Poetry / Futile

This one has been reworked numerous times on paper.  I’m still not happy with it yet.  I believe you are correct.  ”Tremulous laughter” section does to portray so much.  Then my description just went off track a bit.  Don’t think you’re nitpicking, I think you’re correct on the last sections.  So thank you for you input, and now.. the rewrites continue.

“transparency would be bittersweet” is meant to sound like “is floating around like a lost beach ball tossed around on the wind & water.  Never likely to find it’s way”  ”Bittersweet transparency” just doesn’t give off the same meaning trying to be conveyed..but I will be considering things you’ve said. I think you make some valid points on kinds of revisions still needed..so thank you for you input.

You are most welcome.

I reflected on where you live & wondered if you could be using more of the images your location. Just a thought. Or were you born somewhere else & feel an alien in Anchorage? Outside now I can hear the rainbow lorrikeets calling to each other as they feed.

thank you for looking at the 2nd version..& “hopeless” was what I was looking for.  thanks again

thank you, glad to see you understood this, most see this one as too abstract, version 2 explains this one alittle better

I agree with a lot that you have said here…And the way you tell what you are looking for from this helps immensly…This is more about specific patterns in attitudes and behaviors than about actions themselves…so not sure how the “show don’t tell” could apply too much more. Not into the whole free-verse…”yelled in a thunderous tone” or “bubbling undertones increased & became volcanic explosions” sorta stuff…lol  But I’ll see what I can do…like I said I know this does have lots of room for improvement so thanks for the review

“Not into the whole free-verse…”yelled in a thunderous tone” or “bubbling undertones increased & became volcanic explosions” sorta stuff…lol”  

And thank goodness for that!  lol

this one does need work..I agree that it’s flow isn’t just right, & some of the wording does make for some difficulty to understand, thank you for commenting

Thank you for your input…I did try “futility” but I didn’t like it for some reason..I’ll go back & look at it again. “norm?” not sure about what you’re questioning here..I shortened “normal” to the twenty century abreviated word “norm”. I hear myself and others speak, using “norm” more often than not, it actually seemed appropriate with the non-caring “lackadaisical” world being described.  Proper English sometimes loses it’s value as well, it would not be at the top of this persons’ list. General life and living lost its’ value, vocabulary definately wouldn’t matter to someone in this situation.

One other comment…thank you very much, because now I appear to have one who “got this poem” and one who probably didn’t..which leaves me kinda in a 50/50 situation..so I guess it still needa some work.  So I appreciate your time and input.  Thanks

this is a poem about the loss of one’s singular identity in order to try to be what another, (a stronger personality) may want or expect. “scarce appearences when none are about” is exactly what is says…bringing forth “appeareances” rarely or only alone. The other side, that struggles to still exist, when day to day it is hidden or locked away.  ”Dawn delivers constancy” talks about the “sameness, steadiness always  the knowing before the day starts..”Echos enslave life” speaks of the sameness & how it repeats over and over it is a reiteration, a reminder of no change, an “echo” of the constancy.  This type of existance leads to a loss of the love of life, a non-caring, kind or “just going thru the motions existance” this is where the “lackadaisical” comes in and takes hold.  Death is not a character it is the action wished for.  

I thank you for your input, for it makes me see that this may not be very easy for some to read or to comprehend, and therefor probably has some need for adjustments.  Thank you again for reviewing.

Thank you for your explanation, I understand better what you are trying to accomplish. I still think, IMHO, that you need stronger metaphores or images, for ‘appearances’ can mean anything without some grounding. I know of which you write, trust me, but it is not the content, but the sketchiness yet of what you are trying to portray. The self can be a fragile entity, especially if there are either competing voices, or another as you state, who dominates the fragile self. Where does this ‘self’ go when the other comes around? How does this ‘self’ come out when alone and what can she do that she can’t do when she is not alone? This is more what I was trying to get at. I don’t know if this helps at all, the feeling of something profound came through in your poem, but like the ‘self’ you describe, it is somewhat hidden. Sorry if I upset you in anyway.

You never offend me or upset me, your insite is always very helpful, Sorry if how I wrote this sounded like I was upset. Don’t appologize for any of your comments to me, I’ve read a lot of your poetry, and I know there’s much I can learn ..by picking your brain..so thank you for letting me, and for coming back..this second set of comments of your’s gives my right sided brain, alot of creative ideas, for re-writes with this.  Thank you again for all your time and comments, you are very helpful.