Novel Treatments / Untitled Chapter one
Veronica groaned only half awake. She was cold, and the moth eaten sweater she was wearing did nothing to dim the sharp stings of the winter wind. She shivered and pulled the sweater closer, curling into a ball there on the pavement. She envied anyone inside on a morning like this. She would give anything to be too, but it was not meant to be. At only 18, she was destined to live the rest of her life as a homeless woman, without the comforts of a normal life. She had to admit that her predicament was in part, her own fault.
Last year while preparing for college, she had invested money in the stock market to make a few extra dollars. She would have been better off not. All of the money she had put into there has lost, and she still owed more money. In the end the repo men took not only her car, but her apartment as well. Without anywhere to live, and no family or friends to take her in, she was basically condemned to the life of a street urchin.
Shaking the snow stuck to her free, she stood up. It wouldn’t do her any good to sit there and dream. Brushing the hair out of her eyes she walked out of the narrow ally. Turning to her left, she walked past bunched of stores, just opening for the day. The sweet sent of freshly baked goods drifted tauntingly in front her. She sighed. She hadn’t eaten in two days and the hunger pains in stomach gnawed at her with every step she took. Usually, by now she would have found something to eat, either in the trash or by a Good Samaritan. Around Christmas though, pickings were slim, as most of the stores weren’t open as often. She figured she could beg, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. It wasn’t that she wasn’t able to, but they way she had been brought up, you took what you got and didn’t ask for more.
After a few more shops, the land opened up into a beautiful park. She liked to spend her day here; just enjoying the scenery and watching the happy people go by. It got lonely after a while though, having no one to talk to.
It looked like she wouldn’t be able to today though. A large group of people were in the park, seemingly planning something. Normally she would continue, but these men looked menacing. There were about 15 of them, all with muscles that looked like they would burst out of there shirts. Some were on the shorter side, with others that looked closer to 7 feet tall! All of them stood in a circle, with a few occasionally looking around, as if to make sure they weren’t being watched. That didn’t sit well with her, so she started to turn to walk somewhere else, most likely back to the ally. Suddenly the group of men dispersed, and stood in a formation type line. Veronica finally got it. They were playing football!
She shook her head at her own stupidity. Just in case her feelings were right though, she decided to stay out of there way. Walking over to an ancient oak tree, she lowered herself to the ground. Feeling sleepy again, thanks to the much more comfortable ground, she closed her eyes. Before she could fall asleep though, a whizzing sound caused her to open her eyes and sit up, right before a large leather football hit her squarely between the eyes. The momentum caused her to fall backward into the tree hitting her in the back of the head.
She saw stars as a bunch of the guys ran break-neck speed over to her, crouching over her.
“Oh my god! Are you alright?!?” a soft spoken guy with a southern accent asked her.
She shook him off, sitting up, and groaning at the pain in the back of her head. Damn, she should have left when she had the chance. One of the other men took charge, shoving the first man out of the way. He took her head gently in his hands and made her turn her head side to side, obviously checking her for injuries.
“Sorry we didn’t mean to hit you, Jeff over there can’t throw for beans.” He glared at a man with funky colors in his hair, who looked sheepishly back.
“It’s okay, not a big deal.” She stood carefully, wobbling a bit. Instead of sticking around, she just walked off leaving the men dumbfounded.
Before she got too far, Jeff ran and stopped her, by grabbing her arm.
“I feel really bad; I honestly didn’t mean to hit you. To make up for it, can I buy you dinner?”
She tugged her arm sharply away from his, scaring him for a moment.
“Thanks but no thanks” she said shortly.
Jeff carried on like he hadn’t heard her though.
“Please? I won’t feel good till I make it up to you.”
Veronica was starting to get really annoyed.
“Look I’m fine okay?!”
She stormed off leaving Jeff standing there.
The guys were laughing up a storm when he got back though. Especially his brother Matt.
He tried to stop laughing once he got back and he managed to talk a bit between his giggles.
“I feel really bad too, but I bet she’s the only girl ever to turn you down for dinner.” He dissolved back into a fit of laughter.
Jeff clearly wasn’t amused.
Scowling at him he said,”Let’s just finish the stupid game.”
Veronica mean while, ran back to the ally. Sitting down to ketch her breath, she held her head. It really hurt now, and her aching sides from running weren’t helping any.
“Can this day get any worse?!” Snow started falling from the sky, heavier than last night, blanketing the ground.
“I just HAD to say that! Ugh!” She shivered.
Crunching snow from outside the entrance to the ally startled her. A regal looking police man stood there looking sadly at her.
“Sorry miss. You have to come with me. The mayor issued an order for all the homeless to be brought to the soup kitchen, as its going to get close to freezing tonight and he doesn’t want anyone to freeze to death.”
She stood up, not bothering to argue. She followed him to his police car that was sitting a few shops down in a parking lot. He was even nice enough to open the door for her, though it was for the back seat.
He got in the front after he made sure she was all set, and drove off. The car was completely silent, and it was unnerving to her. She was almost glad when then pulled up outside the tiny building the town dared to call fit to serve homeless people. It was way too small for the amount of people who visited here on a daily basis, and it was not kept up well. It served its purpose though.
These places were really depressing she decided. There were rows upon rows of tables set up, each one filled to the brim with people. Turning around to find the police man gone without a word, she went up to the line serving food. Grabbing a metal tray she went down the length of the glass case, collecting food from the helpers there.
After exiting the line, she found she had no where to sit. It seemed like all the homeless from the city were here. She figured she should be grateful for anything, instead of complaining.
She ended up sitting in the door way connecting the main room to a storage closet. Eating in silence she didn’t bother to look around. A few more people came in as time passed. Finishing eating, she didn’t feel like waiting for the men and women to bring out cots or mats for her to sleep on. Falling asleep leaned against the door way, she was more comfortable than she has been in a while.
A piercing scream awoke her. Bolting up right trying to figure out what was going on, she spotted the problem…
The ceiling, which had looked ragged and old before hand, was crumbling before her eyes. It was just hanging on by a few beams, and was sure to fall very soon. All the people staying there were waking up, and running around trying to get out. A mass of bodies stood waiting at the door trying to get through the main door at the same time.
Veronica jumped up and tried to get through too, but before she could get anywhere, she heard another beam pop and break. This beam fell down to the floor, just like the ones before it and nearly hit a small girl, who looked no older than 5. Seeing that no one was going to help her, Veronica scooped the now crying girl into her arms. Trying to remember anything she had heard about a situation like this, she suddenly ran to the doorway she was standing in before. More of the beams started cracking, and the people in the crowd were starting to get even more frantic. Deciding she wasn’t going to get out any time soon, she figured she’d have to tough it out. Standing below the doorway, she curled up on the floor, holding the frantic child to her body, protecting it from harm. Nearly everyone was out, but by now the last beam holding the roof steady was giving way. The final beam broke with a loud snap and the roof collapsed in, bringing with it a massive amount of snow. The whole room was covered in it, covering everything at least 4 feet deep.
The wind started howling, and everything was silent once again. Moments passed like hours, but at long last a siren could be heard coming toward the rubble. The stony white faces of those who had escaped looked on in terror at the scene. A fire truck was first on the scene, and a half dozen or so firemen raced out of it, quickly coming face to face with a building mostly under the snow. They started trying to dig in the snow with shovels, but quickly terminated that plan, realizing they may accidentally hit someone. The only choice would be to dig the remaining people inside out by hand. They needed help, and fast.
Jeff and a few of the other wrestlers didn’t feel like going out partying that night. They also didn’t want to stay in the small hotel rooms longer than they had to either. Choosing to sit in the entrance to the place, they stretched out comfortably on the couches there.
Shannon had wadded up a piece of lined paper, and just started chucking it back and forth between his friends.
“This is getting boring. There’s nothing to do.”
Matt shrugged.
“Got a better idea? You guys were the ones who didn’t want to go out with Mark and the rest of them to a club.”
A loud siren was heard from across the street. Shane smiled grimly.
“Wanna go check it out?” A murmur of agreement passed between them, and they all headed out the door. As soon as they stepped out the door, they were met with a huge crowd. Apparently everyone else had the same idea as them, and had come out to watch. Scooting there way through the crowd, they finally made there way to the front. A large building had collapsed from all the snow that had fallen recently. From the looks of things, not everyone got out okay. It was a depressing site. Before the crowd became unruly, a policeman was quickly stringing yellow police tape around the accident. They were just about to turn away, to go back into the hotel, figuring they were too late to see someone get saved when a rescuer cried out to his comrades, “Over here! I think I found someone!”
She could barely breathe, let alone think. The snow was slowly suffocating her, and the child in her arms. She tried to move around to scrape some of the snow away, but the mass of it was too heavy. Little black spots started clouding her vision, and she felt so bad for the girl in her arms. Dying at such a young age, for that’s what was happening. A light above her roused what little thought she had left. Letting go of the girl, she gathered the rest of her strength and lifted her hand up as high as she could, moving the snow around a bit.
‘Please, let them find us. Please God’
The sound of fast approaching footsteps startled her. She could hear loud voices now, and they were obviously trying to figure out a way to get her out. The last thing she heard before she completely succumbed to the darkness in her mind was the sound of people digging frantically.
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This 61 word review has not been unlocked.
This is an interesting story but it needs a lot of work, you have your main character contradicting herself by refusing to go out for dinner with someone even though she is starving and you already said that she did not mind taking food from good sameritans. I realize that the guys were scary to her, but if someone is tht hungry they would probably take the risk. Other then that you really need to work on condensing things, cut out the extra words, the more you say with as few words the stronger the emotionals are in the story. Extra words and adverbs hold you back.
Veronica groaned only half awake. She was cold, and the moth eaten sweater she was wearing did nothing to dim the sharp stings of the winter wind. She shivered and pulled the sweater closer, curling into a ball there on the pavement. She envied anyone inside on a morning like this. She would give anything to be too, but it was not meant to be. At only 18, she was destined to live the rest of her life as a homeless woman, without the comforts of a normal life. She had to admit that her predicament was in part, her own fault.
Veronica groaned half awake. Her moth eaten sweater did little to dim the winter wind’s sharp sting. Shivering she pulled the sweater closer and curled into up in a ball on the pavement, envying anyone inside. She knew that she never would be again, at 18 she knew she would live the remander of her life without a home, and that her predicament was at least in part her own fault.
I cut out the unneeded words and condensed things. A reader is going to get tired of reading something with so many extra words in it. I also tried to get rid of some of the adverbs the piece would be much stronger without them.
Shaking the snow stuck to her free, she stood up. It wouldn’t do her any good to sit there and dream. Brushing the hair out of her eyes she walked out of the narrow ally. Turning to her left, she walked past bunched of stores, just opening for the day. The sweet sent of freshly baked goods drifted tauntingly in front her. She sighed. She hadn’t eaten in two days and the hunger pains in stomach gnawed at her with every step she took. Usually, by now she would have found something to eat, either in the trash or by a Good Samaritan. Around Christmas though, pickings were slim, as most of the stores weren’t open as often. She figured she could beg, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. It wasn’t that she wasn’t able to, but they way she had been brought up, you took what you got and didn’t ask for more.
She stood up shaking off the snow and walked out of the narrow ally. Turning left down she walked past stores that were just opening, and the sweet scent of freshly baked goods taunts her. Normally she would have found something to eat in the trashcans or from a good Samaritan but around Christmas the stores were not open as often and it was harder to find things. She hadn’t eaten in two days and knew that she should beg for food but was still to proud.
I just changed the wording a little and cut out a lot of the gibber gabber that is not really needed. She needs to be poor and hungry but you spend to much time discussing her options. And avoid calling her proud directly, saying things straight out is faster and to the point.
I don’t have time to go through the rest of this but I hope you get the idea. Good luck with this piece and with any others you write in the future. :).
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This 8 word review has not been unlocked.
June 23, 2006
Deleted User
well am usually not one for anything even remotely in the “romance” genre, i really enjoyed this piece. the descriptions and dialouge were great and really helped move the story along rather than weigh it down. great job.
This 66 word review has not been unlocked.
The end is better than the beginning. The beginning with her NYSE story and the homelessness needs more if it is going be believable. Need more description, backstory…. and don’t be afraid t be brutal, honest, and colorful. Otherwise the way in which she meets the guy reads as cliché.
And this line is instant conflict:
” The wind started howling, and everything was silent once again.”
There are plenty of typos and grammatical errors. “but they way she had been brought up, you took what you got and didn’t ask for more” should be “the way…”
“burst out of there shirts” should be “their shirts” and “out of there way” should be “their way”
Usually stuff like a character seeing starts is in cartoons or humorous pieces – neither of which this is.
katch should be catch.
“Apparently everyone else had the same idea as them” should end with the word “they”, not “them”.
And those are only what I caught the first time I read it.
That being said, it’s not a bad piece of writing. I would highly suggest taking a writing class at a local school so the teacher can edit your work and you can learn from it.
“Street urchin” is an antiquated phrase so unless this is a period piece, it doesn’t fit in in my opinion.
I think you have some good ideas and that you are well on your way to reaching your goal! I gave you a 10!! I really did care for the characters and wanted to find out more about them.
Keep writing!
You WILL get better at writing. You have a very good start: you are imaginitive, you have a good story idea (and a pretty good idea of how to tell it), you’re good at visual description, and you write pretty good dialogue. These are very good foundations for improvement.
A few things you should work on include grammar (which is something we all have to keep an eye on – you’ll get better at it the more you write and the more English classes you take)...and also the almost irresistable desire to give out too much information too soon. It’s easy to do – you have a story to tell, and you just sort of blurt things out. Don’t worry, we all do it, and we try to fix it in later drafts. Take a look at your first two paragraphs for instance - you tell us that Veronica is homeless, and how she became homeless. Those are important elements to your story of course, but is there really a need to get that out so early? You might consider letting the reader figure out for themselves she’s homeless (which wouldn’t be too hard to do), and you could drop clues gradually (over several pages, perhaps) as to how she got that way. The trick is to not overload your readers with too much info all at once.
The good news is, you’re well on your way to being a very good writer. Keep it up, keep practicing, and nothing can hold you back. Good luck!
I love your work. It’s ver good.
I can tell you now…when you go to a publisher they are going to ask that you don’t use any numbers in your writing, unless you are referring to a gun or the caliber of ammo it uses so you need to change the following: Veronica jumped up and tried to get through too, but before she could get anywhere, she heard another beam pop and break. This beam fell down to the floor, just like the ones before it and nearly hit a small girl, who looked no older than 5. (change the 5 to a five) there was also one other incident further on, but other than that you hav really out done yourself and you sould keep up the work.
She would have been better off not.
This line kind of cuts off and is awkward. You may want to rework this.
Shaking the snow stuck to her free
To what was the snow stuck? Her legs, arms? This is another ugly sentence that needs to be cleaned up.
past bunched of stores
shouldn’t this be bunches of stores? Even so, bunches is not a great description, what kind of stores? We need some history to make us care about what happens to these people.
land opened up into a beautiful park
What kind of park, what was nice about it in the winter?
There is just not enough to keep anyone reading. You are telling and not showing, you have many sentences that are awkward and just not believable. I think you have quite bit of work to do if you want this story to be strong.
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