Novel Treatments / The Left Side of Humbelton chap 2
Her stop was the last and only two kids rode all the way to Humbleton with her, neither of whom she knew. They would walk to the right where the newer houses were built. Lauren walked to the left where only 4 houses still stood hidden behind some trees.
One of the four houses was abandoned and a lot of rumors were surly going around about it being haunted. It was creepy looking but it hadn’t been empty for that long. It was an old couple who had lived there, Gregory and Ellen their names were. She tried now to remember what their last name had been and found she could not. ‘Maybe it has been empty for a while.’ She thought about it for a moment as she passed by. It was the second house in a row of four. The roof came to a point and it might have looked like one of the old school houses except for the porch, which was just the same on all four houses, threw it off that appearance, that and many other attributes. The broken gutter and the smashed windows, along with the doors completely or mostly off their hinges helped the rumor that the house was haunted.
In the first house lived the Killians, Jill and her son Raymond. Her husband had died at some point before Lauren moved in and now the boy was actually a man. That boy had at one point been Laurens only friend. Jill Killian seemed to be withering away. It was rare that you might see her. Once in a while she’d be in her garden, but that is about as far as she ever went. Lauren had been inside many times. It had been years now since Lauren had spoken with Raymond or his mother.
The third house was a big family and they tended to avoid Laurens family. ‘They wouldn’t even lend us a piece of bread if we were dying but then again she thought who would?’
From the outside looking in her family did come off as oddball assholes. Brian was just a drunken slob her mother married because she was getting old and figured this was her last chance at being married. Brian had been in and out of the family’s life for years. Actually he was Laurens brother’s father, but she and the other two were from another guy. As it turned out, Calvin was the only sibling Lauren could get along with as it turned out. ‘So I guess that prick was good for something.’
Her mother was a hermit. She never left the house either. She was a pushy, demanding, bossy woman. Lauren blamed a lot of her problems on her mother but it didn’t matter because no one listened to what she thought except for Calvin.
Her older sister Noel was simply put a mental case. She had at one point or another been prescribed with 56 different types of medications. If she wasn’t crazy before she was sure to be now.
Her older brother Josh was also a hermit. He had a few things in common with Lauren, but the two never got along because he insisted on bullying all his siblings around. Lauren had been the least attacked victim although she had a diary full of incidents in which her older brother had brought her to tears and she’d pull out her diary.
Inside her mother would be waiting for her with her very favorite child ‘the mental case’. Josh was away at collage and Calvin would still be in school for another hour and a half. Walking in the door was like admitting defeat everyday. She hated being here and wanted out so bad. She stepped into the doorway and turned the knob to the front door. With the living room in the entrance, there was no getting to her room without being seen.
“Hello Lauren.” her mother called to her. “Have a good day?”
’Christ with the same questions everyday. Who do you think you’re fooling?’
”Oh yeah, great.” Lauren replied dryly
” I need all the laundry from your room.” she commanded
”Alright, just give me a minute.” she said as she walked away.
She immediately thought of the events outside of the bus. Why had she done it? ‘I don’t want any friends and I don’t need anybody to stick up for me. What am I supposed to like owe her something now because she did it? I didn’t ask her to’. She headed up the stairs and to the right to her room. She threw her bag down on her bed and took off her shoes. She was tired and quickly forgot all about what happened. She lay on her bed and closed her eyes. She wouldn’t go to sleep just rest for a minute.
“LAUREN!” her mothers voice interrupted,”Bring me your laundry.”
‘Mine as well just do it so she can shut up already.’ She gathered her dirty clothes and took them down to the basement. Her mother was there with the washer running and pulling clothes from the dryer.
“Ok now I need you to go to all the closets and gather up the hangers.” she threw another command.
‘Goddamn typical bitch! She always does this. She doesn’t go to work or nothing all day, but when I get home I have to do everything.’
“Come on, I just got home from school. Let me relax a minute.” she whined.
“No, you come on, I am trying to get this done.” her mothers tone was rising, but so was Laurens.
Lauren decided to drop it and went around to everybody’s room to get their hangers. The washers were in the basement and their bedrooms upstairs. She wouldn’t have to go in Josh’s room. It hadn’t been used for months now but still had all Josh’s things in there waiting for him. Noel was in the living room watching her stupid shows. ‘She’s always watching that crap. Why doesn’t she have to get up and do something?’ Her room was to the left up the stairs. She had the biggest room besides the master bedroom. Her door was off its hinges so Noel had a blanket hung in her doorway. Inside the room was a disgusting mess. It wasn’t just clutter. It was stuff all over the place that should be in the trash or kitchen sink. It would have been an all out war if Laurens mom ever came into her room and saw it like this, but with Noel it was okay cause she was retarded. Her thoughts clouded her mind and she didn’t realize until she was falling on her ass that she had tripped over a foot bath and landed straight in a pile of trash from burger King where they had gone to eat about a week ago.
“Jesus fucking Christ, What the fuck!” she had landed in all the trash face first and when she tried to get up she slipped on a magazine. The smell on the floor was putrid. No one in the house other then Lauren stirred. The bang and screaming of profanities hadn’t bothered anyone. This was normal though. Noel couldn’t be reached and her mom was in the basement. ‘Fucking assholes!’ she thought as she regained her balance. She could feel the rug burn on her knee already. ‘And that fat shit is sitting on the couch watching TV while I’m tripping over her fucking slob mess. She’s probably stuffing her face too. Stuffing her face and picking her ass at the same time. What a pile of shit. How do I fit in with this family?’ Lauren looked down to the pile of crap on the floor and kicked it around. The foot bath was probably broke. Noel had had it for years. ‘Fucking thing, fucking piece of shit!’ she punted the foot bath across the room and into the closet. She stumbled a few more times but got to the closet. After all this she found one empty hanger in the closet. It was snapped at the bottom too so if you tried to put anything heavy on it, it would be worthless. ‘Godamned son of a bitch. I am so sick of this. I just walked in the fucking door’.
Calvin (The poor soul) still shared a room with mom. Josh’s room would be empty for four years and Calvin still wouldn’t be able to have his own room. In the master bedroom closet, there were still Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles posters. They had been put up when Calvin was like five years old. He had been into the damn things big time. In that closet, Lauren found three hangers not being used. Four probably wouldn’t be enough to shut her mom up. She decided to check Josh’s room just incase.
His room was to the right with Laurens room. He had the whole room done up in baseball, curtains and everything. He loved Old Spice and his mom had taken this as a hint to do his whole bedroom up in ships, but the farthest she ever got was just some cheep border hung around half the room. It was clear she had walked off right in the middle of putting it up because the loose end hung down the wall.
It was something that to Lauren seemed obvious that Josh would not have liked the border. But her mother had been so sure. When Josh walked in and their mother was in the middle of putting it up, the family had all paid. He had at first been in shock but then he began to yell. It had ended in the hallway when Josh hit mom in the side with a metal rod. That day everyone learned their lesson not to go in Josh’s room. Even to this day the fear of entering the room lingered. She somehow expected to see her brother rocking on the bed when she opened that door, but he never was there. The closet was straight back and as predicted had no empty hangers. She looked around the room at all his stuff. A couple signed baseballs were up on a shelf, his dresser was loaded with baseball cards and hats, his bed was covered with baseball sheets, and his walls with baseball posters. ‘What a strange person.’ She wondered how his room could seem so normal, how his grades had been so good, yet he was a violent, insecure, maniac.
Everyone in the house had been afraid of him, even Brian. He ran the place. When he was around a dinner had been made every night. He also insisted on the dinner being eaten in front of the TV during Simpsons. It was enjoyable but at the same time it was demanded of them. Looking around his room now brought back memories good and bad. She wondered how he would change when he came back from collage. She took one last look and went out the door.
She went to her room and checked her closet and found two more. Six hangers now and that was it. Her mom probably would bitch for her to magically pull some more hangers out of her ass, and if she didn’t she’d have to listen to her go crazy. She headed back to the basement with her hangers. The stairs went around a corner and then down into the living room.
Noel was on the couch as predicted, eating also as predicted. She was in her own world. Lauren flew by so not to disturb her. That would just lead to a whole conversation of nonsense that Lauren wasn’t in the mood to hear.
Out in the kitchen, looking like a cabinet, was the door to the basement. Now Lauren could hear the washer going. She opened the door and the smell of mildew and laundry detergent filled her nostrils. What a pleasant combination. She walked down the stairs and was a little surprised not to see her mom down their waiting furiously for the hangers. It was no time to look for her now. Best to be out of sight out of mind for a little while. She dropped the hangers on the dryer and hurried up the stairs, but quietly, so not to stir up any attention. She didn’t want to be bothered by anyone.
’Success!’ she thought as she reached the top of the stairs. She opened the door to the right and closed it behind her. She flung her body on the bed as though she were doing a belly flop. Then closed her eyes and dozed off.
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This 38 word review has not been unlocked.
You still need to work on POV to show the tell instead of constantly telling the tale…let me give you an example. In your opening lines, your wrote..
Most of the kids got off before her stop. There were 2 kids that got off with her at the last stop. Neither of whom she knew. They would walk to the right where the newer houses were built. Lauren walked to the left where only 4 houses were hidden behind some trees, as not to be an eye sore. It was like to the right, Humbleton to the left, Hell.
Since this is the first sentince/paragraph of a new chapter, you want it to flow from your characters point of view, not from some narrators point of view. Even the term “got off” is not the best you could have used.
Try something like this…
At Laurens bus stop, she and two others were left off and she did not know either of them. She walked along the right side of the road where the newer houses were built. She looked to the four older run down homes on the left, shrubbry hiding them as if to prevent them from being an eye sore. She knew this is the way of it in Humbleton, new and clean to the right, hell on the left.
This still may not be what your looking for, but you can see that I have made Lauren a part of the story instead of an observer. The reader experience the story from her viewpoint instead of just having it explained to them. You can more detail to this so that we know more about the older houses, how run down that are, or her thoughts on why Humbleton was like the left side of the road.
I hope this helps.
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this is gd, if a little slow but i spose it needs to be. it sounds as if Lauren is an oldest child, i no she isnt but she seems to hav all of the responsibilities that go with it.
I like the way you manage to portray each individual and all of their traits and problems without necessarily saying it out loud. very nice, if a little plodding, work. enjoyable indeed
Overall, I think you did well on this chapter. I didn’t see any spelling or punctuation errors. You have a nice pace and kept the reader wanting more. Good job.
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