Beligerent passion is too simplistic? I rarely just think something is a silly comment, but that one is. I wasn’t looking for a catchy metaphor, I need strong words to denote a strong feeling as I’m sure most would say this kind of love making would signify. Orgasm was left in in many ways because it was actually out of place. I liked that I had gotten so far without it, and then put it in. Leaves ‘em guessing, but you need to check again about beligerent passion’. I believe you missed the mark.
Poetry / Praying with Passion to a Fertility Goddess
He blows my candle to the quick
with short huffs
and long puffs moist with spittle
accentuated by burning sighs.
Moving to my tapered thighs
that ignite
from rubbing baby soft stubble.
Friction.
He bows to my volcano
chanting
breathy prayers-
erupting
in orgasm, hot
with wax, flowing
like lava
from an angry fertility goddess-
amorous.
Beligerent passion,
malevolent flame
sweating from pores
and cools, flickering
finally
under a twisted topsheet.
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lordtrilink reviewed Version 1 -
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In terms of imagery, this poem is very successful, invoking the sheer fervency of the act of love – especially as you compare it to the forces of nature (volcanoes, flames). I also liked how you reflected this energy in your form, using lines with very short syllables and irregular meter to reflect the sheer chaos of this passion. And as for vulgarity, this poem is actually in very good taste – the mention of orgasm towards the middle is a bit jarring (at least it was to me), but perhaps you intended this, and if you did, it works. The sexuality oozes from this poem, while standing at arm’s length, leaving something to the imagination. Overall, I really enjoyed it.
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Beeshel reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this poem. My favorite part is the beginning and then I like the image of him bowing to your volcano but:
“erupting
in orgasm, hot”
I don’t think you need that. It’s very much implied as it is and by leaving it in it becomes cliche.
I don’t think you need the word friction all my itself either…that word isn’t unique enough, or important enough for the poem to be all alone. Also, “Beligerent passion” is too simplistic. It doesn’t match the creative word choices that you have put in other areas of the poem. Maybe if you left Beliferent but gave another metaphor or word for passion.
In my opinion changing these things will bring this poem to a whole differnt level.
anonymitysucks reviewed Version 1 -
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this has the perfect mix of poetic achievement, comic imagery, and shielded, yet colorful topics.
i actually laughed at, “He bows to my volcano
chanting”
I don’t think many people can write like this…you’ve just made a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich (well, just different elements).
SanityDreamer reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it and I did not find it vulgar in any way. I did find it to be extremely sexual or sensual if you prefer, and beautifully so.
A couple of suggestions:
one: I would change the word spittle. To me that does not fit the rest of the poem and disrupts the flow and imagery you have going.
two: where you have ‘sweating from pores and cools’...I would put then cools possibly or something that flows a bit better there, make it more smooth. It sounds not rushed, but off somehow.
You have wonderful imagery and the flow overall I find the flow consistent. Overall, I enjoyed it.
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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this is pretty good. I think it could be more vulgar actually. Right now the “sensuality” is making it border-line cliche. (candel to the quick, volcano = orgasm, burning sighs, etc) These images are a little over-used in “hot sexxy” poems. I think your poem could benefit from a little more reality, instead of metaphor. Another thing that is adding to this trouble are the abstractions. Words like malevolent, beligerent, passion etc. I also think that the one word lines should go.
By making it “vulgar” or saying what actually happens the poem will be more original. I also think you coult put your poem into a meter consisting of short lines (iambs, or troches) this would make your poem actually sound like sex. good luck.
townxelliot reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it. It wasn’t too obvious or vulgar, and I think you judged it well. There are hints of “cheekiness”: e.g. “from an angry fertility goddess-/amorous” is fun. Could you make more of this? I also liked how you slowed down the rhythm in the stanza which starts “He bows to my volcano”, as befits the act being described(!). I’d probably take out explicit references to “orgasm”: perhaps just talk about an “eruption”?
Raef reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you’ve definitely achieved a sexual tone whilst avoiding being ‘vulgar’. If you’re worried about offending, you could maybe try finding an alternative word/imagery/metaphor for “orgasm”, that way there’s no direct, blatant ‘technical’ references to the act of sex – it’s up to the reader to exercise their interpreting skills.
Good luck with getting it published.
Derane reviewed Version 1 -
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I was ooh-ing and aah-ing with every word until the last. ”topsheet”. I get the meaning but I feel this is a complete anti-climax to an extremely sensual piece. A suggestion..”flickering finally under a twisted emotion” Maybe lose the ‘and’ in the 3rd line of 1st stanza, reads with more impact without it. ”baby soft stubble”...such an exquisite phrase. I’d replace ‘amorous’ with ‘of lust’. Also I’d replace ‘and’ with ‘it’ in last stanza. Simply divine though, got my juices flowing!(so to speak) Derane :)
AdamYates reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this does create a very sexy image without being vulgar, too rude or smutty – i think its excellently written and allows the reader to create there own image of this act / experience without themselves thinking of it in a pornographic nature but more as one of nature and love taking its cause.
My only criticism is maybe its over too soon, i hope that only goes for the poem !!! ;o)
Superb !
oikos reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the rawness of this piece. It matches the title well. I think this is a good example of when to use sentence fragments as opposed to abusing them (as so many others do). I like the fact that the passion that is within these moments is translated without using phrases like “I feel” or “he feels” and others. I love that the word “Friction” is its own line, its own stanza. To give a feeling, an action, a word that (I think) matches its meaning with sound is wonderful. I almost want you to expand this from the middle. Go deeper. Draw it out. The one word I’m not so sure about is “beligerent”—I’m sure that it is what you intend, but it throws off the pace of the piece. Is there a synonym? Anyway, good stuff.
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