this one basically is speaking about a very short instance in time…where one can make one decision…that alters their life’s direction permanently ..yet if they’d only looked or listened..the ways out were there
Poetry / She Wouldn’t Heed
Whispered madness
did unfold
were the truth
to be told.
She wouldn’t heed
or did she listen
Her only thought
of how
she missed him.
Went right back
From whence she came
to his psychedelic
mixed up game.
Tattered, torn
sharply pierced
her very core
he took so fierce.
Swallowed whole
one thunderous night
begging screams
of her plight.
No one came
nor did they care
because she went
where she should not
dare.
Secret terror
beneath the light
hidden crevice
within one’s sight.
Concrete footsteps
toward the door
blocked her path
forever more.
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momsgirl2 reviewed Version 1 -
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God, this is about spouse or female abuse and you have worded it so well I can feel the chills of former abuse that I ran from. Great job of writing from the heart.
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debby_GREENEYEZ reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece has a very dark feel to it. As if we are missing something or some reason
That it happened this way. Why did it end this way?
Debby
jungsnkim reviewed Version 1 -
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There’s some odd wording in the beginning that upsets the flow of this poem. I understand what your trying to convey but it was hard with the wording.
bor1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this.It flows brillantly.
Went right back
From whence she came
to his psychedelic
mixed up game.
Tattered, torn
sharply pierced
her very core
he took so fierce.
I loved that especially.Well done I don’t think it needs any work doing to it.Good Work
All The Best
Rob
K_J_White reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a sad piece. It’s not terribly complex, it’s there to tell a story. The lines about no one coming to her aid because she ‘went where she should not dare’ were sad.
The phrase concrete footsteps was good imagery..booming, loud footsteps..threatening. I think I’d lose the word ‘whence’, it sticks out in an otherwise plainly worded piece. ‘Where’ would work just as well.
In line 6, ‘or’ should be ‘nor’. Also, begging screams of her plight doesn’t really work or make sense. “Night” and “plight” are your problem. Try something like ‘swallowed whole, in a thunderous rain, begging screams revealed her pain’, or any other combination really.
A few tweaks and you’ll really have something here. Good job.
lungs reviewed Version 1 -
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This seemed a little shaky at points but compared to most of the items I find on this site, not bad. I think that if you elaborated a little more on what the poem is about, it would enhance its intensity.
September 21, 2006
Deleted User
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Hello,
I like this but it’s a little disjointed and maybe could even be expanded a bit. For instance your verse is a bit formal in some places such as;
Went right back
From whence she came
The word “whence” reads formal to me while the very next verse;
to his psychedelic
mixed up game.
Reads more modern and casual. You have alot of that going on here and I don’t think it works as well as it could. I would write in a consistant voice so to speak within the same piece. But I like the story the poem tells so I think it’s worth reworking a bit.
~D. Marlar
The_Bored_Poet reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite a fascinating write methinks, I particularly like the structure and flow you employed throughout this piece, increased the overall feeling and made how you expressed it just that much better.
Mediyogi reviewed Version 1 -
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I could feel the impending punishment, and her fear. Good poem!
crystal69024 reviewed Version 1 -
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this poem is awesome. i can totally feel everything you say. i got chills just reading it. it’s a very dark poem and i totally love it.
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