To answer your point, the “Rosetta Stone” as you put it (Dan Brown gets everywhere), is the life of Mervyn Peake, author of the Gormanghast trilogy (characters, Groans, Swelter and Gurney) and victim of an shellshock and institionalisation and ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy). Thank you for the review it has really made me feel better about the piece. :)
Poetry / Fits of Peake: After Mervyn
residual tremors
rumbling conscientious conscription
machinations of hush
rushed ceased
beforeshocks dropped anachronistic
all dreams of swelter and gurney
squeaking wheels on polished crimson linoleum
greased
shells will not leave the sound of the sea
with me
not with me
all spindle spire hairs resonant fizzing
over and over
goose flesh
residual tremors
caustic acidic flashback prophecy
the reach of this groan
sliding slithy over crimson linoleum
screaming squeak of rubber soled shoes
squelch of trenchfoot and jackboots
bloody effluvials conducive conductive
sizzling static
longing for the muzak
of rat-a-tat tinnitus to fall from knapsack
to burlap back of crimson linoleum
and drown me
with bristling
residual tremors
and neon strips strafing overhead
down long gallery of Edvard Munch housed men
howling owls
in corridors of power generation
humming with the electricity of a thousand sanities
in a hundred heads
in that tall mountain castle
decaying and all the way in
escapes written on padded walls
noted
I will not fight my nature
residual tremors
building slowly slowly insidious
to where this concentration camps
and this and that trolley dash to train tracks
as fizzing cells, as channels of lightning to thinking
tickling with convulsions deleterious
delirious
I will not scream
for my magical thinking would have me be
here decimated and emptied
to be left inhibited by the groan
and remember
nothing else
but dreams of Tipperary
and a good joke
residual
short
fizzing
your words set me free
“the boy needs therapy”
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darkpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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The imagery in this one is simply amazing.Excellant wording and phrasing
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September 21, 2006
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hello! Interesting choice of words here, no doubt about that. Great layout too. “your words set me free
“the boy needs therapy””. Love this line very much. Im not very good at giving writing advice for improvements….sorry.. You writing is what you make it….and i like it!
Benticore reviewed Version 1 -
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Now that is an interesting piece. I reread it several times to grasp it’s meaning and while I see the metaphors to the insane asylum and the fear of being there, the fear of letting oneself UNDERSTAND being there, I am sure there are things I’m missing. Poetry like this, I wish there was a primer, a rosetta stone, to help me unlock the hiding wealth of meaning within. Im sure it’s there, but I cant tease it out, no matter how much Dan Brown says, ‘It’s Jesus’ Wife, Stupid!’
I do like it though. In particular:
I will not scream
for my magical thinking would have me be
here decimated and emptied
to be left inhibited by the groan
and remember
nothing else
I also see the electroshock. I wonder what I am missing by not knowing the author you were inspired by to write this piece.
Interesting…
Benticore
Out
stargazerblue49 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really, really liked your use of adjectives in this poem. I am not familiar with this author, but he sounds like he’d be a good one to check out! The thing that I liked most about this piece is that it’s super crazy. I mean, tons of things are going on at once and it’s always changing. It’s very refreshing to read something like this.
Excellent work!
Modmills2 reviewed Version 1 -
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I read and reread this poem and in my head or aloud it is problematic. For me the poem starts midway at “the reach of this groan
sliding slithy over crimson linoleum” I then would suggest to edit the repitition of residual tremors I feel it isn’t needed as your imagery helps convey that. I like to be “shown” rather then told so explicitly. I also felt that although this poem had a very interesting rhythem it was too wordy. Perhaps the title could be residual tremors.
ed_wynne reviewed Version 1 -
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hello there..Some good idea’s in this..but sometime it reads like you’ve been flicking through a theosaurus for ‘big’ words…
‘shells will not leave the sound of the sea’ this is an awsome line..but
‘with me, not with me. kind of kills it for me
..also i’m not a massive fan of the word ‘residual’.. maybe thats just me though..that word gets used soo much on those cheesy paranormal tv programs…
Dont get me wrong I do like the poem.. i like the obscurity of it.. the idea’s above are just constuctive critasism..and what would make the pome read better to me.. anyways..well done :}
Carie reviewed Version 1 -
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What stunning work you have created! I think I liked the ending the best, but your words captured me from the beginning and would not let me go. Overall, I give you a 10. I have absolutely no negative critisim. It’s wonderful!
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