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Poetry / Wall Flower
Flora went in for a drink,
planted there by a dare
made to herself.
Her cast clutched the skim-coat
amidst stiletto roses
that cocktailed water
at pedestals for two.
She was parched
and couldn’t speak.
Her dusk was licked
up the wall by wick
sipping flames. Exhalations
disturbed the candles,
shimmied a shady silhouette
of her climbing ankles
and arms in double vision
against the wall. She
gripped it closer
to still her shadow
but it would not
stop quivering a dance
out of her. She grew
in anxiousness.
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September 02, 2006
Deleted User
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Hello,
I read this poem twice and came away still really not knowing what it’s about. I’d rework the staging, sentence structures a bit more. Maybe add more punctuation in order to SHOW the reader when to stop, pause etc with more periods, comma’s etc. But mainly I’d use my technique and that is to close your eyes…imagine the imagery you want to bestow and then write it as clearly as you can.
~D. Marlar
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MadMoney420 reviewed Version 1 -
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You did a good job with the details, The poem differently moved nice throughtout the whole thing. Liked it alot, wouldn’t change a thing….. Good work
PoemsForNight reviewed Version 1 -
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interesting piece. some good imagery. nice work.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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Odd little poem that stretches the metaphore of wall flower even with the name of the woman, Flora, so it seems a bit contrived, even her dare being planted there. Why does she have a cast? It is never explained. What is her dusk? But then the poems starts to hum a little better then ends abruptly. We knew she was anxious from the beginning, the last line doesn’t tell us much. Perhaps lose it and end with the line above it. But I liked it in some way, and would be better if you could lose some of the obvious in the first half, as if it’s trying too hard to be clever.
Suz reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting context. It almost needs more, but then more may take away the ‘grove’ of it.
Nice.
poetic_rx reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked the poem, however i could not understand what was going on. did they young lady walk into a bar and come to a realization that she had no business there? did she walk into a restaurant and have some sort of panic attack? i think that you are very creative and your imagery is superb, but it is just unclear to me. maybe i should read it again and carefully analyze it to really understand what you are trying to say. this poem left me a bit grey, but i’ll give it’s imagery a 9.
a_bittersweet_tragedy reviewed Version 1 -
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This really leaves me hanging. It sounds like it should be pushed together and be lines from a book. I think you are lacking a firm structure in this piece. However, it is very descriptive and paints an amazing picture in the mind. I can actually see ‘Flora’ in my mind and that is a great thing to have in writing. Try and make it into something bigger; because right now, you have the start and obviously the potential, to make something wonderful.
cap10martini reviewed Version 1 -
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Great job true poetry. I’m not sure i understand your line breaks I may need to read it a few times.
danniverse reviewed Version 1 -
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i can see the smoky room and everything else in this. “she gripped it closer to still her shadow…” is a great line.
missusmo reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi there,
Wow! This was a sumptuous reading experience – the whole moment laid out and painted with lovely visuals. This reader, at any rate, derived great enjoyment from this work!
A clever and playful piece, I particularly liked the neatly inserted puns, viz.:-
“cocktailed water”, and “pedestals for two”. Very visual, and nicely executed.
I’m still not absolutely convinced about the final sentence, although the more I read it the more I like it.
Thank you.
Mo
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