Haiku/Senryu / A Valley

The spillage of syllable unto the second line is a vagarity, a wandering.
The 2nd and 3rd lines tendeth not to the subject of nature, each word should be biased unto it, as astrictness from which i find in a good Haiku. But hey, its a damn sight better than the first one i wrote, keep the faith its certainly worth it, Haikuism is Kool!!!

Tells a story, paints a picture, and has temperature for feelings. Very nice, the title doesn’t seem to fit, but that’s fine, I hate when the title gives it away.

It’s really rather good.  Others will tell you it’s a senryu I think, a haiku on human nature. It captures a traditional feel and is certainly evocative of the essence of the moment, both naturally and emotionally.

I would humbly suggest that ‘sun’ would be a better image than ‘rays’ and perhaps that you consider turning ‘doesn’t’ into ‘does not’.  I feel more strongly about the former than the latter, which is likely more subjective.

I also think substituting ‘the way it once did’ would keep the essence of the last line but improve the flow.  Very subjective on that one, though I think the grammar is better.

Well done.

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October 09, 2007

by honeymfr

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thanks for your comments.

my hesitance with putting ‘sun’ in instead of rays, is that it wouldn’t sound right unless I put ‘the sun’ which then messes with the syllable count. I also like the idea of just a few sunrays peeking through the clouds and warming the hands, on say, a wintery day.The same goes for doesn’t to being does not.

I think that the end line sounds a little naive, or just beginning to understand the nature of relationships and how they change. With it being a little awkward, it makes the speaker sound younger. I also like the ‘oo’ vowel sounds in used and to.
I will take your thoughts into consideration though. Thanks again!

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This is good.  You have the syllable pattern right, and you have brought in a nature connection with something very human (and as you said identifiable emotionally).  

My advice: just keep doing it.  Find your own voice and your own interests in the form.

However, also think “less is more”: find ways to discard useless syllables, such as “once” in line 3—you could add another word there. You could also change “our hands” to “us” and get another syllable there.  My 2 cents.

As a  grand master
Once told me of verse like these
This is senryu

Content makes haiku
An element of nature
Describes a moment

Relationships are predictable.
I really pick up sadness in this poem.
It is reality; reality doesn’t seem to care about being gentle.

Hello. :)
     I’m also new to Haikus. What I have learned from the very small amount of research I’ve done is that the formula is three lines: 7-5-7, something of which you already understand.
     Another is that they’re traditionally supposed to be about the beauty of nature and insightful things like that. I--for one--am not prone to traditions and strict formulaic impressions. Anyone that might say you did this wrong for not kissing Buddha’s ass is full of it. Haiku is a foreign art, and not much translates perfectly, even styles of writing.
     Here, I find a very sad Haiku in a color of bright red with a warming orange backdrop. I find it fullfilling and void of fullfillment at the same time.
     The sun/voice comparison is lovely. One of my favorites. Very nice. :) --iamfromtheplanetribnog--