Lyrics / Smoke

Ok. Why is there smoke? Is something burning? Are you on fire? Are you smoking? What? If you want to reference smoke we need to know why.

You’re 13. That’s great. Keep on writing, keep trying. I would recommend you try to take some literary classes through your school or perhaps local college summer classes geared toward young adults. You will learn a lot and improve.

Don’t let rhyme tell you what to say. Say what you mean.
Thing is, in this song, you don’t really say anything. There has to be a point. All I get from this is “I want you, you don’t want me” and that’s not enough. Show me how you feel with your words, don’t tell me. Use lauguage to tell me whats in your mind/heart whatever.

Keep trying, you have potential. Good job!

Love, love.

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April 19, 2007

by Kels66

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16	F	Clovis, CA	May 21

so very true especially if u have so much smoke the cops might think ur hotboxing ur house

April 19, 2007

by tia_logic

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27	F	United States	October 18

I agree, it’s hard to see if your face is full of smoke. Your eyes water, you cough, you try to get away from it (and confusion :D ) Just work with it. Go Team You.

April 19, 2007

by Kels66

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962	65.7% (137 votes)	25.2%

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16	F	Clovis, CA	May 21

honestly the way i came up with the metaphore and the  beggining for the song was while playing with a smoke machne but i always found it to be a great metaphore for confusion and all

April 19, 2007

by tia_logic

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27	F	United States	October 18

Well.. smoke is kind of an awkward way to show confusion. If you want to make that distinction, you need to find a way to show the reader (listener, if we’re singing) this metaphor. See, the thing is you keep ‘glancing through’ the smoke and watching it. Its never explained that you feel it is inside you, blinding you. We never see the image that it is actually obscuring your view or your thoughts. You just look at it a lot. Does that make sense?

April 18, 2007

by Kels66

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
962	65.7% (137 votes)	25.2%

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16	F	Clovis, CA	May 21

Aww you didn’t understand the smoke? It is a metaphore for what is going through my head, that i am confused and my mind is clouded. That is all it shows that i don’t understand everything going on around me.

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You have a good, clear emotional voice, and the “smoke” image is a very strong visual image.  You portray a relationship as something hard to see, something obscured by the shifting, hard to define feeling, as though seen through smoke.  Very well done.

As for the rest of the lyrics, they just didn’t grab me.  The images you use in the rest of the song are just over-used.  The line, “I want you with all my heart,” has the right emotion, I’ve just heard it over and over through a thousand trite and emotionally flat songs.  These sort of images have been used so much that they just lose their impact and become flat.

I think you’ll have a good song here if you can just go through the lyrics again and try and use words that grab the reader/listener.  Start with the “smoke” image and try and make the rest of the song strong enough to match it.

Really interesting that you wrote this at 13. Its good.

wow…speechless. i feel every emotion in this.the utter hopelessness of loving and not being loved in return and the total haze through whichwe wander.
“I want you with all my heart
But in reality
You dont want me

What am I suppose to do
Im lost and its because of you
You say one thing and then another
And I Dont Want Any Other”...
this must be the most true statement ever, it always happens that way. i actually felt tears in my eyes!
perfect as is my dear. Xx

Your lyric is definitely heartfelt and punched me in the face, I’ve felt this way about a particular person many a times. You capture the desperation of the episode exquisitely.

“I feel safer then the safest person” I love this line, so much. It’s just so… perfect to being in love.

Being stuck in one sided love is never easy, this lyric is a reminder of that.

I like the rhyme pattern, but it sometimes feels choppy, but I am only reading it on the screen, if this is put into a song, it would be beautiful. I can imagine it.  

I really love this though because I can see your thought process through it; that makes the best lyrics and poems and writing, especially when it’s main goal is to produce an emotion.

“Its driving me insane
Putting me through pain
This pain is caused by you” Perfect example of your pureness in this piece.

“My heart shalt not give up” I also like how it is an anthem of your love.

Good luck with it, my friend.  

yeah considering your age its not too bad I guess i amnot sure if you are a natural writer though. Ther eis a lack of consistency in your words too.

Sorry but its not that bad try another one

I love the topic and the metephorical way you use smoke.  The topic is great.  Maybe have ryming words with less you do said bed head.  Use words with a little more substenance, more than one constanant.  Overall it had a very sweet overature.  thanx

Very good for a thirteen year old.
It had this dramatic, sweet romance to it as the character (storyteller of the piece) was love sick, and in yearning for the person they are writing it about.
However, I think you could change the title, ‘Smoke’ gave it a very eerie sort of feel to the song.
But on the other hand I think I loved it.
I believe you have great potential, keep up the good work and keep writing.

Sometimes I think it is important for people to remember the age of the writer, especially when they are young. However, I don’t feel that is the case here. Yes you are 13, yet, in my opinion, your writing has far exceeded that of many who have been writing longer than you have been alive. Don’t underestimate yourself by using your age as an excuse that you don’t need. Your writing is quite good.

I definately had a wonderful picture in my head. One full of passion and love that seemed to have been betrayed. It felt as though the narrator is trying to convey his/her pain to the other person. Not to hurt them, but for them to understand what the narrator is going through. The ending lines, I think are the most powerful, “Smokey as it is My heart shalt not give up” (I am not sure if it is suppoosed to be “shall”, which would flow nicer), however, I love what you are portraying here. I think it is something that many have felt, and continue to feel. The only real suggestion that I have is to rethink the last line in the second to the last stanza. I understand what you are trying to say, yet somehow, the way it is written doesn’t quite fit. I have that happen sometimes where you have what you want to say, yet you can’t make it fit. It is like the words are dancing at the tip of your tongue and you can’t quite find them. Keep it up, they will come to you. I think you did a wonderful job. Sorry for taking so long.

Thats really nice, what made you choose these lyrics? what song is it? this whole thing reminds me of how i still feel sometimes when im around this girl i know, i feel like i cant get to her and even though sometimes it feels impossible i still try to get close to her. i love it when songs can take you away to somewhere and this song deffinatly does that, good choice of lyrics.