Lyrics / The Colours Between

You MUST MUST MUST specify the genre in the notes. No one can review this, because right now it’s just poetry.

a song doesn’t NEED a hook, but this one lacks any respect for musical tradition whatsoever -

which is fine if Tori Amos does it, or Mos Def,

but if you wrote this with John Legend in mind or Linkin Park it would seem silly at best!

please revise, and I’ll have another go.

~ Dave Rockstar justhalfempty.blogspot.com

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July 24, 2006

by Cirrus_Minor

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18	33.3% (6 votes)	77.3%

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22	M	Canada	January 05

Linkin Park? God no. Besides, a lot songs are basically just poetry. I really don’t see why this can’t be a song. I’ll probably have to play with it a little, but just because it’s poetry-like doesn’t mean it can’t be a song. Go listen to some Pink Floyd.

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There is a bit if incongruity between

Too scolded to see
what I have come to love
and all that is serene

and

I walk a fine line
while you cut nerves
and distanced me from cover
our blood may be thick
so I choose to dilute my own
in with all the others

If you are too scolded to see you would not know to walk a fine line or choose to dilute your blood or have any inclination to do so.

I really like the first two lines – excellent imagry and the words don’t seem too contrived as is a trap with this style of writing.  The comparison to the subject’s pain akin to war without the death is nicely done.

I don’t think the word obscene works there for me – maybe extreme?  I generally liked the work.

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July 21, 2006

by Cirrus_Minor

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I think you have just interpreted this in a different way than I wrote it. I wasn’t referring to myself as scolded, rather the other person this piece is about. I don’t really like to discuss the meaning of my lyrics because I like to leave it up to the reader, but, I’m the one walking the fine line, while the other person is too scolded to see, so I dilute my blood to rid me of them. Savvy?

Also, extreme wouldn’t really capture what I’m going for. The man isn’t afraid of extreme things, but rather, unordinary things. If you have other suggestions though, I’m all ears.

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Ok…just when I started to think I got a beat within my head, you change corse.  Song are auctually poetry set to music.  They follow a formula and have a beat.  I stared to feel it thought then you changed style and never went back.

Put a space between each new verse, at the change up let us see and then again when you go back.  Ps…no chorus for the listeners to remember and sing to?  So is this a ballad?  A rap, or what.  It does not sound rap.  

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July 20, 2006

by Cirrus_Minor

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18	33.3% (6 votes)	77.3%

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22	M	Canada	January 05

I changed style? Really? The style is very simple…

1
2
3
1
2
3
1
2
3

...through the entire thing. Pretty basic rhyming scheme if you ask me. I did put a space between the 2 verses, and there is no change up. Also, since when does a song have to have a chorus? Also, do you honestly believe this might be rap?

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This bit “You took the free ride
while I walked my own path
two different shades of green” read like the chorus to me with the optional line “The colours between”.

There seem to be more than two stanzas here so you should look at this and work those breaks into it.

Between these two lines: “and live without questioning the reign
The swirling rain droplets” there should be a break and maybe a chance for the choruse to repeat.

Otherwise, I found the imagery very strong and would like to hear this to music.

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July 20, 2006

by Cirrus_Minor

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
18	33.3% (6 votes)	77.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	M	Canada	January 05

I probably won’t put a chorus, but I probably will put breaks.

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i like the story behind this, the take on the cliche blood is thicker then water and your line of diluting it is something relatable i think to a lot of people.  seems like you put an old thought out there for the first time.

very much enjoyed this work.  I see your love, your serenity, the different shades of journeys..some less taken.