In this case the poem is autobiographical, yes. Thank you for the thoughtful comments. :)
Poetry / Cake Walk
Cake Walk
“Heaven lies about us in our infancy! Shades of the prison-house begin to close upon the growing boy.” William Wordsworth
The day was bright.
The sky was blue.
The air was crisp.
The world was still.
Back then, death was only
a sad abstraction I associated with a cardinal
that once crashed into the bay window
in the living room.
Back then, darkness only lived among the stars.
“Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.” Kahlil Gibran
Mom and I were in the parking lot
behind my elementary school.
They were having a cake walk.
People smiled at me,
glad to see “Paula’s eldest”
getting bigger by the day.
Mom reached into her floral purse,
a brown, embroidered affair.
Then someone gave me a ticket
and brought me over to the cake circle.
The circle was marked
in powder blue chalk
with squares numbered
on the gray-black asphalt.
I followed the others
around the circle
in time to the music –
a scratchy “Up With People” LP.
“Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom.” Charlie Parker
A bit like musical chairs, I thought,
without the chairs. But everyone –
save the winner –
was eliminated at once
when the music stopped
and a number was pulled
from a wide, red bowl.
The winner left the circle
to claim her prize. Mom smiled
and said she’d win
one of these days.
The winner took home a cake.
I have no idea who the winner was.
I have no idea what charity
the cake walk money was destined for.
The only reason
I even remember
that cake walk
is that it was my mother’s ritual,
my mother’s friends,
my mother letting me taste
a little of the frosting from
a little slice of her world.
I stayed close.
As she moved,
as her voice sang –
my eyes followed
her peacoat of heavy wool
in cardinal red.
“Death: Cessation of all life (metabolic) processes. Death may involve the organism as a whole (somatic death) or may be confined to cells and tissues within the organism. Causes of death in human beings include injury, acute or chronic disease, and neoplasia (cancer).” The Columbia Encyclopedia, 6th Edition.
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gting reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning and ending of this piece is strong. You get a little wordy in the middle and lose your flow. Think about editing that section so that you get a stronger sense of rhythm. I hate re-writing other people’s work, but I’m just doing this so you get a sense of what I mean. If I cause offence, I apologise.
....and a number was pulled
from a wide, red bowl.
Mom smiled
and said she’d win
one of these days.
The winner took home a cake.
The details gone awry,
I remember nothing of the charity,
but that it was my mother’s ritual.
Letting me taste a
little of the frosting from
a little slice of her world.
You over-use words. For example “winner”. Removing it from the stanza I quoted tells us that your mother didn’t win without having to repeat the word. It’s a clever way of letting the reader work out from themselves that she didn’t make it. You have to give your reader credit to understand what is NOT said. I understand why you repeated “little” but try using “small slice” instead because the s sounds will lead the reader into the next stanza and provide a solid flow towards the end.
It’s a sweet piece and I enjoyed it. I think you have potential, just work on making it tighter :)
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Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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What a wonderful happy/sad remembrance.
The insertion of the quotations is a very nice touch. I would have thought that it would break up the cadence but instead the quotes served to reset the rhythm so that each section began anew with a fresh feeling.
This left me wanting to hear more of how you were raised. Thank you for sharing.
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 1 -
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i read ur poem and it was a very nice poem. i didnt really get it tho. it was confusing to me. all it was, was about cake. i kinda thought it had no meaning to it. the poem was unclear to me in what you were trying to say.
January 04, 2007
Deleted User
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I like it who ever you are, and it has rythem with it to.
Yeah good material as far as I’m concerned.
R.
silver_glitter reviewed Version 1 -
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I must say, I really like this. I’m not really into poetry, and I harldy ever read poems. But this was really good.
Good job.
November 14, 2005
Deleted User
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very moving…the way you used the work of others brought a real impact to this read…the cake walk is something i associate my mother with too…i like this poem very much…thanx for sharing… :)
a_bittersweet_tragedy reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very beautiful. So vivid, so original. This is most defintely going as one of my favourite pieces. You did an amazing job, thank you for sharing!
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