Novel Treatments / The Fort (part 2)
Robert Nightengale anxiously watched the clock. He knew exactly when the telephone would ring, yet dreaded every second that passed by. Every night at eight forty-five, he would try to think of something to do, something that could get him out of the house. At nine, though, he would find himself shakily reaching for the phone as the ringing echoed through his apartment. The sound reverberated through his skull, louder and louder, until he could take it no more. He would fight back the tears that accompanied the pain in his head, giving in to the compulsion to answer the call.
This routine had been going on for several weeks now. At first, Robbie had thought that it was somebody playing a joke. But not now. He’d figured that out after the fourth or fifth night. Whoever it was that was calling wasn’t just doing it for fun; it had been going on too long to be a prank anymore.
The caller always said the same thing, or something very close to it. The only time that it was different was four nights ago, when the caller had laughed before disconnecting. Every other time there had been only words, calm and sinister. But that night… that night there had been that laugh… that evil, hate-filled laugh. His knees had buckled and he’d been forced to steady himself by leaning on the kitchen table. He hung up the phone with a trembling hand and sat at the table, fear pulsing through his veins. He sat at the table until he was able to compose himself, which took several minutes. After pouring himself a brandy, he went up to his bedroom, turning on all the lights in the house as he made his way. It was still early, but the terror that came with the phone calls always left him drained. He lay in his bed fully clothed, and cried himself to sleep.
Now, as Robbie awaited the phone call with his eyes fixated on the clock on the wall, his body started to tense. It was nearing nine o’clock, and he found himself counting the seconds as they ticked away. Just as the clock was about to strike nine, he reached across the table and picked up the telephone. He pressed the talk button before the ringing could even begin. Wiping tears away with his free hand, he licked his lips and slowly raised the phone to his ear.
“Please…” he whispered into the phone.
“Not long now, Bobby,” the voice told him through the receiver. “Not long at all.”
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A total hook! You have the reader wondering who Robbie is, what is happening, and give the appearance that we will find out in Robbie’s time, and not a minute before! A very interesting premise thus. It would help if we knew what the house looked like, and along with the emotions Robbie was feeling what he was doing with himself, like pacing, picking up objects, sweating, and even better, wondering and coming up with possibilities about who this could be. This was my first read, hadn’t read the first part, but I found it very enjoyable!
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November 02, 2006
Deleted User
how about: “Then, every night at nine, he would find himself shakely picking up the ringing phone.” then, “The sound… etc.”
“this routine had been…” falls too quickly back into detachment. something like “It had been three weeks of the same thing…”?
“but, not now. After the fourth week, he’s figured out…”
“evil, hate filled” coming in so abruptly is totally unnecessary, if you build it out calmly in the paragraph. “But, that night there’d been a laugh, and it sounded more evil to him than anything he’d ever heard. Evil and hate filled, and…etc.”
this dialog isn’t so bad though, and i think if you were reading it out loud, like a radio drama from the 40’s, you might find the rhythm.
TOO DAMN SHORT! I want more! Excellent work, my friend. Your way with detail is excellent as usual. You hooked me big time. Can’t wait for more-B
I love the opening. I am with the character immediately. I understand his wish to avoid the call but the compulsion to answer. I want to know immediately what will happen. Clear description and interesting character drawn with few words. Excellent.
September 19, 2006
Deleted User
Very intriguing, I love it. You have built the suspense up well. Your narrative flows well and the little dialogue that there is fits it nicely. Great description of the scene. I can’t wait to read more.
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