Poetry / 4 SMS poems

So these are meant to be sent via text messages? That sounds like an interesting idea, although (depending who you send them to) it could trivialize them.

1) This captures the essence of a simple act that we’ve all done. Who hasn’t fogged up a window and written their name in the condensation? Although given that the title is “Sparklers”, you could put the “in tracers on the dark” line last. (I like how you say “on the dark”, like the night is tangible as a piece of paper.)

2) The last line threw me off. It sounded almost disgusted, whereas the rest of the poem had a sort of careless-summer feeling to it.

3) Definitely my favorite out of these. Great imagery with curious, specific word choices. “Opening your profile”... as if their smile is a gift that you alone are recieving, watching them from afar.

4) You did something in this which you did not in the others: it’s written in the way that you might write an actual text message. This is interesting. Maybe try to find a balance between “correct” words and “textspeak” words.

I like what you’ve done.  What is it?  A new form, a callback to the Image poets, I don’t know.  While the poems don’t work that well together, at least in this small quantity, the effect might be different in a body of work.  Do you intend to expand this concept? Taken distinctly, though, I like the lasting freshness of the snapshots, created I suppose by your fine phrases.  Your entire first “Sparklers,” a fabulous title by the way for such a ghostly haunting group of words, seems to show off this talent, infusing a personal elements into the haunting darkness.  I also particularly like the moment, “twilight-/camping out as a kind-/....baboon, baboon, baboon.”  You are able to communicate a lot of feeling here.  Very, very nice, especially for its subterranean indirect communication.  Yungian and musical.  Perhaps, too, I like this moment as much:  ”your face,/caught, edged in silver/a smile/opening your profile.”  Gorgeous imagery, and a particularly notable use of “opening.”  On the sparse negative side, I will knit-pick about three small instances.  I think your placement of “and fake” at the end of “summer dresses” doesn’t work, though I have a sense of what you’re trying to say.  It’s a clunker for your normally carefully placed phrases too.  In the poem “film” I think you could eliminate the line “turning in my seat”; it evokes more of the scene only dubiously and distracts from the principle thrust.  Finally, to me your last title brings heavy disease-ridden connotations because of the “ttis” sound.  As you reader I wonder about that meaning.  A diseased relationship?  Not an epilogue, since the two still live?  In Latin, the “tis” refering to the plural, and epilogue of two?  I don’t know what to do with it.  I am not sure your intention, though will probably find later if I Google it that the word exists and with a precise meaning.

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December 11, 2006

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That’s a very thoughtful review, many thanks indeed

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This is a good way to write poetry and i myself have done similar things with sms texts!

The first poem is visually explanatory but i did not get a sense of emotion or rhyme within it. I don’t know if that was a perosnal choice?

With Summer dresses I saw a scene in the mid fifties which was lovely as those rare touches with glamour and decorum seem seldom to exist these days, but that’s just my opinion. However I could not understand the ending of; “from holidays and fake.” Perhaps you meant fake tan I don’t know but it left me a little confused.

Film seemed to resemble a romantic setting as you say; “edged in silver” which is reminiscent of hollywood stills and the silver screen which by default has a romantic manner to it. Whether you were with somebody in the physical sense or mentally is an un-answered question but I liked it.

Epiglottis. I do not know if this stands for anything but I got that you were describing somehting very personal to you which was almost a defining part of your character and something of which to mark out your individualism?? I also liked the childhood link and the repetition of; “Baboon.”

I like that these poems have to be deconstructed to find the meaning, but I can see myself driving and trying to figure these out. I am not good at doing two things at once. (lol) I like the film one the best! thanks for allowing me to read these!

each in their own right unique and energetic with strong voice.  Good clear writing to me seething with an underlying love.

The fact that you managed to do this with the condensed style of a txt is VERY cool. Props to ya.

EPIGLOTTIS

repeatition of ‘baboon’ is excellent. It not only rounds the sound of the poem off, but it mimics the voice of a mocking child.

Quite nice stuff. Have you thought
of doing them in a Haiku form sms.
I think it would distill your ideas further and limit your use of words
to make your ideas purer still.
How about grouping your poems further under headings perhaps so as to direct the readers thoughts further. Thanks

I liked how these were written. The first one sparklers was pretty interesting, I liked that you went through different things that people write on from beginning with the sparklers light in the dark night.

I am not sure about the summer dress thing, I dont wear them so I will take your word on them, but the writing of it itself was pretty good.

I liked the FILM one.  Telling of watching a movie that you’ve seen before.  I really liked the lines “a smile  opening your profile”  I liked how that ended it, it was interesting.

The last one, ‘Epiglottis’, was interesting as well.  I liked how you tell what you loved not being the eyes, lips or whatever, but her favorite word.  That was interesting, then telling a light story of her.  These could all probably be better if there were more detail to them.  What you have got now though is great.  Good job so far.

I really like these poems, the simplicity of the words that evoke so much! In Summer Dresses, the inversion of the phrases is brilliant! I wonder why you chose Epiglottis for the last poem? It seems a little out of context and yet it is amusing, it’s the only word that jarred me a bit. I love baboon baboon baboon. Lovely!