Poetry / Fire

I think your rhymes create a nice whirl for the subject and theme of the poem, drawing us into the speaker’s frenetic thought process about power.  I do not think your refrain of “beautiful fire” works though, if only because it is not a distinctive enough phrase to read over and over again.  My instinct is that a different adjective thrown in here and there would add to your reader’s understanding both of the fire and the speaker’s feelings about the fire, which after all are a little creepy and therefore interesting for the story of the poem.

I think in lines 10 and 11 it would be good to either combine them into one line or use a different word than “man” – it comes off as redundant. I like the repetition of “a beautiful fire” but i dont like the repetition of “i couldnt be higher” as the second to last line. This is already known, maybe think of a different way to say the same thing.

reminds me of fiona apple’s criminal

suggestions:
>add in some punctuation to distinguish
separate thoughts and such, provide
the read some guidance
>line 3, it wasn’t too clear,
i didn’t realize you meant the “he”
was burning until the end, at first
read it seems like the he is the fire
>line 7, not fond of that repetition,
doesn’t really serve a purpose
(at least not that i can garner)
>line 8-13, i’m assumming lines 8 and 9
occur from thinking about “burn[ing]
...an innocent man,” i think you should
recombine and reorder for clarity,
also in line 12, think should be thinking and don’t say “how i can ruin
his life,” tell the reader
how you can do that
so could try something like:
My heart pounds and my blood races
when i think of burning an innocent man
and ruining his life
just so it has more clarity and resolves
the problem with “how i can…”
>line 14, i think “little” disrupts flow
>line 4 & 17, “i couldn’t be higher”
what exactly do you mean?
i have an idea, but i’m not sure
if it’s the right one
i do like the repetition of that

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July 27, 2006

by field0finnocence

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i hope this is helpful

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wow interesting poem, its quick just like fire :)...anyway the beginning of it starts out well and the ending is just as good. The body of the poem discribes alot with just little words which in my case is really hard to do anyway, so bonus points for that! I Love how you put the fact that it has a guy in it which makes it like a very small story. Keep up the good work!

-Saleinaenachiya

I am reviewing this blind.  So it doesn’t tell me who you are.  I think this poem is written from a women’s point of view and it makes me think that she knows how to apply her charms to make men burn.  Least that what I think.  

Either that or she is spreading VD.  ;)

Good rhythm and beat to it.  Good work.

i like the concept happening here, but would recommened trying for more images, instead of repeating the same words- what exactly does a beautiful fire look like?  what KIND of scent? what KINDS of sounds?
who is this man?  what does he look like?
what does the heat of the fire feel like?
there’s a lot of telling, maybe a little more showing would help to bring out more vivid images. fire itself is always an interesting image, but can be played with (no puns intended) throughout the piece…

good start :)

Great job!  I liked how you refered to it as a “he”.  It shows agression and power with it.  Then the end was soo twisted with a sick sence of pleasure.

Very well worded and just long enough.
And you make a point in saying the beutifull things tend to be most dangerous.(or at least thats what i got out of it.)

It sounds like this person is infected with some desease and will infect others without any remorse ”...and just think how I can ruin his life…”

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July 14, 2006

by kozmicblue

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That’s an interesting view on it, one I havn’t heard before, thank you.

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A little pyromania.  At first I thought your words were figurative explaining a romantic relationship and the possibility of being burnt (so to speak), but by the end of your poem I thought it was more literal as if an individual was finding enjoyment from the ability to cause harm to another.  Then upon reading again, I imagined a woman with the power to control a man and cause him to feel the burn of deceipt.  I like this multifaceted thought process.  At first glance, it is a simple poem, but may have many meanings.  Thank you for sharing your poetry.