Poetry / Always Remember

Hmm a bit vague.. Not really much to go on here and it seems to say the same thing in slightly different ways.  Maybe add a hint of what we should remember or who you may be talking about.. I get the idea that maybe it has to do with native americans or religion or something, could be wrong.  I don’t think the second “but they did..” fits as well with the sentence before it

The message is clear, simple, bare.  It needs more.  If the feeling sprouts from the attacks of 9/11, then it needs more, something that can make the reader know the core of the piece.  Poetry is universal not because it just is, but because the poet makes it so.  Add more to this so that not only Americans can understand the meaning, because to tell you the truth, I wouldn’t have known it was about 9/11 if not for your note above.  Add about specific details of that day, or the imminent imagery that came to be from those horrible attacks (i wont’ go into detail about the imagery, but try to come up with nice metaphoric images that can convey the horror and the unity that arose from that event).  You’ve go the center of the poem, now follow your muse and add more layering.  I hope all goes well with your piece.      

I kind of agree with the previous review….repetition can be a powerful tool in writing, but its important to use it at the right time and in the right context.  This was almost too simple for the repetition to work well.  Might work as a song, if it was fleshed out a bit, with angry/sad music behind it.

I read this once as you wrote it, then a second time I read it a little differently. Just a suggestion, but here is where my brain saw the words differently.

Start the 4th stanza with “But we didn’t” or “But we couldn’t”.

Make the final line “And we won’t”.

This is good but I think that maybe you should write more. I think you could deepen it don’t you think? maybe just a little? Ok well I know this wasn’t a prefect review but good luck with other poems and stuff.

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June 21, 2006

by dpc

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95	76.5% (17 votes)	16.4%

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19	M	Plantsville, CT	September 03

As I told the other reviewer, I attempted to keep this poem as simple as possible.  I suppose I should say that somewhere before people keep telling me this.

:)

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To me the repetition of this poem was tiring and made it too predicable. I think that by perhaps choosing another set of words to describe your same thought this poem would better catch the attention and intrigue your readers.

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June 21, 2006

by dpc

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
95	76.5% (17 votes)	16.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Plantsville, CT	September 03

Another set of words?  As in a new title, or all of the repeating parts in general?

I thought it was good as simple as it is…I didn’t want to overcomplicate the poem with too many words.

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