Poetry / Outside My Window (Analysis)

The seventh line down seems to be missing the word way. I think it flows really well and love the description of the tree analogy at the begining. There is so much truth in theis piece. I didn’t get the trapped like a fence.  I don’t know it just didn’t seem to fit to me.  Also at the end when you talk about this being the only world that you know I was thinking back to the part with the dream of queens and kings.  COuld there be a tie in here?  

I think you need to review the structure of this poem. There doesn’t really seem to be much holding it together. The rhyme seems unrelated the the lines and rhythm. Also, ‘farthur’ isn’t a word. It’s ‘further’.

I actually really liked this poem, even though I was sure I wouldn’t.  I was unhappy with the structure of the lines at first, but I decided in the end that I liked the internal rhymes not being line endings etc.  The almost rambling, trail of conciousness works well, like a person just talking about how they feel about their neighbourhood, changing subjects as things catch their eye.  This works brilliantly with the tone of the poem.  There are a few things that need brushing up however.  for example, the use of the spelling “thru” is horribly out of place without the rest of the poem being informal and/or in slang.  It should be “through.” (this is true throughout the whole poem)  Also, it is “further” not “farthur.”  ”the only you’ll pay a price” is not a sentence: there’s either a word missing or it needs rephrasing.  It should be “it’s” in line 3,8, 13.  Also, check your apostrophes throughout as well, such as “Im” in line 3, or “mothers” in line 9 etc.  in fact this happens a lot through the poem, so run a spell check over it.

But this is just me being picky on grammar.  As far as the tone of the poem is concerned, I do like it, except for the use of the metaphor of “things leave that once were attached like trees” cos you then suggest they are blown away by the wind.  Trees are not about to be blown away but anything other than a very strong hurricane.  Leaves might be a more apt (albeit clichéd) metaphor.

It should read “without further delay” not “delaying” in line 6. And it should be “let’s” not “lets”  and I think there should be a full stop (and therefore a Capital letter on the next line) at the end of line 14 (“After a few pinches… window pane” – oh and check the “Im” and “thru” here too)

So overall, I like what this poem is saying, and I like the rhymes and style of it, but please check your spelling and your grammar, as it ultimately makes the poem look amateurish and weak.  Especially if you are hoping to be published.  There’s no quicker way to be rejected than to not spell correctly.  You have potential here, don’t let basic errors let you down, especially when it can easily be corrected with a quick spell check.  I look forward to seeing more of your work, as I like what you have to say.

i read ur piece and i really like it. it was very sad tho but it was still good. u need to space out it all tho like a read poem. ive had a dozzion ppl say that to me cuz i did the same thing like u have done. lol. well good luck next time.

   It’s nice to see someone else who is reality based, it is funny to see that even within the stark ties of life outside the mind is still divergent (attempting to put things into a pristine tone).  You’ll have to downsize the plethera of “I” if you want to send it to a publisher or twenty.  I would suggest sending it to Labour of Love, their website should give you further direction.  
   Work on the poem some, nice intro.  At first I read “at things were attached to trees”, I was like that’s hillarious, how many things are attached to trees at different times, but then the reread made more sense.  Nice job on writing a straightforward poem with your own voice.

I think this is good, however, some parts i had a little trouble reading. Other than that, I think its really good and your use of imagery is good as well.

I love this poem!!
However, there’s something about it that nags at at me but I can’t tell what it is unfortunately >.<
However I absulotely love the way how you describe in your poem.