Poetry / Autumn

Lofty, but I like it

Wow.  That’s so cool.  I always wondered what I leaf felt like as it fell.  Now I guess I know :-)

I really enjoyed reading this, I like the style of how it is written.  I also enjoy the contrast between imagry, makes beautiful and ugly become into one, in my eyes.. sacraficing to crucify eachother to be reborn.. it’s beautiful

I really enjoyed the simplicity of this and the unique style in which you wrote it. What particularly caught my interest was the vivid imagery as seen in these few lines:

The leaves,
they skinny dip in
the crispy air that
          articulates
         each
        sputtering
             twirl.

It has a very mysterious air about it. Very well done!

Wow! Im almost left speechless! I like this alot. This peom is very descriptive and balanced. I find myself travel through the day of a sad performer who must earn a living on the streets as a actor-busker in order to feed his poor family. Dreams of silver screen success long washed away with the rains of many winters past. As the dusk creeps, the leaves bring with them disapointment. I know! I dont think this is your interpretation at all, but I wanted to share with you mine.  

I really enjoyed your poem. The structure is beautiful. It adds to the overall feeling of leaves falling. The words are simple, but get the message across. I love the descriptions, such as “The leaves, they skinny dip in the crispy air that articulates…” nice imagry. The feeling of illness or death is there, as accompanies autumn, but in a light-hearted fashion that it almost goes unnoticed. Only the “-Sorry.” at the end confused me. I still do not quite understand its purpose. Otherwise very nice.

The formatting is interesting.  It does give the impresssion of a falling leaf fluttering back and forth towards the ground.

A couple points for you to think about.  

1. “The corner of a mouth
on a face (of a heart).”

I really haven’t got the slightest idea what you’re trying to say with this sentence and I’ve read it about 10 times now.  Perhaps you are making what you’re trying to say unnecessarily complicated?

2.  I question your use of the word malaise on the second last line.  Is that really what you meant to use, because again it’s not making a whole lot of sense.

On a more positive note I love the image of the leaves skinny dipping in the air.  I would keep working with this for sure, but I don’t think it’s a finished piece yet.

No need to say sorry about that piece of work.I personally found it to be rather good and I know what I like.
I like the style of each line moving back and forth like a falling leaf.

welder

Fantastic work. First of all, the most obvious comment… the structure. Brilliant. It fits so well with the theme. I especially like how the more structures sentences seem to appear closer to where the left margin would be, and the lines that are more simple one/two word thoughts/emotions appear distanced from there. Writing about the season as such a mysterious entity, and then shaping the actual poem to resemble a ? is absolutely brilliant. The line near the end, “I hear you humming pretty malaise.” is an excellent, simple, yet so accurate description of the feeling most people get from the season. Great work.

Never be sorry for your writing. Poetry is more for the writer than the reader. but keep working at it until you feel it is what you wanted.