Poetry / Breath!
A stutter, A ripple in the atmosphere. That strand of cloud that blocks the sun only to betray the shade it hastily made over your tired and trodden form. I love dreams and the explainations behind them. I like the soul. The new and the old, scent and memory combined, folded, from the embers my forefathers created an ash nation, smudging grins on the later generation. It was a painting deceiving in nature, beautiful to the uneducated and desired heavily by the guilty minds of my peers. My fear is….A piece of myself was cut out and held over the fire filling their pens with hateful words never retiring til the sun comes up and there is no fear of dying…And that’s when I saw that smile. Lined up with the rest, worse for wear in this test of strength, and hair is a must for the decision in waiting, but fate, only explainable after an event that takes place leaves me wondering until this day. What if tomorrow felt like sleeping in? Is this fiction an idea or past life in the stars? sleepless or not it found a place in my heart, parting with the past creates a friend that gets vindictive, and makes me forget where I stand in a first come first serve proposition, if facing it is that which has to be done, then you’ll find me cuddling with tomorrow breaking windows and pulling the blinds down, Because I don’t want the sky, nor the trees or the ground, my soul shifts to lead so with both feet breaking now I say, I would trade my life for your death my soul for your breath, my heart on your chest paints a solid point, it’s never beat like that before. Something more than less insisting to choose the greatest time possible, inaudible whisper, transpired by a word and spread through the blisters of minute, of hour, of fortune and power, of meekness and wild powder fights in the snow from the clouds, take a deep breath. See that death, is only the dip into a never identifiable beginning, with an end that reincarnation sparks life and ideas from, as with any pond the breeding of anything starts with an atom which builds a new colony forever ants will keep crawling building hills out of sand and taking my harsh judgement for their actions. After all, how could something so small with no religion make it into the ocean of souls..Heaven?! Honestly I’ve had better! Oh to crush it and dispose like the many stories told in the letters I wrote you but threw away, Some say these days not the question of faith is the only thing left to blame. Imagine a sand sweeping beach with lights I saw Parades! I saw eyes that saw mine a smile pushed to the side, a nod to seal my greatest fear those lips just might not be clean. Anymore.. Like a tour into the darkness where the moon hides behind the sattelites, rocks, pretty faces seek a new life to lead and though it seems to make quite a few beings happy, we fall short with the flag of unfaithfulness tucked away in our bones. There is no home for the wanderer roaming to love and lose, to pick and choose, The sun will rise over their heads and locked arms, Smile, say that the love is strong, kiss a stranger in the dark, and hide the evidence in the park, lose a friend then think about the inevitable, my solice lies in the fact that even though they prove to show ambition, in the end it’s not his secret kisses, but the fact we all die is incredible. The promiscuous nature of the immature is to SCREAM LOVE into the rushes, I know what love is, She always fainted and crept away in it’s presence.
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I must begin by admitting I am no expert on the Prose Poem form. In fact, my first inclination on seeing this piece was to click the “skip it” button. For many of us accustomed to verse in traditional meters or even free verse, a prose poem can be disarming. You lose all your familiar landmarks. However, as I began to read this one, I decided to stick with it. Right away, I saw several strengths that attracted me.
First, there is the underlying theme reflected in the title. The poem considers breath on several levels, from the quiet “ripple” at the beginning to the jolting “scream” at the end. Throughout the poem there are also mentions of “soul” which in many languages (like the Greek “pneuma”) is a synonym for “breath.”
Another unifying aspect is that the poem seems to “capture a moment” (to use a cliché) and relates the narrator’s “stream of consciousness” (to use another).
Looking then at the details, there are some strong palpable images, such as ”...then you’ll find me cuddling with tomorrow breaking windows and pulling the blinds down,...”
Also, there are some truly profound thoughts, such as ”...death, is only the dip into a never identifiable beginning,...”
I liked the occasional use of rhyming parallels, enough to make a point without getting overbearing: “my life for your death my soul for your breath”, “of minute, of hour, of fortune and power”, “to love and lose, to pick and choose”, “kiss a stranger in the dark, and hide the evidence in the park”.
Now for the nit-picks:
I found this line bothersome: “in the end it’s not his secret kisses, but the fact we all die [that] is incredible.” The juxtaposition of secret kisses against universal death seems too extreme.
There is no excuse for submitting a work like this without at least running it through a spell-checker. Misspellings like “explainations”, “sattelites” and “solice” are inevitably distracting. Also, watch those pesky apostrophes. In my book, ”’til” should have one, but the possessive “its” at the very end definitely should not!
Some of the choices in punctuation and capitalization I find baffling: Why are “Because”, “Smile” and “She” capitalized when they come after commas? Why is there a comma in “death, is only”.
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You don’t make things easy for your reader. The solid block of text is a bit intimidating and it is packed with dense imagery. I wasn’t sure at first that it wasn’t just a stream of gibberish but after reading it a few times I find that it speaks to me. I am still not sure about the opening section but the middle pulled me in and I like the rhythm that develops. Love and Death are the big issues and you give us something to think about here. I would like to come back to this again sometime.
Again I really love your imagery in this piece, you really did a splendid time in showing it here. Also I feel the realism in your poetry and that also really attracts me to this piece. Great stuff Keep it UP!!
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