I’ll fight you sucka
Short Story / Multi-Media Mess (working title)
It was a road that no one would drive down, full of pot holes and junkyard rejects. The sun was permenantly pasted in one low corner of the sky and the moon in the other. The homes are empty, dingy suburban apartments and rattly shacks full of debris. From time to time a daring pedestrian might wander down this road. Here, past the upside down ‘Dead End’ sign and the decaying, crooked tooth fence, is my soul. Fertilized in a pulsing nucleus that exists in my core.
It can often be hard for me to say who I am. Hard for me not to coat honesty with irony. More sides than a coin to flip. Painted abstractly. A strangley acclaimed, commonly criticized, multi-media mess…
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KK reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m intrigued. I liked the opening description, and with what little I’ve read, you seem to have a good narrative voice. Although, the second paragraph did jar me a bit. Good luck with this piece!
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PhoebeRaven reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh, I can so relate to what you are saying here! You have to elaborate on this, I want to read more and see if you can find words for things in my head I haven’t been able to get out.
Awesome imagery with the road no one travels leading to where your soul lives. I am a sucker for metaphors and imagery that is inventive and you certainly are that.
Keep writing, this hints at greatness hidden somewhere!
Cavol reviewed Version 1 -
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Here, past the upside down ‘Dead End’ sign and the decaying, crooked tooth fence, is my soul. Fertilized in a pulsing nucleus that exists in my core.
I didn’t like that bit at all. Are you familiar with emo poetry? That’s exactly what it reminded me of. You might as well have said, “life is a dark abyss of nothingness, sorrow and abysmal blackholes.”
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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If something is not complete, how can we possible review it with any accuracy?
Check your spelling. Your prose is poetic but not done too well… check your word choices.
How does the narrator know all this about the road? Make him/her more credible.
Please post more complete pieces… I can’t really give you more than this without more.
TLBodine reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice; I love the imagery--the way you’ve chosen details very carefully to provide an exact and powerful picture without sacrificing wordcount on extraneous information, and the overall effect. That this is a metaphorical road comes as no surprise, despite the vividness of the description; it has a feeling of familiarity to it, a hyper-reality that lends itself well to the ensuing metaphor. Your transition is very smooth, and I especially like the line about coating honesty with irony--that’s an event that happens constantly yet somehow people never seem self-aware of, and it’s well-said. In just a little over a hundred words, I feel like I know the kind of person this narrator is, and I want to get to know him better.
So, I’m in for the ride—I now want to see where this road is going to take me.
The only criticism I have so far is that you jump tenses a bit. For this, I think present tense would be more effective—the narrative feels as though it keeps trying to slip into it, and I’d give in to that urge. Otherwise, a very nice intro.
juststeve reviewed Version 1 -
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Good begining. A lousy, trash-filled road is a good place to start a story. Good description of the trash, too. I especially like the pasted-on sun and moon image.
Couple of things I noticed. There are some past tense-present tense switching happening here. I’d choose one tense and stick with that. Since you are describing this road as an aspect of you, it sounds like the present tense is the right one.
I think you could make the first sentence stronger. The second part is stronger than the first part. Consider, perhaps, something like…”It’s a brutal road, full of pot holes an junkyard rejects.” Something like that.
Good luck with this story.
Brunny reviewed Version 1 -
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The idea has potentialbut I think you changed your concept halfway through, started descriing a real road and tried to convert it to be the character ? or did I loose the plot
The last sentance is just a jumble of expressions which don’t really work together. eg what is strangely acclaimed, why is it critised.
Remember the reader when you writing !
Good luck keep going
sarcasmik reviewed Version 1 -
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First I have to say this or I will get too into my review and forget to tell you.. Check your tenses! You jump back and forth between present and past tenses.
This is (obviously) a very descriptive piece. I think you did very good at giving the reader alot to picture and think about, without making it too wordy or confusing.
I love the bit about the sun pasted in one low corner of the sky and the moon in the other. It makes the whole thing seem other-wordly, and brings it all to a new level.
I also liked the upside down ‘Dead End’ sign. Again, it was such a simple image, but it speaks volumes to the reader about where they are supposed to be.
My only real criticism here is about the last sentence of the first paragraph. It feels very awkward. The image isn’t very clear, and I actually had to stop and try to figure out what you were showing me there. It detracted my attention from the rest of the piece, which is a shame because I really liked it.
fourtwenz reviewed Version 1 -
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im not experienced enough to add support, it seemed fine to me :0
flashemolecule reviewed Version 1 -
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Check your usage of past/present tenses, and check your spelling issues (permanently, not permenantly).
And to come straight to the point, the imagery you offer makes one take a step back. It needs work, but one hell of a start for this celebrity of broken dreams and hollowed-out ideals.
The only thing I can see at this point is to study each sentence and make sure its saying what you want it to. I found in starting pieces, if you separate the sentences from one another, a completely different picture rises to the surface. The focus can change too. Good writing.
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