Very helpful insights, thanks!
Poetry / Release
Release
In a room
filled with shadows
he lies awake,
Reflecting.
Regretting.
Wishing…
If only the past
could be changed.
If only decisions
could be reversed.
Ever so slowly,
bit by bit,
life escapes
from his frail body.
The disease
assailing his mortal form
shows no mercy.
It is no respecter
of persons.
Through the open
window,
the sound of children’s
laughter
can be heard
from the park
across the road.
The soothing balm
of innocent voices
floods his hearing
as he recalls a
more virtuous era.
The timepiece
on the wall
tic,
tic,
tics.
A cruel reminder
that moments
can never
be recovered.
He turns his gaze
from the malevolent
device
and through the
shadows
he sees
a black book
lying on the
bedside table.
His whole existence
he’d believed
that its contents
held nothing but
condemnation.
But, for some reason,
today,
it had called to him,
beckoning him
to take hold.
Hesitating for
what seemed to be
infinity,
he then reaches for it.
Hours later,
his body was found
lying in his bed,
eyes opened and
facing the window;
a slight smile on
his lips.
The book was open,
turned upside down
on his chest –
one hand rested on top.
He’d seen beyond
condemnation
and found a
freedom
that released him
into eternity.
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jmallory reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading this piece. It’s very poignant, visual, and real. I, especially, felt the moment when he hears the children outside and turns to look at the book. It’s as if he’s obviously given up on the mortal world and never considered redemption through religion as salvation. He sees the bible and reaches for that which he ignored in life – taking a chance that salvation won’t evade him.
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September 14, 2006
Deleted User
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Strongly written with emotion and passion and compassion. Lovely
Tealeaf reviewed Version 1 -
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Very moving. There are a few words I’d rework so that it flows better (for instance “reversed” in the first stanza perhaps a different word would flow bette) just my opinion though. Over all though very good. Au revoir
sleepdancer reviewed Version 1 -
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and I can easily see this being published.
BlackSunshine reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this piece but I wanted a little bit more abstract description of this man, or what he was reading. It seems that time is of the essence, so a description of the clock as a negative icon would be good I think. Overall it’s a good one but add a little bit of abstract details and I think it would be even better. Keep it up!
BrookR1 reviewed Version 1 -
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There is a whole lot going on in this poem. If you wanted to, you could seriously make this several pages long. I would have read it too. This goes from past regret to reflection to realization to death. I was unaware that the disease was AIDS until I read your reviewer notes. Which goes into the whole discussion about length vs. amount of detail. You did a good job of trying to balance the two (like with your description of the clock). I would have liked to have learned more about the character, but like I mentioned earlier, that could take pages.
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