Thanks! I hadn’t even noticed the stars part! That is a very good thing to point out! Thank you for that! And yeah, those are typos. Still need to take care of those. Thank you for your suggestions and thanks for reading! =)
Short Story / Never Again
My eyes were closed as the wind whipped the strands of my dark coarse hair across the side of my face. I winced slightly, each time, as the hairs snapped against my skin. The cold air of the wind seemed to cool down my injuries, with it’s soothing blows, but just as my face would start to feel better, the wind would give a fierce howl and whip the hairs harder than it had before.
I stood barefoot, the rough cement digging into the soles of my feet. Cars slowed as they drove past, watching me. Watching my movements. Maybe they would see something interesting? No. So they quickly moved on, as the forgot about me. As the forgot about my existence.
I opened my eyes and looked out toward the horizon. The blues, reds, yellows and oranges floated above the setting sun, each color mixing with the other. The blues mixed with the reds to form the most vibrant purple. I smiled slightly at the beauty of all that was in front of me. It was so amazing.
Just as I was getting used to the constant snaps at my skin, the wind died down and I watched in silence as the clouds drifted slowly across the now forming night sky.
I looked down at the rushing waters, my gut churning.
Was I really here? Was I really standing here?
I started to think about why I was standing there in the first place. My recent years started to flash through my mind.
_They grabbed my shirt and slammed me against the lockers. The cold hard metal clattered as my body was rammed against it. One girl looked me in the eyes and spat in my face. It took every ounce of energy I had to not beat the crap out of the girl. I had tried to defend myself before, but I’ve learned the hard way that they traveled in groups.
My eyes shifted back and forth, eyeing the girls as the warm spit ran down my cheek. Another girl laughed and came up to me. Her face was an inch from mine, and I could smell her breath. It smelt of peppermint and pizza, which was really gross. She chomped her gum and spoke.
“Nice clothes freak.” She punched me in the stomach and I doubled over. I tried to breathe, I tried to make my diaphragm function again, but she hit me pretty hard. I heard them laugh as they walked away from me.
I slid down the lockers, sat on the ground and cried._
“Parker you DUMBASS!” I heard footsteps approach my door. The deep sound of my mom’s stomping made me nervous. I lifted my head from my pillow as my door burst open. It hit the wall with a bang and vibrated. I watched it as it creaked to a stop. My mom approached me and ripped the covers from my bed. They floated quietly to the floor.
I longed so much for that grace.
She grabbed me by my hair and yanked me from my bed. She pulled me out of my room and with a kick, threw me down the stairs. I tumbled and rolled knowing all to well that I would soon have to cover up the bruises that were now forming on my body. I landed at the bottom with a thump and rolled a couple of feet. I turned my head and watched my mom stumble down the stairs.
She was drunk.
_My eyes widened and I stood up to run. But before I got even two feet, the collar of my shirt tightened and I was yanked backwards. There was a blow to the back of my head and I fell to the ground.
“You fucking BITCH! You don’t deserve to live!! I hope you DIE you no good for nothing, spoiled little brat!!”
I lied there, listening to her. Her words hurting more than the painful kicks she made to my body. I curled up in a ball, trying to protect myself from the fierce blows, but it failed. Her kicks seemed to be more painful, and then I knew she wasn’t kicking me anymore. The feeling of cold metal and the periodic pokes to my skin, made me realize she was now beating me with a crowbar.
I kept quiet, blocking out the pain, and listened to my thoughts._
What had I done to make her so mad? Did I forget to take out the garbage? Did I forget to do the dishes again?
And then, before I lost complete consciousness, it occurred to me. I probably didn’t do anything.
_I looked eagerly at each of my friends, as they each read the new song I had written. Slowly, each at their own pace, they handed the copies back to me. I eyed them and breathed deeply.
“So…?”
Ann turned toward me, her black hair floating across her shoulders. “I think it’s kinda dumb.”
My heart sank.
“It’s really weird, I mean what does ‘Don’t morph for the capsize’ mean?” Linda said as she looked blankly out towards the school yard.
I turned and looked at the others. They just nodded.
“Um…okay.” I said quietly. “Maybe I’ll change it a bit.”
“Yeah! Like talk about killing someone or something. Love is so overrated.”
I looked at Chloe, anger filling me. “Yeah. That’s…a…good…idea.” I said through gritted teeth.
We sat in silence for a bit and ate our lunch. I watched them as they chewed their food, the constant chomping drove me crazy.
“So, what are ya’ll doing this weekend?” I asked trying to break the tension.
Linda looked up at me. “We’re gonna see a movie.”
I looked up at her, waiting for her to ask me if I wanted to go. She didn’t. She drank the last of her Mt. Dew and stood up. Everyone else followed.
“See ya ‘round Parker.” I watched them as they all left me.
Normal as it was, I never got used to it. The only real reason they were still my friends, was because we have been together since the first grade, and I didn’t really wanna split up something like that.
It made me so mad that they were always so cold, thoughtless and dark, though. They could never understand were I was coming from, because they thought so differently. If I say love, they say hate. If I say happy, they say sad.
But what killed me most of all, was that they never cared._
I looked down at the water again. My tears fell off my face and disappeared into the night. The bright stars twinkled above me, and I saw their reflections in the water, along with the moon. I looked up toward the sky, and closed my eyes. The wind started to blow again, and I shivered from the cold. My tears started to fall faster. I spread out my arms, screaming to the sky, to God.
“It’s time damnit! I can’t do this anymore! I don’t deserve this!” I inched my feet toward the edge. The little pebbles scratched at my heels. And just as my toes were over the edge…
“Parker! STOP! What are YOU DOING?!”
I lost my balance and fell. I landed hard and moaned. I looked up at the sky.
Am I dead?
The stars blinked and I was wet. Water droplets fell on my face and I realized it was raining. I slammed my arm down and felt the cement.
Damnit, I fell the wrong way.
I stood up and looked for the person who screamed at me. My eyes focused on someone running toward me, her whole body was soaked from the rain. As she got closer I knew who she was. It was Allie.
I opened my window quietly and threw my bag out. It landed with a thump. I looked back over my shoulder making sure my mom didn’t hear anything. I removed the tissues from my nose. It had stopped bleeding.
She hit me really hard that time.
_I swung my leg over the edge of the window and climbed down the terrace. When I got to the ground, I picked up my bag and ran.
As I reached mid-town I slowed down. I walked passed clubs and diners, watching everyone smile. Watching them have fun. Their laughter sickened me. They didn’t know what real problems were.
I had no idea where I was going and I really didn’t care. All I wanted was to get away from my mom._
Maybe I could stay in a hotel.
I looked down and reached into my pocket to see how much money I had. I didn’t bother to stop walking and the next thing I knew someone slammed into me. My bag fell off my shoulder, hit the ground and busted open. My clothes spewed everywhere.
I knew I shouldn’t have packed so much.
_I bent down and started to pick everything up.
“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”
I looked up and saw a girl. She was bent down picking up my things. Her curly, brown hair was like a curtain, hiding her face. But then she turned to look at me, and I saw her eyes. Her eyes were brown, but they were the warmest brown I had ever felt. I quickly looked down. She handed me one of my shirts.
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m fine.” I looked up again, wanting to see her eyes. For some reason they comforted me. When I found them again, they went wide.
“Oh my gosh! What happened to you?!”_
Shit, I totally forgot I had a black eye.
_I quickly gathered the rest of my things and stood up. “Nothing.” I said as I walked away. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I winced in pain. My injuries hadn’t quite healed.
“Oh gosh, I’m sorry. Did I hurt you? What happened?”
I looked up at her eyes again. I felt safeness. And that scared me. So I turned away.
“I’m sorry. I’m sure you don’t wanna tell a total stranger. So…I’m Allie Taylor.” She held out her hand. I shook it. “I’m really sorry to be asking you such personal questions. I really need to think before I say things.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. I mean, you ran into a girl with a bag full of clothing and a black eye. You should be curious.”
She nodded.
I started to walk away again.
“Wait!” she said. I turned around. “What’s your name?”
I smiled slightly and held out my hand, “Parker Riley.”
She shook it and smiled. Her smile made her eyes ten times more comforting.
“Where are you staying?” she asked.
“Um…” I said startled at her question. “I’m not sure.”
She gently put her arm around my shoulders. “Well you can crash at my place, my mom won’t care.”
I suddenly felt safe with her arm around me._
Maybe I found a friend.
_“You sure?” I asked.
She laughed. “Oh yeah. My brother has friends over all the time. Another body won’t hurt.”
I smiled, “Okay, yeah.”
As we walked down the sidewalk, the weirdest feeling came over me. I wanted to tell her what had happened to me. I didn’t even know her and I already wanted to tell her the worst of my life. Maybe it was the sense of safeness I felt around her. Or maybe it was because it felt like she cared. Well whatever it was that made me wanna tell her, creeped me out. Because, oddly enough, I wasn’t afraid.
“Um, Allie…” I stopped walking. “Is it okay if I tell you something?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I’m always listening.”_
Finally.
“Parker what are you doing here?!”
I backed away from her and stood back up on the bridge.
“What does it look like I’m doing here Allie?!” I thrust my arms out revealing my anger. I looked into her eyes. They were filled with worry.
“Parker, please…get down.”
“Get down?!” I screamed. The rain was falling harder and it started to thunder. “Why?! So I can go home and have my mom abuse me? So I can go back to school and let those assholes beat me and my so called friends ignore me?! No Allie, I won’t GET down!”
Allie looked startled. Her mouth was agape. She was trying to speak.
“Do you know what happened to me tonight?” I screamed over the roar of the wind. I lifted my shirt and pointed to my stomach, where my mom burnt me with an iron. “You see that?! Do you know what HORRIBLE thing I did to deserve this?! Huh? DO YOU?!”
She looked down and shook her head, the rain falling like streams, from her hair.
“I dropped a fork! I DROPPED a FORK!” I looked up at the sky. “A fucking FORK!”
“Parker I…”
I shook my head. “No Allie. Don’t try it.” I turned away from her. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Nobody cares about me and I don’t care about anyone else.”
It was Allie’s turn to be angry.
“Parker don’t you DARE start that fucking shit with me!!”
I turned around surprised at her profanity.
“What the hell have I been these past two years??! HUH?! Was I just some cheap ass toy you could just play with?!” She started to cry. “All that I have done for you…and…and…YOU don’t care??…Parker…GOD DAMNIT! I FUCKING CARE!”
I stood amazed, and shaken. “A-Allie…you’ve done so much for me, I know that. I love you so much for it.” Tears started to form in my eyes as well. “B-But it’s never stopped…I want it to stop, Allie.”
She walked closer to me, the puddles of rain that formed, sloshed at her stride. “So do I. That’s why I went over to your house tonight, and when you weren’t there…I was scared.” She started to shiver. “I didn’t know where you had gone, so I walked. I had to get you…I NEEDED to get you.” She looked up at me and put some of her hair behind her ears. “Parker…I want you to move in with us.”
I threw my hands in the air, frustrated. “Oh yeah! That will work! You only live ten blocks from me, Allie. My mom would just take me back.”
She shook her head. “No Parker. My family is moving.”
My mouth dropped open. “Moving? Where?”
“Colorado. There is NO way your mom could find you. If no one tells her anyway.”
I couldn’t find any words. I was in complete shock. I could finally get away from it all. It could finally stop.
I jumped off the railing, ran up to her and gave her the biggest hug I could. “I don’t want to be alone, Allie.” I said as I cried on her shoulder.
There was a long pause as she cried with me and hugged me tight. “I don’t think you’ll ever be alone again.”
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DigitalCola reviewed Version 1 -
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LeahD reviewed Version 1 -
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Could actually be the first chapter of a sort of thriller, where the girl makes a new identity for herself, but eventually has to confront her past.
I can find no fault with the technical aspects of your writing. I’d like to see what you can do with something that doesn’t rely on flashbacks to flesh out the characters.
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Flez85 reviewed Version 1 -
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Good job at portraying the character’s emotions, that really helps in bringing out the reader’s emotions. Good story, great descriptiveness, but a little choppy in areas. First off, there were a few grammatical errors (maybe typos?).
“So they quickly moved on, as the forgot about me. As the forgot about my existence.”
-Here there were a couple of mistakes. First of all, I think you meant to type “they” instead of the. The other thing is the form. I think it would be best to combine these two sentences into one to make it flow better. Maybe “So they quickly moved on, forgetting about my existence” or something to that effect.
“The bright stars twinkled above me, and I saw their reflections in the water, along with the moon.”
“The stars blinked and I was wet. Water droplets fell on my face and I realized it was raining. I slammed my arm down and felt the cement.”
-This part is a little confusing for me. How can it start to rain if you can see the stars and the moon? A little mistake that can go unnoticed by readers, but probably something you should fix.
Other than that I loved the contrasting story lines, it added a lot to the story. A few revisions, and this would go from great to absolutely amazing. Good job.
Hopeless reviewed Version 1 -
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Amazing detail, The small action parts you had in your story were intense and kept the reader in suspense. The part you wrote about the friends was harsh, and it is something probably everyone can relate to
A few run on sentences that can easily be fixed by replacing a comma with a period.
A few typos, for example: the second paragraph, last two sentences i believe the “the” is supposed to be “they”
Overall its a great story, keep writing
July 16, 2006
Deleted User
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Good work. The story has some really dark parts that maybe should be fleshed out because they go by a little to fast. Maybe talk about the kind of pain she gets from a punch or a kick. Not just ‘hurt’ but good, solid metaphors.
Other than that, It is great, spaces well, and easy to read. Keep it up!
pbyall reviewed Version 1 -
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This is remarkable writing for a 17-year-old. I do think the story is a bit theatrical, and some of the writing overly dramatic (“No Allie. Don’t try it.” I turned away from her. “It doesn’t matter anyway. Nobody cares about me and I don’t care about anyone else.”) I know this is the way teenagers might talk, but fiction has to do better than this. Let me quote from Self-Editing for Fiction Writers:
“The dialogue you’re trying to create has to be much more compressed, much more focused than real speech.”
The other problem with this story is the first person narration. This character is not emotionally mature enough to tell this story. I would shift to third person, but tell the story from Parker’s point of view. “Her eyes were closed as the wind whipped . . .
One other point. The story needs to be tightened. Cut, cut, cut. Cut every word that’s not essential. For example, we don’t care what color her hair is, or if it’s coarse or not. “The wind whipped my hair across my face” sounds much better.
I wish this writer well, because I think she has talent. I would recommend the book, “Self-Editing for Fiction Writers” by Renni Browne and Dave King.
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