Poetry / Studies in movement

I feel like I have read and reviewed this before, but Urbis is allowing me to do it again, so who knows.

This is very well written. You have used the language to create a great feeleing of rhythm. The first stanza sounds beautiful and melodious as it leaves my mouth which means it makes wonderful poetry to read.

I think you should review your punctuation. There should definitely be some sort of pause after the third stanza, especially after the using the word deliberate in a line. It affects the pace and you need to fix that but adding punctuation, by telling the reader to take a moment.  Maybe add a full stop?

Wonderful ending, altogether, I loved it :D

wow, this is expertly written. what wonderful, tight language! you really are 14? please, let me not understate myself… keep writing. what astounding understanding you have of language. the only improvement i would advise is in the last stanza. maybe more like…

“the shoulder and the breast incline/as his head rests/and lips move/toward the stroke of the ear/two figures merge/outline a new profile/(cut artful)/nearly a visual deception/christened with affection”

i’m not sure about that last line. there might be a better way to say it, but i’m really impressed. thanks for writing

Hi there,

I have become notorious on this site for marking rather low. I know I am a harsh critic, but I have never excluded my own work from such a critical eye.

I am giving this work the highest I’ve ever awarded here – in part because I think it is an incredibly sophisticated observational piece, not least because of the age of its writer.

I think this is a truly lovely observation of movement, and of the body language of two people. Your final two lines are some I would have been proud to have written myself.

Bravo. When can I see more of your work? I’d love you to PM me and let me know who you are so I can read more.

Mo

Nice description of the the body’s features. I like how you incorporate the movement of the body, rather than just describing what the figure looks like.  There was some repitition that I think slowed this down a bit.  For example, you repeat “shoulders” and “hips” in consecutive stanzas.  I’d work to smooth that out a bit.  Also, in the sixth stanza, I would drop the word “hanging” and just leave it as “suspended in air”, it sounds much more fluent.  I do like the direction that the poem offers; almost like a “guide to gracefulness”.  Cool poem, I liked it.

Wow!  I can visualize what you’re writing.  This piece flows very smoothly and gives the reader very good imagery.  This piece is lovely.

Hard to believe you are only 14 to not only notice and write of such nuance, but to have experienced such subtle and sophisticated exchange between two people. I think this is brilliant! There should be a period after movement and collar. A comma after collar. So there! :) What more can I say, it is almost perfect as it is. What brought you to this? I must read your other work. Anyhow, I like this very much.

This has to be one of the most beautiful descriptions of movement I have ever read in my whole entire life. You really worked hard on this, and it shows in the words.

I could just imagine everything, every slight move that you describe which made it even more enjoyable of a read.

The poem didn’t loose momentum (which is kind of a common happening in these things), it just kept on going strong.

Keep up the great work. I look forward to seeing more of it in the near future.

This was very fluid in motion.

I think you got it just right.

I like this piece. The rhythm seems a bit off, but I think you could easily repair that but breaking the lines differently and adding/subtracting some punctuation here and there. Great start.

Wow, this actually gave me chills. Very thought out and textured. I liked it.