Poetry / Vocabulary

Once again, I find a poem with an interesting concept, but not poetically crafted. I think the use of metaphors could’ve improved this rather than direct lines like “this beloved three-year-old”.

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October 11, 2006

by Rovey

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
317	91.5% (59 votes)	19.6%

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32	M	United Kingdom	September 29

thanks for the review.  This piece is rather observational, more so than most that I write and as such there may be room for more artistry as you point out, but to be honest, this works for me as it is (and for a lot of others).

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This piece needs some commas and/or periods.  I have an idea where a breath should be taken, but at the moment, the poem runs straight through.  the idea of first wrods, try and make it a little hesitant at first.  

I love how you compare squirrels to children, very strong images there.  and the alliteration works very well within the flow.

and the idea you present in the last two stanzas, about the wisdom of children…all I can see is a group of intelligent people crowded around this little baby, held in awe by the word ‘ball’ or ‘mom’.  Kind of funny and enchanting at the same time.

wonderful poem, with a good tone.  

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October 10, 2006

by Rovey

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317	91.5% (59 votes)	19.6%

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32	M	United Kingdom	September 29

Thanks for the review. With regards the punctuation, or lack of, I was trying to vary the pace from pre-semantic babble to coherent sentences but it may need work. Your idea of having it slow to fast rather than fast to slow is interesting and I will have a look at it. Thanks again.

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I can really associate with this.My friends kid has also just started to speak.I have to be careful with what I say around him because he copies everything I say.

Anyway back to the poem.I like it.I think the words are cool and also anyone who has been around kids will understand the poem.In my opinion I think it flows from one line to the next.Good Job

All The Best
Rob

This is an absolutely wonderful piece. Listening to young children talk is a personal favorite pastime of mine. They are wise and hilarious, and so brutally straight-forward that they can leave you speechless and in shock. You have captured it all perfectly. This poem should hang on nursery-school walls.

The end is just lovely.

The structure of your poem works well. The first stanza being one long sentence. The lack of punctuation enforces the reality of a child when they first learn to speak. They use the same few words repeatedly with great passion nonstop. In the stanza that follow the writing slows, stanza by stanza, they become shorter easyer to understand, and there are pauses Like a child mastering his speech, he slows down and starts putting word together. I assume this was intentional, if so, It’s ingenues. You show a good  story. The one think that I saw, but not sure of is in the first stanza second line the word tumble was this suppose to have a ing ending

ok, maybe not high poetry with all its convoluted syntax and layered meanings, but damn fine writing!

i too have a little one, though he be only 1.5, and i am daily surprised by his ever expanding language (i’m one of those chomsky-ites who find their assalt on meaning, their world view originating in their dialectic).

this poem does everything that modern poetry is supposed to do:

‘and where once there was silence
and gurgle splurge spittle
now poetry’

the turning point of your poem wonderfully slips up on the reader.

‘and then one day
he asked me
in all stern authority
to stop the birds
from singing
and I saw his words
for the first time
as just our reflected nonsenses’

wow – great stuff here.

thanks for sharing the moment, and taking the time to put it down in words.

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September 11, 2006

by Rovey

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
317	91.5% (59 votes)	19.6%

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32	M	United Kingdom	September 29

Thank you for the review. You have commented on 3 pieces of mine in the last few hours and all have given me food for thought. Cheers.

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I loved the alliteration and play with sounds “buzzing bumble beatitudes
platitudes” and “tripping rippling slipping spilling running rushing”. These all describe not only the speech patterns but also the three year old. They really give this piece a playfulness.

The only thing I might experiment with is punctuation, but it might take away from the speed of the piece.

This is a real cool, very original topic.  I thought maybe you should try and tell it in a difference voice.  Even for the sake of a writing exercise, what if you try to tell the poem using a very strong vocabulary?  Or what if you dumb it down and tell it from a weak three year olds mouth?  This might add some color or stronger undertones to the piece.  Then again, its fun to hear from you voice because it give some perspective on how it made you feel.  Good job!      

This reads so beautifully, effortlessly.  I love that.  It should be read aloud, which is appropriate to the subject matter.  What a fresh way of looking at a little human learning the rudiments.  Salud!

There is little as inspiring or enlightening as a child.

I’ve enjoyed seeing my own three-year-old soak up language as if it were water and she a sponge.

Your poem has a hurried pace.  I liked that.  It conveyed all the urgency and import with which a three-year old tells you anything.

The tempo bubbled and spilled the words like the words themselves.