Lyrics / Smoke

this is good and to the point. that you want someone and though youre not sure if they want you too, you still cant give up. its very relatable. and i like how its like, you stare at the smoke and think one thing, then glance at it and think another. that can happen. its like things change while you change, i guess. one thing i had a problem with was the second to last paragraph thing, where you used the word “pain” 3 times. and there were only 4 lines. i found that funny, but also not that good of a thing. i think when you wrote “this pain is cause of you”, i think thats an obvious line. like, what else would cause the pain. idk, maybe you should use a different word other than pain. but other than that its cool. awsome job. i know i couldnt do better.

Ok… well, I would say it is a good start. I am considering you are 13 so I won’t be to harsh. It is pretty good for a 13 year old. Although, love isn’t nearly as complicated at that age, I can see where you were going with it. I don’t know if this could be put into a song because the lyrics seem to rhyme at odd places. But then again, you can never tell because there could always be some way. I like how you initiated the scenerio of looking through the smoke and going on from there. I also like the ending chorus/bridge resolving it. Good effort. Now it would be nice to see you add on and change things now that you have matured.

“What am I suppose to do
Im lost and its because of you
You say one thing and then another
And I Dont Want Any Other”

That is just a great verse. The best line in the song. I liked it because it’s rock. (Correct me if I’m wrong) I’d like to hear that to music…Neil…AKA…Neil

Doesn’t sound like it was written by someone so young – everyone feels this way sooner or later- excellent description.

oh it’s really nice. It has a really nice flow to things and it’s not repetitive. I so glad it’s not repetitive. I think it could actually be a really good song. But remember the music behind the song and how it is sang is the other half of the song. If you really work on the guitar work I think it will be great. Shoot for it. You’ll make it sound great if you really believe that you can

i really enjoy this. it reminds me of what its like to be heartbroken at that time in life. i wasn’t 13 that long ago, so its nostalgic, but not in the “back in the day” sense.

I really liked the lyrics though I thought they could use more imagery than smoke like describing how someone’s image can be like smoke, transparent when near visible from afar. I thought it was a very good description of your feelings though. Keep writing! you’ll get closer to that book than you think.

You may be only 13, but you have a sophisticated style. I really liked this. The uncertainty and confusion comes through  strong. It reads like someting just about any of us have felt at one time. Do you see this set to music (it was in the lyrics section, after all)? I recommend you find a good musician/song writer, or maybe submit this to a stock agency.

Again; Great job! You’ve got talent, keep using it.

That was good. I am impressed; writing lyrics isn’t that easy, and your age only makes it even more impressive. Just a small tip, however: In the last line, it probably would have been better to use ‘shall’ instead of ‘shalt.’ Also, it’s supposed to be I’m. [Sorry, grammar is a pet-peeve]You also might try a different analogy in line 23; safer than the safest person…could be a little better. Keep in mind I did enjoy reading this, though!—

Not bad. I like it because it rhymes, I’ve found many lyrics that dont. and I can understand what you are trying to say and i definitely know the feeling. the only thing I would change is to make it a little less simple, unless that is what you are going for.