Lyrics / Smoke

I think lyrics are kind of a hard thing to critique becuase you can’t tell how they’ll be out loud.  The rhyming is good.  I thought some parts were a little repetitive, more than just would normally be in a song.  I thought it was a very good theme and you presented it well.  Love’s desperation was clearly shown.  However, I thought some lines were a little long to make it sound smooth.  Overall it was fairly well done.  Good job on it.  

One more thing, I wouldn’t say to keep in mind that you’re only thirteen,  because that might prevent people from telling you the negatives on your writing, which is basically why Urbis exists.  It’s ok to show your age and not lie about it, but to put it out there as something of an excuse doesn’t really make sense if you want to hear what you need to workd on.  People will still give you positives along with the negatives no matter what.  

You seem like you’ve got some potential in writing, keep working at it and I wish you the best.  

very nice piece
it displays alot of emotion and many perspectives of your involvement i think it’s rather brave to put youself out there like that!like your need for security.

“Its driving me insane
Putting me through pain
This pain is caused by you
And this haze in my eyes is from the pain

nice stanza even though the rhyme scheme is weak

“As I stare at the smoke tonight
I know its right
I want you
And I know its true”

this refrain is very telling to me
after reading the poem completely.
it seems to show in some case your
state of denial!

”
“Everyday Im with you
I feel like Im a better person
Everyday Im near you
I feel safer then the safest person”

i like how this line seems to say
“you complete me”and
your desire for security
are you a female?

anyways i’m impressed.please keep up the good work!

Its really simple, which I am not complaining I like simple, I think you should put a little more thought into it and you’ll get what you want- a great song.

The use of smoke as a metaphor to clouded feelings was very good.
I feel you could describe why this person does not like you better.
Maybe enhance it with improved grammar such as the line you us.
“Maybe I should just deal” end this with “it”. And somewhere describe what “it” really is! Over all I like the innocence and down to earth feeling of the song.

Ok. Why is there smoke? Is something burning? Are you on fire? Are you smoking? What? If you want to reference smoke we need to know why.

You’re 13. That’s great. Keep on writing, keep trying. I would recommend you try to take some literary classes through your school or perhaps local college summer classes geared toward young adults. You will learn a lot and improve.

Don’t let rhyme tell you what to say. Say what you mean.
Thing is, in this song, you don’t really say anything. There has to be a point. All I get from this is “I want you, you don’t want me” and that’s not enough. Show me how you feel with your words, don’t tell me. Use lauguage to tell me whats in your mind/heart whatever.

Keep trying, you have potential. Good job!

Love, love.

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April 18, 2007

by Kels66

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
962	65.7% (137 votes)	25.2%

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16	F	Clovis, CA	May 21

Aww you didn’t understand the smoke? It is a metaphore for what is going through my head, that i am confused and my mind is clouded. That is all it shows that i don’t understand everything going on around me.

April 19, 2007

by tia_logic

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27	F	United States	October 18

Well.. smoke is kind of an awkward way to show confusion. If you want to make that distinction, you need to find a way to show the reader (listener, if we’re singing) this metaphor. See, the thing is you keep ‘glancing through’ the smoke and watching it. Its never explained that you feel it is inside you, blinding you. We never see the image that it is actually obscuring your view or your thoughts. You just look at it a lot. Does that make sense?

April 19, 2007

by Kels66

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962	65.7% (137 votes)	25.2%

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16	F	Clovis, CA	May 21

honestly the way i came up with the metaphore and the  beggining for the song was while playing with a smoke machne but i always found it to be a great metaphore for confusion and all

April 19, 2007

by tia_logic

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27	F	United States	October 18

I agree, it’s hard to see if your face is full of smoke. Your eyes water, you cough, you try to get away from it (and confusion :D ) Just work with it. Go Team You.

April 19, 2007

by Kels66

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
962	65.7% (137 votes)	25.2%

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16	F	Clovis, CA	May 21

so very true especially if u have so much smoke the cops might think ur hotboxing ur house

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Ok… well, I would say it is a good start. I am considering you are 13 so I won’t be to harsh. It is pretty good for a 13 year old. Although, love isn’t nearly as complicated at that age, I can see where you were going with it. I don’t know if this could be put into a song because the lyrics seem to rhyme at odd places. But then again, you can never tell because there could always be some way. I like how you initiated the scenerio of looking through the smoke and going on from there. I also like the ending chorus/bridge resolving it. Good effort. Now it would be nice to see you add on and change things now that you have matured.

yeah considering your age its not too bad I guess i amnot sure if you are a natural writer though. Ther eis a lack of consistency in your words too.

Sorry but its not that bad try another one

You may be only 13, but you have a sophisticated style. I really liked this. The uncertainty and confusion comes through  strong. It reads like someting just about any of us have felt at one time. Do you see this set to music (it was in the lyrics section, after all)? I recommend you find a good musician/song writer, or maybe submit this to a stock agency.

Again; Great job! You’ve got talent, keep using it.

That was good. I am impressed; writing lyrics isn’t that easy, and your age only makes it even more impressive. Just a small tip, however: In the last line, it probably would have been better to use ‘shall’ instead of ‘shalt.’ Also, it’s supposed to be I’m. [Sorry, grammar is a pet-peeve]You also might try a different analogy in line 23; safer than the safest person…could be a little better. Keep in mind I did enjoy reading this, though!—

Not bad. I like it because it rhymes, I’ve found many lyrics that dont. and I can understand what you are trying to say and i definitely know the feeling. the only thing I would change is to make it a little less simple, unless that is what you are going for.