thank you . i was thinking the same.. i want to add more desciptive and captivating language to that part.. i think i can do it .
Short Story / Sunshine In the Arizona Shade
It was a warm summer day in sunny Arizona.. the “SUN DEVIL” state as its known .. a young man Kevin we will call him was out on his porch sipping coffee and reading the news on his laptop. As he clicked on yahoo and read the world headlines and the opening marks for the stock market he realized something was different..
He took another sip .. not wanting to think too hard in the morning hours of his final day in Phoenix. Then a sudden odd feeling came over him.. looking at his coffee.. was it the rush of that morning cup of caffeine .. It couldn’t be.. the coffee was not very strong he had thought. Then he got a lil dizzy.. the hearing in his ears went into a high pitch tone like when you get slapped on the ear.. and then .. he looked out on the horizon and he saw a magnificent glare rising.. not the sun .. nor the reflection off the lake he overlooked… what was it..Kevin shuffled forward to the edge of his balcony in his slippers and white robe.. the ground he felt was shaking a lil .. he dropped his coffee.. as it fell from the edge he could see that it was almost moving in slow motion .. like the out take of a movie.. looking at his hands he suddenly panicked and ran back inside.. the edge of his balcony shaking and then finally falling off.. he almost had gone down seven flights with his lap top.. now on his hands and knees the good Dr. leaned back and placed his hand up in front of him .. was this it .. was the world ending.. a million memories and thoughts ran through his mind .. his mom his dad his uncle his brother.. his old girl friends.. and as the heat and the glare grew more intense.. one voice was all he could focus on ..it was faint but continuos ..the light so bright now everything was surrounding him in white.. that voice though now growing and growing.. what was it who was it.. was it his creator..was it this thing this power before him so great he had no words to yell…no this was familiar..a voice from the past..”Hellooo..” he yelled..”What do you want ..HELLLOOO.” as he started to scream in a loud desperate crying tone.. “HELLOOO.. ” the tears rolling down his face.. “HELLOOOO.. WHY.. whyyy.y.y.y..” his voice now hysterical in tone ..placing both hands over his face this man ..this strong once poised successful charismatic man who made everything in his life from his own hard work… now was now without an answer … Mustering any strength he could he rose to one knee..then with his body shaking the fear through him.. one hand stretched outward toward the empty white light that he had no answer to..he closed his eyes and lashed his head back to welcome his fate…and as the voice became ever so clear..it was the voice of a young women.. the hollow fearful look on his face drew calm .. “Kevin.” said the voice .. “kevin..I could lay here for ever..” the image of the voice now appearing from the depths of his memories.. under a shady tree..”kevin…I could lay here forever..” It was a young girl from his past.. but why.. all his fear escaping him…he had not heard or seen her in thirty years.. a weekend he spent with some friends after grad school ..a month before he was to start his practice..that one last getaway had turned into a week with this young women on the white sands of the Mediterranean.. “Kevin..stay with me… ” “STAY WITH HER” he yells out loud now.. and the voice fades … “kevin I could lay ..” He opens his eyes.. .... ...for a brief second he sees beyond the curve of an oxygen mask..”what is happening”.. .. he closes his eyes.. “noooooooooo” yells a women..”its his wife” he tells him self.. he opens them again .. and then …silence… he hears a voice one last time.. “kevin I could lay here with you forever..” he smiles..
The end
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billyswiftfoot reviewed Version 1 -
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This 72 word review has not been unlocked.
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very difficult to read because of the broken sentences and poor grammar. Please rewrite so that we can get to the story inside here. I was lost about halfway through because the fragmented nature of the prose. Sorry.
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nathandrewsire reviewed Version 1 -
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a young man Kevin we will call him was out on his porch sipping coffee and reading the news on his laptop
This sentence needs a comma before ‘will’ and after ‘him’. It makes me stumble when reading.
I like the image at the start. Good job on that.
The balcony falling off doesn’t seem to dramatic with one sentence explaining it. I would elaborate this action to impact the reader more.
grim_paladin reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s good, but it is written poorly. It was nice to see you try to use ”...” but it didn’t work in the story. You’re better off with just one ’.’
I liked reading this story from the perspective of a man who has had a near death experience, but like I said, to make this better, you need to work on the sentence structure. That’s what threw this soon to be master piece down the toilet.
Another thing, you use “lil” alot instead of “little”. You can’t always get away with using slang in a story
aprilsawriter reviewed Version 1 -
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It could be a good story, Is it one long paragraph?
John reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite descriptive fow such a short tale.I wonder though why you put two periods instead of one.Very good though.:D
Darthen reviewed Version 1 -
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You might want to double space between paragraghs, it makes it a lot easier to read that way. This story was a bit too confusing, I’m not exactly sure what is happening you lst me after “He ran back inside.” Did the building collapse? Well, that can be my only guess, in which case, this is a depressing little story you have here. You’re definitely going to want to clear it up, as it is very confusing and I am not quite sure what is going on.
Monday reviewed Version 1 -
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A little difficult to follow—interesting style choices. You might want to clean it up a little bit though. Having one long sentence is hard to read.
jezabel reviewed Version 1 -
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short and sweet, I liked it. You have a good way of telling a story a good flow and a good job of pulling your reader in. joke or not, you grabbed my attention.
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