Thanks. Yeah, I know its very common. But I was feeling something, something deep with a friend and I. Even though there was nothing tragic. I just wanted to write something, to show people how deep a friendship can get. Thanks for your compliments. I’ve been trying to think of new ideas…because I realize that I write similar stories. But alas. I’ll find something…
Short Story / Faith (Final)
I clasped my hand over the cold doorknob and turned it. A rush of cold air hit my face as I took a step out onto the porch. The old wood creaked under my weight. I stepped down turning right, looking south toward the bridge. Strands of hair whipped my face. I pulled my hood up, stopping the chaotic movement. Shoving my hands into the pocket of my hoodie, my eyes wandered from the earth to the world in front of me revealing that I was only one block away. Not that I had traveled far anyway. The bridge was only two blocks from my home.
I gasped as the cold air stung my lungs. Lowering my head, I started to cough and watched as my breath escaped in white wisps. The stinging continued through my nose. I groaned in frustration. My voice echoed against the old forgotten buildings of my town, and I quickly lowered my hands back into the pouch of my hoodie, scared of drawing attention to myself.
Leaves shuffled across the street, catching my eye. I stared at them, watching them break apart, tumbling over each other. My gaze shifted and I found myself at the bridge. I paused, looking outward. Clinging to life on the walkway were spurts of green grass, hoping for water. I felt a twinge of pity, wishing maybe they had grown somewhere else.
A car zipped past me. I stumbled slightly and sneezed as the fumes drifted up to my nose. I wiped my nose and glanced up to see a blue Yenko Camaro just reaching the end of the bridge. As I observed it, a jumble of memories came flooding back to me.
“Damnit, she’s everywhere.” I mumbled into the night.
_I stopped at the end of the block and leaned up against the stop sign to catch my breath.
“Reid!” I yelled. “Seriously…why do we have to run? It’s not like they’re closing.” I saw her stop and run back toward me.
“Nichole, we finally have enough money for our car. Why am I the only one here super excited about this?!”
I shook my head. “No, no. I’m excited.” I started to jump up and down unenthusiastically and out of breath.
“Funny, very funny.” She laughed. “Fine, we’ll walk.”
I smiled menacingly. “Good.”
~~~~
“What can I do for you ladies this afternoon?” I glanced up to see the car salesman.
“We are thinking about getting this blue Camaro.” I said softly.
“WHOA! WHOA.” Reid exclaimed, slightly shoving me. “Not just a “blue Camaro”, a 1969 Aqua Blue Yenko Camaro 454ci with black racing stripes and a 4speed Hurst shifter…” Her eyes glazed over as she lightly ran her hand over the car.
I looked at the guy and smiled. “She’s the car buff; I just want something to drive.”
“I see…well would you like to test drive it? Or if you already have your mind made up we ca-”
“NO! WE’LL TEST DRIVE IT FIRST!” Reid screamed interrupting him. She grabbed my arm and whipped me to the other side of the car. I slammed into the door.
“Ow…yeah, I guess we’ll test drive it.”
Reid turned toward him holding her hands out like a kid on Halloween. He reached into his pocket, cautiously pulled out a pair of keys and set them gently into her hands. Even though all I could see was the back of her head, I knew she was grinning like a maniac.
“Thank you!” She turned around and got in the car. Before I even had time to think, the car took off.
“Whoa! Reid!” I started running after her, pounding on the trunk. “Let me in you dumbass!” As the car came to a stop, all I could hear was laughter. I opened the door and sat down. “Funny, very funny.”_
I took a step onto the walkway, the gravel scattering. I stopped. Looking down at the rocks, I sighed, the memories growing stronger…and darker.
_Our car came to a stop in front of my house.
“Are you sure you don’t want to take it for the night?”
“Reid, we are already at my house. I am not going to drive you all the way home. You live five miles away.”
She looked out the windshield, “Oh, yeah. Right…”
I laughed. “You’re such a dork.” I opened the door and got out. “Don’t forget to pick me up in the morning for school, okay?”
“No worries.” She smiled and placed her hand on her heart. “Love ya.”
I did the same. “Love ya too.” I shut the door and watched her drive off before I turned and walked up to my house._
_About five minutes after I entered, my cell phone rang. It was Reid.
“Hey, how’s it driving?”
There was silence.
“Reid?”
She started coughing and it gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“Reid? Answer me…”
The coughing ceased and I started to hear gurgling.
“Reid! This is not funny!”
“N-N-Nichole…” her voice sounded weak, like it was fading away, “Nikki…I th-think I’m…” she paused and I heard her take a deep breath, “dying.”
“You are not!” I exploded close to tears. “Where are you?!”
“I-I got in a wreck. I fli-“ she coughed again. I could hear the blood escape her mouth, “flipped our…car…” she breathed in deeply again, “outside the Miller’s old place.”
My face was hot with tears now, and I could barely speak. “Wh-why are you talking to me? Why didn’t you call 911?”
“I-I wanted to t-tell you I loved you…one last time.”
I collapsed to the ground. “Reid, no. I love you. I love you, I love you. You are not dying.” I stopped to catch my breath. “Please…you are NOT dying. Hang on; I’m going to get help.” I put my hand on my heart. “I love you.”
Even though I couldn’t see her, I knew she was doing the same thing._
_I ran out my front door and dialed 911.
“911. Please state your emergency.”
“Reid Mickleson got in a car accident outside John Miller’s old place on highway two.”
“Okay…what’s the severity of the wreck?”
“Bad? Very bad? I dunno….” I held back the new forming tears, trying not to think about how bad it could be.
“Okay, well there is help on the way. Would you like to stay on the line?”
“No, I’m having enough trouble running and talking to you, right now, as it is.” I hung up the phone and ran as fast as I could._
I reached the middle of the bridge and started to watch the water. The murky surface splashed against the pillars. Taking a deep breath, I sat on the railing. I wiped the single tear that had fallen down my cheek, one that held more emotion than I could ever begin to describe.
_“Reid!” I sprinted toward our car, which was upside down in the ditch.
“Ma’am you must stay back. We are doing our best to free her,” I heard as a hand grabbed my arm. I looked at the man holding me and then out towards the wreck. Many men surrounded our car trying to pry it open.
“Do you know if she’s alright?”
He didn’t look me in the eyes. “She’s unconscious.”
The tears I had held back started flowing down my cheeks. I nodded. “How long have they-“
Suddenly an intense amount of heat smacked into my side and knocked me down. My face scraped against the asphalt.
“Get back! GET BACK!”
I looked up to see our car ablaze. I watched in horror as the flames tickled the evening sky. “REID!” I stood up and started running toward the car ignoring the fire’s heat on my skin. “REID!” I felt two hands grab my arms. “LET GO OF ME!” I screamed, struggling to get out of their grip.
“Ma’am, we can’t do anymore. She’s gone.”
I whipped violently around. “You’re lying! SHE IS NOT GONE! REID!” I punched one of the guys in the stomach. “That’s my best friend! Let GO OF ME!” I flailed around more, trying to lose their grip. Then I fell to the ground, coming to the realization that she wasn’t coming out of the car. “REID!!!!!!!!!!!!!”_
“Reid…” I moved my gaze from the water to the horizon, seeing one of the reasons I risked going out on this winter night. The large orange orb of the sun was about halfway below the horizon. Its reflection was illuminated on the water, the rapids giving the illusion the reflection was moving. Clouds floated around the sun, each one possessing a different color. The yellow clouds mixed with the red ones forming a brilliant bright orange, and if you looked higher the reds mixed with the blues to form the most gorgeous purple. Bright illuminations peaked through the sky, making the scene even more beautiful.
She pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them and stared into the sunset before she spoke. “It’s like a little kid painted it you know? Like only they can see the real beauty in anything. Us “adults” lost all that…”
I leaned forward, finally realizing how much of a drop it really was.
I changed my mind.
Before I realized my actions, I found myself running off the bridge, without looking back.
I ran fast, ignoring all of my senses. I heard nothing but the memories. I saw nothing but the memories. I felt nothing but the memories.
The wind pushed me along, allowing me to move faster than I intended. With a destination burned into my mind, I passed my house without a second thought. Determination had taken over my body and I wasn’t stopping until I reached my goal.
When I arrived, I slowly came to a stop and lowered my hands back into my pocket. The swings of the old school yard creaked behind me. I ignored them, looking up at the moon peaking out from behind the clouds. I closed my eyes and caught my breath.
When I re-opened them all the emotions I had been holding back for three months ran down my face. I knelt on the ground my face in my hands, crying, releasing all of my pain. Finally letting go.
I felt a light touch on my shoulder. “That’s it, let it all out.”
I nodded and continued, not knowing who was behind me. All I knew was that they were comforting me and that’s what I really needed. Then I realized. I knew that voice. I opened my eyes and stopped crying. I stood up and looked around me.
“Reid…?”
I waited. Waited for what seemed like hours. I was about to give up, just go on home, I mean it’s just my imagination, when I felt pressure on my heart. The warmth, the comfort, the protection, the happiness that I felt, I don’t think I could ever describe it.
“I’m always right here.”
Three tears fell down my cheek. “I love you…” I whispered.
“I love you.” Then the feeling disappeared. My eyes widened in panic. I put my hand over my heart, hoping it would come back. But it didn’t. Then…I heard her whisper. “Never forget that.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
TheIronMike reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 36 word review has not been unlocked.
djaden06 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The emotion is there. One suggestion I would make is in the first few sentences you repeat the word cold. We get it, stop beating us over the head, we know the doorknob is cold, the air is cold, hahaha, use another word. It felt too abrupt for me. If you wanted it to be short, you should make it into a poem. If you’re trying to make a story, I’d suggest making it longer. The backstory is good, could be stronger. What does Reid look like? Enhance her personality, give us more examples of her crazy, fun-loving nature. And this line bothers me, “Suddenly an intense amount of heat smacked into my side and knocked me down.” Was it an explosion? Because if so, I doubt the paramedics would have to tell you that she was gone if the car exploded in a ball of fire. Overall its an okay story, just needs work.
- add/view comments (0)
jezabel reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Well if there was anything wrong with it I could not find it. Only thing I can say is that I think that it is a common story give or take characters and happenings, but you do tell it well. I just think that with your ability to tell stories so well, use your energy to come up with a fresh new idea for a story and you will be able to write it out perfectly. That is not to say anything wrong with this. It might have to do with a life experience, but you just read about things like this all the time. I never want to be one of many. I know it unavoidable, but anyway I am writing too much now. Good job and good luck.
Nightmares_Tickle reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Intense.
For the most part I like what you’re doing, but the tragedy part feels just a little heavy handed. What I might do would be to intersperse another flash back to something fun and happy while she’s on the way.
Too much harshness all together makes readers put up defenses that gets lowered when they laugh or relax a little. Then they get the full impact because they don’t get distanced from the characters.
Very effective!
Ozzymandias reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 28 word review has not been unlocked.
LeahD reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I don’t know where you started from, but this is a fine, well-balanced story, just the right mix of present and flashback, told in just the right voice.
Excellent job.
einjeru reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 20 word review has not been unlocked.
July 18, 2006
Deleted User
Review of Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Good story. I think all the editing obviously paid off, this seems just right. Sad story. It is well written and the imagery is done well.
I think you finally did it. Keep up the good work!
pyxxel reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
WOW.
I gave you a 2 for your set Goal, “perfecting this piece”, since it is damn near as perfect as it ever will get. And way better than most writings I’ve ever read.
Hell you made me, a grown man, cry. You ahve a wonderful gift of telling a story so it becomes so real the reader feels literally inside it – and inside the narrator’s mind.
The narrative feels real, gripping, edgy, the dialog the same. I could picture every little detail in front of my inner eyes. That shows indeed some skill!
I was just a tad unsure where Nicole ran in the end, but it doesn’t need to be spelled out.
I really cannot give you any advice on how to make this any better. Maybe Hemingway would, but you got a 10/10 here, what else do you want!
Showing 1 - 9 of 9
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
9 Reviews 4 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: over 2 years ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
