Poetry / 15 years old

The sweetest yes my heart skipped some pulses,
horses raced through the veins to my eyes,
sporadic images of lips, processed kisses, feel, enjoy, repeat…Despise.

Disguise the laughter with open eyes transfixed in mine I saw some lies
They paralyze oh even deeper,
If I cannot find her amidst the fields then how am I my lover’s keeper?

I fell for weeks inside a chasm of broken glass orgasmic pain
Stained my sweater it kept getting wetter with every shard that kissed my skin.

But I don’t scream I stand true to pride, my heart isn’t broken it’s in denial
and if I could I would steal her smile, to glimpse on these rainy days.

Leaves etched a sad story,
from the tree I sat below,
and caught the rain in my mouth and eyes for reasons I do not know.

Thought…waves…empty graves her voice did call from far away
Turn around….scream….blade….gleam….Stabbed her name into the tree
Sap poured out if blood it would hurt,
Steel ripping into the center of birth
Delight….Sleep…Voices….dreams…
Sporadic images of lips…Dead fingers grip….She was less to me than it seems.

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Reviews

October 04, 2006

EvnSuicideAgrees

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
167	66.0% (53 votes)	42.4%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
25	M	Jacksonville, FL	May 17

EvnSuicideAgrees reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

An Awsome piece… Im definietly going to be adding this too my favorites list!!
This last line really gave me chills!!

Sporadic images of lips…Dead fingers grip….She was less to me than it seems.

Sweet stuff I look forwarded to reading more!!

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November 16, 2005

aphelion

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
7	100.0% (4 votes)	60.0%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24			March 17

aphelion reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

You have several strong lines here. I particularly like the line that states “Stained my sweater it kept getting wetter with every shard that kissed my skin” – there is a very nice rhythm to your words here, almost musical. Your ending is also quite strong. The image of dead fingers gripping is rather powerful and is a good way to close off the piece.

At the same time, however, some of the metaphors are unclear to me. I’m a little confused by the horses that “raced through the veins” to your eyes. I think there are some lines that could benefit from some punctuation or added words; “Sap poured out if blood it would hurt” for example. Overall, this is a good poem considering your age when you wrote it.

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
40	70.6% (17 votes)	26.6%

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23	M	Pentwater, MI	August 11

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
7	100.0% (4 votes)	60.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24			March 17

November 13, 2005

heavensent5

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
73	85.2% (27 votes)	34.7%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	F	Mckinney, TX	April 15

heavensent5 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I really like this! I like the beat and rhythm to it as I read it. I like the strong emotions and the resolution of the heartbreak at the end; he recovers. The imagery is strong and vivid, very mature. I’ll be looking for more of your work!

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November 13, 2005

Deleted User

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote )

Review of Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

this is a disturbing work for a 15 year old. the author seems more mature. the writting is excellent. it’s very vivid and dark. It’s one of those works you hate to say you love if you know what I mean. a “natural born killer” kinda thing. awesome read.