpse comes to life. It seems like there is a long introduction and then it is suddenly over. I do like the introduction and getting to know Kyri so I don’t suggest shortening the begining.
I suggest some re-working of the piece and some fine tuning, but I’d say you did pretty darn good for a first try though.
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