Lyrics / Smoke

like the idea of smoke. Why not get some more imagery in there that hint at smoke and it’s nature?

I’d try to incorporate that idea more into your verbs. take out stock phrases like “driving me insane” and “I want you with all of my heart” and replace with fresh ideas

Well I like the smoke idea of the song, but the last stanza
“So now I welcome you
To my world
Smokey as it is
My heart shalt not give up”
I thought really didnt have a place in the song. I also noticed that your trying to go for more of a rhyming approach and I think that you could find better words because the diction is a little basic. I think that if you mixed it up a little more then it would be better, also make your lines a little more complete. I think it has great potential, it just needs a little work.

I really like this! It’s easy to relate to and has great fluency.

This has a very hallucigenic feel to it I thought, or perhaps the smoke is just a metaphor to her hindering and confusion, unable to tell that person how she feels.
maybe it’s both?
i enjoyed it nonetheless.

I like it, it is hard to really hear the passion and the depth without hearing the ‘sound’ and rythem that it was written to

Okay, I liked it, confusing love, everyones been there. I think it could have flowed better, but I really liked the message behind it. Keep writing and keep up the good work. Very cool.

For the most part I think it would work well as a song. You’re to choruses are further apart than most, but it should create too many problems. I’m assuming that you had a melody in your head while writing this, but I’ll say (as a percussionist) that this stanza doesn’t seem to flow as rhythmicly as the rest.

“Its driving me insane
Putting me through pain
This pain is caused by you
And this haze in my eyes is from the pain’

but again I don’t know what’s in your head, I’d have to actually hear it as a song to make valid judgement.

Eh, I think this needs work.  It gets a little wishy washy towards the end – she’s too good for you, you’ll just stay with the smoke, but then you are inviting her to join you in the smoke world . . .isn’t that just dragging her down into a world that might work for you but won’t for her?  Honestly a song comes from the heart and soul, so it’s really hard to critique them.  I just tend to despise male singers singing feel sorry for me songs.  There’s way too many of those.  Change the tone here, that it’s her loss, you know what I mean?  Unless of course the raging music behind these lyrics makes up for the overall sadness invoked by the words, then you might be okay.

Not a bad effort at the age of sixteen. The word choice is very fragile and relatable. However, there were a few confusing moments. What is the significance of the title, “Smoke?” Why do you feel safer than the safest person? What is driving you insane? What are the lies? Use solid imagery rather than the abtract to connect to the reader. Take out the misplaced “shalt” at the end!

Overall your piece is fantastic!  I love the image of watching the person you love through smoke, making it an illusion that the smoke might be playing on the listener/reader.  The smoke also is, in my oppinion being compared to the person being spoken about, smoke is brought into your lungs for a moment as a high, that brings warmth, but the smoke (love) won’t stay, so the person cannot have his love.  I also get the feeling that the second and third to the last stanza may be a bridge, it helped me to try and sing the lyrics.  xD  Stanza 3 is awesome, the image of a heart in knots is great making the reader feel nervous or confused, a great new way to emphasize that.  You create a very smokey environment.  Great Job.