Yup, makes abundant sense. Thanks for pointing that out. I don’t know how much I’ll really do with it, as it was basically a warm-up exercise whil I was planning other things. Although… it seems to have garnered more attention than some of my more purposeful (I won’t use the word “serious”) works.
Short Story / The New Gods
It’s just not such a great gig to be a god anymore. I’m getting pretty weary of it, myself. I can’t imagine how the old gods feel.
In the ancient days, people created gods for pretty good reasons. They lacked the knowledge to understand how natural forces work, so they drew up gods for all sorts of things that were otherwise incomprehensible. They depended on their gods to protect them from floods, earthquakes, plagues, dangerous animals, the heartbreak of psoriasis, stubbed toes, chronic halitosis, and so on.
Later, industrious people created gods to help them not only escape disaster, but achieve a better quality of life. These gods aided them in growing bigger crops, making better wine, scoring saucy women, invading empires, and growing thicker chest hair. People knew how to make a god in the good old days.
But as people started feeling bad about the women and the wine (but not necessarily the invading), they started using their deity-making skills to craft gods to help keep people in check. Smiting gods, disaster-producing gods, subject-you-to-rather-uncomfortable-circumstances gods. Martyr-ish gods to make you feel like shit for not going to church on Sunday morning. Patriarchal gods to make you feel better about smacking your ho. Arguably important to societal development, but still a marked step down from the more organic god-making of old, I’d say.
Then came the new-agers with their effete, touchy-feely gods who, more often than not, didn’t get to be called “gods” at all. Whether or not they got a physical form was pretty hit-and-miss as well. What the hell good is it being a god if all you can do is be conceptual and give off a general feeling of well being? Giver of non-physical harmonious vibration, that’s a fine job description. But the nadir of god-making had still not been reached…
Gods today are born out of no discernable purpose, created solely for the amusement of the god-makers, and to mock all the gods that came before. Take the Invisible Pink Unicorn, created by college students to make fun of religion in general. Then there was the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I thought that when computer programmers started getting in on the god-making racket, that it was all over (though I’ve had lunch with the Flying Spaghetti Monster a number of times, and have found him to be quite amicable, if a bit sloppy).
All over, until insurance salesmen got into the picture, that is.
That’s how I came into being, at about 2:30 last Wednesday. Designed on a post-it note.
I’m Qumph. God of all things that start with the letter “Q”. I mean, do you have any idea how useless it is to hold dominion over things that start with “Q”? I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do for my adherents? Bake them a Quiche?
You would simply not believe the requests I get from both my followers. One of them was cramming for a final exam the other day, and asked me to keep his roommates Quiet. Where’s the fun in that? Thanatos could have just wiped them off the map. Thor could have given them a Mjolnir beating they wouldn’t soon forget, if they lived through it. What do I get to do? Play spiritual librarian and keep the little hooligans hushed with my Disapproving Glare of Doom. Whoo.
Then there was the girl last week that asked me to help her find her Queens of the Stone Age CD. Queens of the Stone Age?! I suppose I could have been a smart-ass and dealt her some Queen proper instead, but the payout of nothing more than a confused look didn’t seem worth bothering over. Any self-respecting god of yore would have sent her a bolt of fire or a bout of chalmydia for making a request like that.
And let’s not even get into how many Quentins and Quincys seem to think I’m their personal ass-monkey.
I think it’s high time this world received a thorough drubbing for their troubles. Maybe I’m tired of playing Mr. Nice God, saving the Quail, answering silly existentialist Questions, stopping all the Quibbling and Quarreling among your people. It’s time for a new Qumph! I shall forever be known as Qumph the…
...thumbs through dictionary…
Quizzical…Quadragenarian…grr…Queachy…Quixotic….
Ah, hell. I’ll just be Qumph, I guess. Damnedinsurancesalesmen… But nevertheless… I will unleash Quorn products over the earth! I will make the mountains Quake and Quiver, and make your children Querulous! I will administer Quirky Quizzes on Quantum mechanics, and I will Quash your… um…
Sigh…
Quesadilla, anyone?
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costruire reviewed Version 1 -
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SoulSide reviewed Version 1 -
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Mildly amusing and you clearly have talent. You would have to really work on it more if it were to be worth another read. My two cents.
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Doogy_Rev_Brothers reviewed Version 1 -
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obscuredemerald reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a great concept, but the story itself could be developed more. The idea of man creating gods makes me wonder: if the thought of man can create gods, does this mean that man possesses a great power equal to the gods? I would love to read more about that. Moreso, the voice of the god could be consistant more. In becoming a “god” how does this “god” know about the other gods? Was he told about them? As a science-fiction/fantasy fan myself, I would love to know these details. Please develop this story more; it is a good idea.
lustgarten reviewed Version 1 -
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Like you said, it’s a scribble of ideas. It’s impossible for me to say if this is a good idea or not because there’s not enough written here. ANything can be a good idea. Establishing your character with “It’s just not such a great gig to be a god anymore.” is probably not the best way to start a story, but you are making notes of what the character feels like. Instead, show us throughout the story how the character feels about this gig. He’s obviously become apathetic to his role.
Also, I think giving a history lesson to the reader undermines their intelligence. Instead, tell the history through the voice of Qumph. The voice of the character changes drastically during the lesson. I hope this helps.
lord_of_fools reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m a Quirk :P it can be the god of me and people like me. Good monologue. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I think that it needs to have more of a logical flow. At first it talks about humans creating gods, then it talks about being the god of Q then it ends. I think we need something else. Either the introduction discussing humankind’s creation of the Deity is too long, or the closing monologue is too short. I think it’s more the latter. Try to add more to the end to make the beginning more relevant. Does that make sense?
Oh, and points for mentioning the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
darkdescent reviewed Version 1 -
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Very funny stuff. I like the tweaking of various old (and new) religions. It’s funny to see a god who feels himself rather useless. The story flows very well with plenty of jokes along the way. I especially like “designed on a post-it note.” That’s a great line. I’d like to read more of your stuff.
xxoozero reviewed Version 1 -
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“It’s just not such a great gig to be a god anymore.”- I believe “gods” should be capatalised. I could be wrong though.
“I’m getting pretty weary of it, myself.”- Strike the comma.
“Later, industrious people created gods to help them not only escape disaster, but achieve a better quality of life.”- Add the word “to” after “but”.
“they started using their deity-making skills to craft gods to help keep people in check.”- Replace the second “to” with “that”
“Martyr-ish gods to make you feel like shit for not going to church on Sunday morning. Patriarchal gods to make you feel better about smacking your ho.”- Make this one sentence.
“But the nadir of god-making had still not been reached…”- A period works better here.
“I thought that when computer programmers started getting in on the god-making racket, that it was all over”- Strike the word “that”.
“All over, until insurance salesmen got into the picture, that is.”- Strike the second comma.
“I mean, do you have any idea how useless it is to hold dominion over things that start with “Q”? I mean…”- You used “I mean” twice in a row. Strike the second one.
“Whoo.”- Add an exclamation point for effect.
“Then there was the girl last week that asked me to help her find her Queens of the Stone Age CD.”- Strike the first “her”.
“And let’s not even get into how many Quentins and Quincys seem to think I’m their personal ass-monkey.”- There is nothing wrong with this sentence. I just thought it was funny and decided to give you props for it.
“Maybe I’m tired of playing Mr. Nice God, saving the Quail, answering silly existentialist Questions, stopping all the Quibbling and Quarreling among your people”- Add the word “and” before “stopping”.
All in all, good work. It was entertaining.
Paradise reviewed Version 1 -
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JackandCompany reviewed Version 1 -
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