Poetry / Rimmel

I have sort of mixed feelings about this work.  While the sort of choppy grammar-backward style started off irritating me, in rereading it, with the patience and open-mind to all alternative variations of technique, I was able to sort of piece together the overall vibe and it became more palatable, but like a meal that needs several times tasting and much seasoning, much paprika or montreal steak salts, it grew on me…as did the feeling of a sadness that manifests itself in a mascara stain on the bedsheets/pillow etc…i think the jolted, yoda-esque way of styling your poem could made a bit easier to swallow if the lines weren’t running on top of each other, a bit of separation into more lines in each stanza, like shown below:

Another round,
please, another round
whiskey on the rocks
crashing thoughts on liquid rocks,
I’ve never thought
it could have been so easy
to shipwrecked,
rescue forces stop them all
I wanna sink in sweet
liquid nectar of love.

—now I’m not sure if this is how it was all intended to be written, but if it was, the breaking up of the stanza gives it more purpose, i think, and maybe the repetition of meling and rocks could be curbed abit, but like I said, I considered that this is your intention, the repetiion itself, and interestingly, since i get the impression of one in a state of inebriation, the repetion and misspoken wording(?) would make sense as a moment capturing the rejected one in the throes of a drunken episode, so in that respect i think ti works.  
I enjoyed these lines;

in the memories of a night
u made so difficult to deny

as well as;

when we were nothing but love
when try was just a right word

some punctuation issues may be at hand, but overall, the feelings are conveyed regardless the sense of something dissolving(a relationship, a potential for love) is nicely captured at the end, after many hints of melting, with thge word “Melt”

So, if you found my review to be a bit confusing or having contradictory points, thats because this is the reaction I am having to the stimuli of your poem….nice work, it made me think and I like that as well!

cheers!

I didn’t really get this at all.  I assumed the black pillow you referenced to had some metaphoric meaning, but I never really figured it out.  The words seemed jumbled and didn’t seem to really form a complete thought or sentence.  I did like your phrase “Another round of whiskey on the rocks, crashing thoughts on liquid rocks”; however, I spent more time trying to figure out where a sentence, thought, ended and began that I couldn’t really enjoy the story line.

There is something haunting about this poem but honestly it is hard for me to decipher. Not sure what a rimmel is, it must be slang for something, dare I guess what you mean? A black patch on the pillow, is that for mascara after tears? I detect a sexual connotation, that a lover has been denied perhaps? Then the refrain of equating a round of whiskey confuses me, puts me in a bar, but then is refers to thoughts gone blurry I suppose. You seem to leave out key words here and there or confuse, u were laughing and rock. Pucnctuation and line breaks would help a lot. Would really like to understand this better and what is a rimmel?