Thanks for the review. To answer your points, “scepticism” is the UK English spelling of the word. Both the “jaded eye” and “rain” references, in fact all the sky references refer to the increasing pollution of the world and dilution of faith. The sky is a metaphor for god and the rain is taken from the unicorn myth that the reason there are none in the world now is because the did not escape the flood on the ark. But it you believe, if you look had enough, it never stopped raining…...
Poetry / Scepticism
It rains
they did not die
but came to hide in plain sight
and this twisted Gordian helix
of petrified hair
just became invisible
purity and virtue
see through
clear
in our modern world
under this wounded sky
they did not die
but came to hide in plain sight
beings of the light
with twisted Mobius helix
of Rapunzel’s stairs
of Jacob’s ladder
here
becoming intangible invisible
a simplicity and clarity
rare
in our modern world
caught in the jaded eye
under this wounded sky
that cries a rainbow
of particulates and cosmic rays
and ultraviolet end of days
drops acid
as it rains
they did not die
but simply came to hide
here in plain sight
shrouded in the heavens’ twilight
but shining silver starbright in the night
and their twisted deviant helix
defiant proudflesh shock of hair
sweet perfect
truth
latent behind the air
all here and there and everywhere
in the herenow therewhen
blend
of divinity
just out of reach
in our modern world
made toxic noisy and dry
caught grey and choking
smoking high
at the very end of time
under this absurd, abused and wounded sky
until some far off dawn
this hunter blows his horn
for sight
of unicorns
but until then
it rains
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Antigravity421 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this piece quite a bit, environmental all around, and stated very eloquently. There’s continuance between the stanza’s, I peticularly like that about this piece.
“they did not die
but simply came to hide
here in plain sight”
If I’m getting the same message as you intended, it’s very true. Under this wounded sky… Excellent piece
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lungs reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed this. It was interesting, and you used uncommon words.
garet76 reviewed Version 1 -
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I am, in general, a big fan of the short line; but I love the way you use the line breaks. It is difficult to explain exactly what my feeling is, but it is a bit like being pulled into the words. My reaction is primarily emotional; I’m not sure that I understand everything on an intellectual level, but it feels right.
My favorite passage is
rare
in our modern world
caught in the jaded eye
under this wounded sky
that cries a rainbow
of particulates and cosmic rays
and ultraviolet end of days
drops acid
as it rains
I think it is music. I want to read it over and over and hear the sibilance and rhyme.
dreamingjaguar reviewed Version 1 -
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interesting poem. Did you mean “Skepticism” as the title with a “K” instead of a “C”, meaning to doubt what others think is true? So, it seems like this poems is saying that unicorns still exist, but we can’t see them becuase they are on another plane/level of existance. If so, that’s cool! I love unicorns and always have. I like that you draw on the majestic beauty of the horn using nice imagery without giving away what it is you are specifically talking about until the end.
rare
in our modern world
caught in the jaded eye
under this wounded sky
that cries a rainbow
of particulates and cosmic rays
and ultraviolet end of days
drops acid
I’m reall curious as to whose jaded eye you are referring to above. Is it yours? The world’s? That stanza was a little hard for me to decipher.
You also seem to make a connection between raining and the inability to see. As if, the rain is blinding the modern world from seeing the truth.
Sarah_Sassy reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this! It flowed very weell… have you thought about using it as lyrics? The repetition at the bginning of each stanza suggests that it might do well as a song… Thank you for the read!
ihavedrive reviewed Version 1 -
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Reading this poem I though out the death I had recently. I know there gone but where have they gone. And I continue to wonder. The words you used to describe the sky, feeling, and thoughts of leaving something…was excellent. Keep up the good work!
LeCosmic reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the repitition of this piece, as you didn’t use it too much, but perfectly I felt, The subject wasn’t too obvious [it’s about old Gods and fairytales right and how they have changed into other things as time has passed…right?]you jump between rhyme and free verse with good skill, and you obvously have something to say.
Bold Effort.
Stef reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the use of herenow and therewhen. it adds a really musical sense to the read of it.
i could have done without the unicorn reference though, i dont think the passage needed such an obvious description of unreality. it stands stronger without it.
bnice reviewed Version 1 -
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I was very impressed with this piece. It‘s nice to read a poet who actually has something to say. I thought the repetition was very effective. It served as a center of gravity for the other thoughts and images to revolve around. The imagery was vivid and compelling. This piece has an unpredictable off balanced feel that compels the reader to continue down the page like a man falling down stairs. I didn’t get the title but that’s not very important.
Well Done!
Chris
B.Nice™
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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If I can pull anything out of this twisted Gordian helix of words that rambles on a bit too long it has, I think, something to do with environmental issues or global warming. Could that be close? And who are they that did not die but came to hide? After what? The Apocolypse in some future time? This is truly a conundrum that you have written. It’s surreal, I’ll say that, but I’m really not sure of the message or meaning, or what the title has to do with it. That you like to play with words is obvious, but it’s too obtuse for me to decipher. And why all the references to hair?
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