Poetry / Scribe
Say, you’re me and I’m you
And everyone watches the things we do
And like a smack of smite
My past erupts-
A collection of
Sanctimonious pretentious bastards-
And now
There is everyone who crossed us-
With a thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger
We are free-
And scream you love me
like murder and every type of vice-
Let them know that
When you’re let alone you can
Hold me like you have me,
Like you’ve been places
No one will ever go
Without the sound of a signature click.
You set me to peace,
Curling up inside of your atavistic galore,
The value of risk well spent
and peril well earned
So we can wade unashamed into deeper waters
Beneath wide starry skies
And place our hands on a big black book-
Record and play out
This new chapter of our lives-
To watch knives open
And zigzag between our aching fingers-
Skip across our skin-
So pain can dissipate to sugar cube coatings
Over the tip of our tongues-
They’ll hear the cries break
Like birds escaped-
To echo
We know love like-
Fierce affection
They don’t deserve goodbye-
Forget the past it’s all mistaken
There are no threats-
Keep the gun oiled and the pulse underway
we know love-
Tell them everything we say well do
Is just everything we’ve done.
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I will not debate love with you and who you should be with or who you shouldn’t be with. I’m married to my high school sweetheart. Who am I to judge?
My only advice to you on this poem is that it seem like you’re wearing you heart on you sleeve and taking on the world, which is not necessarly a bad thing, but you open yourself up for a world of hurt if you get the wrong kind of imput.
I do take issue with your first two lines:
Say, you’re me and I’m you
And everyone watches the things we do
They rhyme, the rest of your piece doesn’t, for the most part and this threw me for a whirl.
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This is a meaningful poem, not technically sound, but meaningful. I did enjoy it, and i really like the lines, Say, you’re me and I’m you
And everyone watches the things we do,” The poem lacks the flow to make it great. I recomend some rewrites to work of word use and flow. Rewriting this will not take away its meaning but make it stonger.
From the opening line I expected this piece to be full of cliche, but once I dove into it I really enjoyed it. You chose great words to get your feelings across and the pattern of the poem flowed very well.
PLEASE keep writing… You’re only 17 and your voice is amazing. Just don’t stop… The best advice a teacher ever gave me was an English teacher who told me that when you start writing at an early age and keep at it the only way up… I started writing poetry when I was about 13. I’m 28 now, working as a journalist, and on my way to getting my first teleplay purchased… They may never make it, but if they buy it, I’ll make some nice money… Which is the ultimate reward; getting paid for what you love to do. So don’t stop, you’ll only get better.
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