this story is not a metaphor. its an unhappy story about happiness. what would you call it if not a short story so that i can post it properly ?
Short Story / Happiness
Happiness
When I awake in the morning and witness the miracle that is dawn, that rebirth of light, that amazing reincarnation of life, I feel fortunate that I can see: the blue sky and the fluffy white clouds that float overhead, creating most amazing designs that speak to me in a language only my heart can understand; the green, fresh cut, spring grass, whose bright colors and overwhelming smell is enough to make me fall into a euphoric state of unconsciousness that I can only be awakened from by the gentle breeze that covers me with its cool, refreshing kisses; the splashing of the clear blue waves on the rocks that send little salty droplets flying in my face and the sound of the birds in the trees singing songs that bring everything around me into perfect balance and harmony. When I wake in the morning I feel truly happy.
I feel this happiness seethe in my chest and spread all over my body as a rainbow of intoxicating emotions whose fiery, cheerful tongues burn my insides. I feel these waves racing through me, reaching my extremities and filling them with life. My fingertips. My toes. My brain. My penis.
My senses are heightened.
Alas my body is not nearly enough to contain all this happiness. I am overwhelmed. I am over-saturated. I begin to project some of that inner happiness. My body gets covered with hundreds of painful smiles whose grins widen and dilate. Sticky and moist, happiness begins to leave my body, slowly oozing through the snickering smiles, revealing its brownish-green beauty, increasing in diameter and deepening in color. I feel the happiness moving up my esophagus as it begins pouring out of my mouth. My urethra tinkles as happiness pusses out and runs down my leg. A few viscous teardrops of this absolute happiness squeeze in between my eyelashes and roll down my cheeks, leaving green trails that glisten in the sun. Small, slimy puddles begin to form at my feet.
I share my happiness with the entire world.
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zariasmind reviewed Version 1 -
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K_J_White reviewed Version 1 -
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ahjmaria reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it. Obviously its not much but it could be. Anyway good luck.
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tunesalute reviewed Version 1 -
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doug reviewed Version 1 -
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Happines is a fine emotion indeed. I am not sure that this is really a short story, but I like it. I wish there was more metaphor.
September 26, 2006
Deleted User
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Not to bad. The structure looks pretty good and I don’t see that many problems grammar wise. In the first few sentences you use words like miracle, rebirth, and reincarnation. These words have a lot of religious undertones and you might want to replace them since we are ultimately talking about an orgasm. I would also suggest changing the word penis in the second paragraph. Maybe try crotch, or even dick, even though it sounds a little porno. I’m not totally sure what you were pointing towards or what the overarching idea was but not bad. And was the title a joke? Like hapPENIS? Good job.
cursorblock reviewed Version 1 -
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At first I thought this was just a nice little idea about happiness but about halfway through realized that there is definately more than just what’s on the surface here. Good job with that.
It does read more like prose than a story even though it’s laid out in story form.
Nice imagery throughout and good balance between the surface happiness at the beginning and the deeper happiness at the end.
Doogy_Rev_Brothers reviewed Version 1 -
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Very surreal, I liked the concept although I think you could lose the ‘happy penis’ bit, it just sounds a little daft in comparison to the rest of it.
Good clever stuff, I enjoy reading stuff on here that is written by people who see things a little differently and who dare to be different.
Brunny reviewed Version 1 -
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It started off quite well, not totally captivating but good.
You lost me when you brought a penis into the equation, somehow it didn’t belong.
The last paragraph is far from happy, in fact it spoils much of the setup in the first part. I think something is missing that will perhaps explain the full extent of this persons so called happiness.
fourtwenz reviewed Version 1 -
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well written touching piece
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