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Novel Treatments / A Mistaken Case - Introduction
One of these people will die today
Amy occupies the left corner seat of the carriage, her luminous white earphone cord striking against her perfectly tanned skin. At a very petite eighteen, Amy would not want the world to know what it was Beethoven tickled, despite being dead for a good number of years his wicked charms still had potency. She regularly felt let down by the 3 minute rushed affairs and much preferred a guy that knew how to make things last even if he were a little old.
After ten minutes of his 5th piano concerto, with her state of sensitivity very much heightened, Amy watched Geoff join the carriage and sit directly opposite. A stranger to her, his dress sense enough to limit further interest, scanning the other occupants of the entrance foyer seats, she resumed her passive stance and rejoined the lover in her head.
As Geoff settled his laptop case between his legs and rested his jacket on his lap, he nervously reviewed his fellow travelers. Despite making the same trip home everyday, at the same time, in the same carriage he rarely encountered the same people. He worked in the city of routine where everyone religiously sought consistency and reliability, sitting in the entrance compartment every day was one of his little rebellions.
His first impression of Amy as the stereotypical beautiful teenager, dressed in a short multi coloured skirt and tight top revealing plenty but still enough to be imagined. Her modern phone no doubt filling her ears with some highly-strung emotional spunk or spunkette, singing of casual sex, flirtations with romance and other such idealistic nonsense. He always tried to remember what year the backend hiss of earphones disappeared, a quiet achievement for the passive listener.
This girl would appear in many guys dreams half his age, she was the scary daughter most parents would still be proud of. The sort of person he avoided wherever possible, he didn’t need the drama.
Next to Amy sat Jamieson, Geoff couldn’t know that Jamieson went to the same school as he, played rugby for the same first grade team and was the Dux of his year just like Geoff. However, Jamieson achieved this feat 10 years after Geoff, this amazing combination of skill, talent and politics had helped him achieve little since. His upper middle class accent and high fluting name always gave the job centre staff a giggle, but since university he hadn’t worked a single day in paid employment.
Jamieson was on his fortnightly big adventure, dressed in his best outfit, a collection from the ‘Professional Him’ range of 1998, he was travelling on his free day pass courtesy of the Government. Having completed his employment diary interview at 9am, his challenge was to pass through every metro station and get home before his ticket expired at midnight..
Being unemployed wasn’t so hard, living alone in a shared house was bearable but not having a girl to share his endless romantic thoughts was at best soul destroying. Once describing himself as a manic romantic he often wondered if he would ever again have a girl, like the pretty thing next to him, to pamper and call his own little sweetheart.
Sitting next to Geoff, Grandma Briggs is riding shotgun for Grandpa Briggs, they hit town early wanting to catch the sights and sounds of this wonderful city. A return ferry to the beach was cheaper than the morning tea harbor cruise, the coffee on board as good as any they’d tasted back home and reasonably priced as well. At least that was the official line the daughter-in-law would get when they eventually trudged their way back. Reality is always somewhat different, the heated discussions about how much longer they had left on this planet and what good money would be when they were dead, were long forgotten as was the last word they’d had shared sometime about 2.24pm.
At the time Grandpa Briggs knew he was in trouble, he always did, no point arguing further, after 38 years of marital experience the probability of erratic behavior was immeasurably small.
Once settled on the semi comfortable plastic seat his dark semi-closed eyes had been confronted by a clear view of the young girls bright pink underwear. A clear choice of adjusting his whole body to face a slightly different position and respect the young ladies privacy or pretend not to look despite the beacon effect the fluorescent pink had, he chose the latter and ‘hang the consequences’.
Much to his surprise the girl noticed his discomfort and inability to control his wondering eyes and did nothing to hinder his view, if anything he would assess later, she actively enjoyed and encouraged his inspection.
Grandma Briggs, a now sturdy woman was well aware of her husbands wandering eyes, as a young man he had been quite a dashing fellow, she had felt extremely privileged to have captured his heart. After the kids left for boarding school his eye for the pretty girls had become more apparent, but now she knew he was just an old pervert. He wouldn’t pass an opportunity for a harmless heart starter, even if she did feel a bit embarrassed on his behalf.
She on the other hand was beyond the whole sex thing, she was fascinated at the confidence the young girl had for her age, displaying so much of her body in public. If the truth be known she was thoroughly jealous, she’d lived through the invention of the modern bikini from a distance, never being close enough to a beach or game enough at the community pool. The daring dresses of her time were nothing compared with today, but still her natural reservations had prevented her expressing her true identity fully.
Madeline perches herself on the last seat next to Jamieson, she doesn’t know Jamieson and is a little nervous of his out dated yet smart appearance. She is a watcher, she inspects everyone, everywhere, her eyes attract attention away from her body, a stunning example of what happens to teenagers when they work for years at the same law firm from high school. The remnants of self motivation sucked out, the sexual excitement of promiscuity drained by endless relationship failures, and the optimism of guaranteed future happiness stored in an unmarked corner of a slowly hardening heart.
In a mid twenties way Madeline is pretty, has a slight tummy, well fed thighs and a bum that just seemed to keep growing up, down and out. As an A cup teenager she’d dreamed of a D, a late bloomer she had been unreasonably concerned and now her ‘DD’s were booked in to be reduced before it was too late.
One lover had described her eyes as ‘Summer Moons’, they attracted attention even set in a deep space blue sky. Crystal clear almost glassy, green and without the usual hint of brown seeping in, her lover had said she could imagine herself, drifting in and out of the tiny ridges and valleys almost Imax like. Unfortunately this was the most imaginative she got and Madeline dumped her shortly afterwards.
Amy reached her peak with Beethoven and Bahms has taken up helping her express her joy to the world. Madeline is wondering what Grandpa Briggs is dreaming about, his smile a little excessive. Geoff is picturing Madeline behind a desk typing, but can’t seem to form any other picture of her much to his annoyance and Jamieson is putting the finishing touches to his route home on the underground map on the wall.
One of these people will die today
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cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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shal reviewed Version 1 -
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KimRoach reviewed Version 1 -
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LynnFollett reviewed Version 1 -
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OK not a bad start, it reminds me of a movie which name escapes me. Is someone able to see into the future? How do they know who is going to die. You leave us with too many questions and I’m wondering where this is going.
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thesnoopyone reviewed Version 1 -
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all intersting characters. I didn’t notice any glaring errors. My vote is with Geoff to die.
Divix13 reviewed Version 1 -
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This looks interesting… I’d like to read more :)
The descriptions of the people are great, and nicely detailed. But I don’t really have an image of the train carriage. Could you maybe shed a little more light on the surroundings?
Also, there are a few tense shifts—all very slight. I didn’t even notice them until the end. For instance: “Madeline perches herself on the last seat” and “Amy reached her peak with Beethoven”. Didn’t these two things happen in the same time line?
Other than that you have a nice, almost literary tone. I can’t wait to read more :)
CanguroArgentino reviewed Version 1 -
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Less is more.
Your sentences are too compact. You’re trying to say too much in a very compressed space, e.g.: At a very petite eighteen…still had potency_. Here you’re introducing her age, her preference to music, her infatuation with Beethoven, his time of death, and her sexual drive. Short sentences say the same and are much easier read. There are quite a number of these full-on sentences. People want to read a paragraph once, not three times trying to analyse the point you’re trying to make. And the sentence immediately following the last, you go off on a completely different tangent: She regularly felt…even if he were a little old How would she know how long Beethoven lasted in bed?
A stranger to her, his dress sense enough to limit further interest, scanning the other occupants of the entrance foyer seats, she resumed her passive stance and rejoined the lover in her head: This one is senseless. ...his dress sense was enough to desuade her interest? Is that what it means?
And who was scanning? Her or him?
How can she resume a stance when she was sitting in the first place? And which ‘lover’ is she rejoining? We haven’t heard about any ‘lover’ yet!
You have a nice story to tell. Just make sure you don’t tell too many stories all at once: the poor people from ‘the city of routine’ have many more responsabilities than a literature analysist, AKA Hippy!
Your stereotypical descriptions of your characters don’t make them appealing- the reader will find them as empty as you wrote them. For them to identify strongly with one or more of them, you have to provide more “personal” or “sensitive” information, like if they were from a single parent family, living with eight brothers, and working hard to help his mum, or the daughter of a media mogul, given everything her heart desires, but leaving her soul empty…etc.
Watch out for the compound words:
Imax-like
out-dated
Earl_Daniels reviewed Version 1 -
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One of these people will die today
I like how you start this out. I like where you are going. Some of your dialogue is a bit sketchy to start out with but you really seemed to smooth it out at the end. I think that you just need to go over this again and you will work out all the bugs. I did find a few things and I have pointed them out for you:
Paragraph beginning, “Amy occupies the left corner seat of the carriage, her luminous white earphone cord striking…” (The word “her” should be “a” and the word “striking should be “striking” should be “strikes” it stays with the flow you’ve established in your story line.)
Paragraph beginning, “Amy occupies the left corner…” Sentence beginning, “At a very petite eighteen, Amy would not want the world to know what it was Beethoven tickled …” (Consider changing “At a very petite eighteen, Amy would not…” to “Amy’s a very petite eighteen and wouldn’t…” also “what it was Beethoven tickled” should read “that Beethoven tickled fancy”
Paragraph beginning, “His first impression of Amy as the stereotypical beautiful…” Sentence beginning “This girl would appear in many guys…” (The word “guys” should be “guy’s”
Paragraph beginning, “Jamieson was on his fortnightly big adventure, dressed in his best outfit, a collection from the ‘Professional Him’ range of 1998, he was travelling on…” (The word “travelling” should be “traveling”)
I am very intrigued by this story and want to see more from you on this. I feel that the use of Italics will do your piece on the line, One of these people will die today will do this piece a lot more justice…
Super Text = Super Text (Use the ^ symbol before and after your text)
Bold Text = Bold Text (Use the * symbol before and after your text)
Italics Text = Italics Text (Use the _ symbol before and after your text)
= Strike-through Text (Use the – symbol before and after your text)
Underline Text = Underline Text (Use the + symbol before and after your text)
Great job.
dc0r reviewed Version 1 -
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I gave this an 8 simply because I enjoyed reading it the entire time. I like the way you have the ability to portray feelings and observations without a he said/she said description. The details aren’t lacking by any standard. Mechanically this seemed pretty flawless to me, no noticeable errors in punctuation, spelling, or grammar that I could notice anyway. Great job and keep up the good work!
jkazimer reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m torn here. I loved the setup, and the idea that the introduction places one character in peril. It reads like an Murder on the Orient Express mystery. That part really has me jazzed as a reader. Now, the part I’m not sure so of is the introductions. One character is introduced and we are given a brief sketch, then another is. It makes me reflect on if I care that one will die? The character sketches to me, aren’t round enough to make it so, yet, if you develop them more some of the mystery and excitement about the one will die falls away. It’s a damned if you do situation.
As a side note, I thought the writing was well done, with the exception of the sheer number of numbers used. That’s a personal opinion and preference. I hate to read math…
Couple of edits:
remnants of self(-) motivation
A cup teenager(,) she’d
Overall, nicely done. I look forward to finding out which one bites the bullet.
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