Screenplay / From Here to Jail

[Fade in from a close-up of some mundane object. Pan out to reveal scenery: A lady tied to the railroad tracks. Silence all around]

Meggen: Hello… HELLO! Anybody!?

[Pause]

Meggen: I’m going to cry.

[This carries on a bit, then the sound of a whistle]

Meggen: Oh, not good! Help! Anybody! Help! Somebody! Help!

Eric: [Suddenly appearing within Meggen’s sight] You like the Beatles?

Meggen: OH, THANK GOD!...What?

Eric: Do you like the Beatles…? That was Help! you were singing, right? One of their earlier tunes…

Meggen: That wasn’t… They’re okay. But, the train! Please help me!

Eric: [Glancing around] I don’t see a… train… Oh, wait…

Evan: [Stepping into view] Yeah, that was me and my new train whistle. Well, it’s not new. It’s old, but I was looking through old junk today and I found it, and I thought—

[A real train blows its whistle and is steadily approaching]

Eric: Oh, there’s a real train. [Pointing down the tracks]

Evan: Yep. Real train.

Meggen: Get me off these tracks! I’ll be killed! For God’s sake, I’m a virgin!

Eric: Why are you tied up, anyway?

Meggen: Is that really important?

Evan: And what does your being a virgin have to do with anything?

Meggen: [Hesitating] Well, I don’t know.

Eric: She seems nice enough…

Meggen: I’m going to die. Will you at least console me? Tell me I’m pretty.

Eric: You’d look better with a little less mascara. Now, if we save you, do you think we’ll be involved in any sort of justice process involving the courts? I would testify for you, but Evan and I have warrants.

Evan: What? No, we don’t. [Kicks Eric] But, I really don’t want to be drug up into any sort of dramatic story involving the hunt for your would-be assassin with many clever twists… or anything… unrealistic like that. I’m hungry… and what if this is all a trap? She could be some mad, crazy serial killer that’ll kill us when we untie her.

Meggen: Then, just don’t untie me! Just get me off the tracks!

Eric: You have a point, Evan…

Evan: Make her promise not to hurt us. Make her promise!

Eric: Okay, so, for Evan’s peace of mind, promise not to murder, maim, and/or hurt us in any way?

Meggen: What?

Eric: Promise you won’t kill us?

Meggen: Oh, uh…

Evan: No deal, then!

[The train that was coming earlier in the scene is closer! Camera cuts between the train and Meggen’s face and the boys]

Meggen: Noooo, no, no. No. NO! I mean, yes! I promise! Yes. Yes. YES!

Eric: Okay…

[Evan and Eric lift Meggen from the tracks and set her down a few feet away and begin asking her questions]

Eric: Why were you tied to the tracks?

Meggen: I do—

Evan: Who did this to you?

Meggen: I don’t know! No clue!

Eric: How long have you been on the tracks?

Meggen: I don’t know! I woke up tied up and staring up at the sky!

Evan: I just heard “up” and that’s it…

Eric: What’s the last thing you remember?

Meggen: Well… last night…

Evan: Wait, hold up. Before you get into a long description of your last conscious thoughts, can we go somewhere that has food?

Meggen: Sure…

[Train roars by as Evan and Eric hoist up Meggen and carry her away]

Eric: Whew, that was a close one.

[Scene change. Evan is eating, and Eric is listening to Meggen]

Meggen: The way I see it… is that if we were supposed to eat with silverware, we wouldn’t have hands.

Eric: But, how would we hold the silverware, then?

Meggen: That’s not the point. Our hands are the only eating utensils we need.

[Meggen continues eating food with her hands]

Evan: She has a point.

Eric: [Is worked up into a rage by now] No, she doesn’t! Saying we don’t need silverware, because we have hands is like saying we don’t need shoes, because we have feet. They’re both just helpful items! Civilized items!

[Meggen and Evan both just stare]

Meggen: Anyway…

Evan: Anyway…

Eric: Anyway… now that I’ve won that argument [Meggen starts to say something but Eric talks over her], tell us the last things you remember before you were mysteriously tied to the train tracks.

Meggen: Okay… I got off work…

Evan: Oh, where do you work?

Meggen: Piggly Wiggly.

Evan: You know Jake?

Meggen: Jake…?

Evan: Lund?

Meggen: No.

Evan: Scott Rowe?

Meggen: No.

Evan: Susan Bea—

Eric: Evan, man… shut up… let her tell the story…

Evan: Okay, okay… Susan Beam?

Meggen: [Pause] No, anyway, last night was typical…

Evan: What about John Halbertsonitz? I know he shops there a lot.

Meggen: [Pulls out a closed but fairly large pocketknife] Let me finish, okay?

Evan: You promised you wouldn’t hurt either of us, and while that isn’t exactly legally binding, I’d still think of you—

Meggen: [Throws closed knife at Evan]

Evan: [Obvious discomfort] That didn’t hurt.

Meggen: Good.

Evan: You’re ugly.

Meggen: What?

Evan: Nothing?

Meggen: Did you just say, “You’re ugly?”

Evan: No…? What? No… well, maybe… Did I [Turning to Eric. Eric nods]? Yeah, I did.

Meggen: Okay, let’s take this outside.

[Scene change to a park. Pretty day]

Eric: [Absent-mindedly]Yeah, days like this are rare…

Meggen: Not around here, they’re not.

Eric: [Snapping out of the trance a bit] Yeah, well, they’re still [At a loss for words]... I like them.

Evan: I’m going to go play on the swing.

[Evan can be seen in the background running, swinging, and falling down at random]

Meggen: Okay, so, last night… wait, what’s your name?

Eric: [Blank stare] Eric. Eric Houston.

Meggen: And your friend?

Eric: Evan Paul.

Meggen: I’m Meggen Haspe.

Eric: Yeah, I can’t believe we’re just now sorting this out… Megan…

Meggen: No, Meg. Gen. No one ever gets that right. My name has two g’s in it, and, honestly, it’s not that hard to pronounce them. I mean, two syllables… Meg. Gen. Meggen.

Eric: Meg—gen. [said stiffly] Meggen. Can I just call you Meg?

Meggen: Sure, so, [looks away from Eric -- her eyes follow some object] I guess I’ll get to the story of what happened last night… I had a nice afternoon at work. Wasn’t much to do. [Eric leans into view of the camera -- trying to figure out what Meggen is looking at. Eventually leans out. Evan can still be seen in the background and as she is reaccounting her story, a small box pops up on screen that shows her thought process] I got off work about six, and I got in my car. I turned my car on. I put in a CD… some David Bowie, I think… No… no, it was Mos Def… Yeah, it was Mos Def. Then, I put my car in reverse, and I backed out of my parking spot. Then, I turned left, maybe it was right… no, I usually go left when I have to go to the bank, and I had to go to the bank. So, I went to the bank. I got forty bucks. I went to the gas station. I got a soda and—

Eric: [Cutting to his face] I don’t mean to be rude, but could you maybe give me a shortened version of what happened to you yesterday?

Meggen: I just figured ANYthing could be a clue… but… okay…

[We can see Evan in the background lining up to throw a pinecone at Eric]

Eric: Honestly, just tell me your last few conscious thoughts… those are prob—[A pinecone hits Eric in the face. Eric just looks at Meggen in dismay for a few seconds] Keep talking… [Eric says as he rises and starts walking towards Evan]

Meggen: I had just gotten to my apartment complex. [Voice gets progressively louder as Eric walks away] And… I got out of my car. Walked up the steps. And, then I opened the door to my apartment, took a few steps inside, and that’s all I remember.

Eric: [Struggling with Evan. Holds him still for a second as he asks] So, was the assailant in the apartment?!

Meggen: Yeah, I think so!

Eric: Well, I took a few crime scene investigation classes—maybe we can find some clues at your apartment!

Evan: [On the ground, being helped up by Eric quietly says] You took crime scene investigation classes?

Eric: No, but, I did buy an “At-home Detective” kit. It has like… fingerprint stuff… and… a flashlight… and… gloves…

Evan: Why don’t we let the cops handle this, man?

Eric: I hate cops.

Evan: We don’t have to be involved!

Eric: She’s pretty.

Evan: What?

Eric: Well, if anything, this gives me and excuse to talk to her. And, if we find out whoever attempted to kill her, and then bring him to justice, she’ll instantly fall in love with me. Those are the rules.

Evan: One, I can’t believe you just said “bring him to justice”, and two, then I have absolutely no incentive to be here. Bye.

Eric: No, wait, I need your help.

Evan: I don’t care.

Eric: I’ll give you things!

Evan: Like what?

Eric: [Reaches in pockets and pulls out contents] Five dollars, eh… this pen—it’s a nice one. Writes real smooth. Black ink. [Hands it over]

Evan: [Unenthusiastic] Oh, wow.

Eric: And here, [Eric cups his hands and then unfurls them towards Evan as he says] some love.

Evan: Yeah, I’m leaving. Faggot.

Eric: Leave now, and I’ll tell anyone and everyone the secret.

Evan: You wouldn’t!

Eric: I have a livejournal. I could reach tens of people.

Evan: Blackmail is serious business. It’s like… against the law or something.

Eric: [Poker-faced] I know.

Evan: Dude… [sighs] dude…

Eric: Let’s go! [Evan follows downheartedly]

[Scene change. They’’re all outside of Meggen’s apartment.  Waiting in the car. It’s raining lightly, and it’s getting dark outside.]

Meggen: Is it raining?

Eric: It’s.

Meggen & Evan: What?

Eric: It’s.

Meggen: Its… its… oh, it’s! It is…

Evan: That’s a stupid way of putting it.

Eric: It’s grammatically correct!

Meggen: I don’t think… one word makes a complete sentence…

Eric: Well, I didn’t say it was a complete sentence… it’s just… it’s, uh… [Gets out of the car and walks up the steps. Meggen and Evan follow ]

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