hi, it’s a work in progress and i’ve changed some of the words and line breaks but have not posted the revise as of yet, thanks for reading and commenting!
Poetry / The Extent of Lust
Snow streams under acrid flames
burning scrub pine into
blackened lungs on high mountain
reveries of wasted plum dreams
with unacceptable partners in lead
lederhosen who promise
moonbeams then hand out slugs
for the slot machines. Round the fire
ring we dance till we ferment.
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CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
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The imagry is great. However, using the word “lederhosen” puts the poem in jeopardy. When using forign words in poems your running risk, but I recognized it… and it worked much better than “pants” would have. Good job. The analagy between lust and snow being under flame is beautiful.
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brewdog reviewed Version 1 -
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For a short piece it has a lot of energy. Really precise images that mesh well. I stumbled only a couple times (lead/lederhosen and fire/ring) based on the kind of breaks you had earlier established.
I did notice that the second line ending in a preposition might allow a different kind of structure if you carried through, so that it might read more like:
burning scrub pine into
blackened lungs on
high mountain reveries of
wasted plum dreams with…
and so forth. Obviously, not all the lines work like this, but it might be interesting to take a look at it from that perspective.
AuroraFaith reviewed Version 1 -
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very good. its emotional without being too emotional. So 10/10.
Blackwolfems2426 reviewed Version 1 -
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I had a hard time understanding what you were talking about in your writing. At first I thought it may be a fire in the woods of some sort. Then after reading the last few lines it started to sound like a witch burning or an indian pow-wow. an this is the line that made me think that. “Round the fire
ring we dance till we ferment”
galcm reviewed Version 1 -
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The use of enjambment is succesful. Juxtaposed opposites work well. However I find that the continuation from ‘Blackened lungs’ to ‘lead’ works beautifully in terms of style, (having a rolling, momentum effect) but stutters a little in terms of reader comprehension. For me this little ‘stutter’ is caused by the use of ‘reverie’ and ‘dream’ – synonymous words.
Sounds like a negative review, but overall I find the piece very successful (a tautological phrase I know).
daydream_nation reviewed Version 1 -
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just as the title implies exact. the initial strata of the lust circle down into nauseum and fermentation, even cheesiness (?) with the ‘lederhosen’ in L6…
the poem communicates well and i feel it is a superb little piece of work.
BeccathePromoMami reviewed Version 1 -
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This has strong images – and I love the idea about fermentation. I don’t know who’s speaking in this piece, or to whom the “we” refers. The first sentence, which is extremely long, confuses the reader. I can’t garner any clear meaning from it. It’s packed with imagery – and the images you’ve created seem random and disjointed. I think if you focused on the central theme of lust and created related images from that – with a clear speaker – you’ll have a great piece.
libby reviewed Version 1 -
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The language here is beautiful, this poem is very well put-together, and I like the conciseness as well. I adore “promise moonbeams then hand out slugs for the slot machines”. Incredible line. Up until that part though, it was very hard to follow. I’m not sure what it’s getting at, I can’t really picture snow streaming under flames… it sounds like it would be a good image, but for me at least it wasn’t at all effective. The line breaks kind of accentuated the problem for me too. It’s well written enough, though, that you can make the argument that I just don’t know what I’m talking about!
LingoDiva reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent read. Great imagery. Very publishable!
rsman26 reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t know if I understood where you wanted me to go with this piece, lines like moonbeams then hand out slugs
for the slot machines made no sense to me so I just think you need to work on the flow.
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