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Poetry / Transient Being
My passion at times has been dull
Others were there; I was null
Others spoke words; I have no dream
My soul cries out a common scream.
From this same well I no longer understand,
My soul; It fails to become grand
To sing my heart back to note;
And what was dear, I left un-wrote.
Now in my passion, in the light
A soul in turbid trite- saw blight
Around every corner unknown and foreseen
My passion eludes me; now still my dream.
In my nightmare, or the dream,
In my destiny left unseen,
In my passions that have me bound
The joy of words without a sound.
In the glory of the heavens,
A place not known to me,
In the death and resurrection,
And a souls second election
Where others passions became that dream,
My demon continues to scream.
All rights reserved©2006 DamondQuinn.
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Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 1 -
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It might just be me, but the rhyme in this made me nauseous. It felt forced and distracted me from the actual content. Also, if you’re going to stick with this rhyme, I suggest sticking to the stanza form you establish in the first three sections of this piece. If you’re going to force rhyme you might as well stick to it, particularly in lines 5 & 6 of the last chunk of words.
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anjuli_fair reviewed Version 1 -
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Nothing spectacular to keep me engaged. Maybe it’s the predictable rhyme pattern that makes me skim the surface and not dive into it.
antihedgehog reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it. I like the rhythm and the repetition.
proofreading:
‘My soul; It fails to become grand To sing my heart back to note; My passion eludes me; now still my dream.’
I would replace the semicolons with commas.
‘And a souls second.. Where others passions’ ‘Souls’ and ‘others’ should have apostrophes. Possessive nouns.
lacreo reviewed Version 1 -
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Although it is obviously written with care and craft, a few of the rhymes seems a bit forced. In particular:
To sing my heart back to note;
And what was dear, I left un-wrote.
I did enjoy the piece though.
derrellpoetry reviewed Version 1 -
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“In the death and resurrection,and a souls second election” I love it! Great poem!
Ramblin_Jack reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked the rhyming structure and the last line was pretty haunting
MoulinCool reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an excellent start. However, at times I feel the rhyming is forced.
Ie: “Now in my passion, in the light
A soul in turbid trite- saw blight”
&
“In the death and resurrection,
And a souls second election”
I am very confused about the last line “And a souls second election” I suppose the word “election” throws me off. The word doesn’t really fit the poem.
At any rate, I like it and wish you the best of luck. Take care =]
Drake_Lightle reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure how the title works with copyright law, given that there’s a book and movie with the same name. Could be problematic…enough so that I’d change the name to protect the innocent (i.e. yourself).
That being said, I liked your subject but didn’t care for your method of delivery…not a fan of structured rhyme. Your rhyme scheme here didn’t come across as sing songy, but it didn’t flow like natural speech either. The only time I find rhyme works is when it flows like unconscious thought and the rhyme appears to be afterthought, not forethought.
What I took from this is a severe case of writer’s block…a writer driven by the demon, the need to write, staring at a blank page and devoid of inspiration, and seeking immortality in the written word.
timben1 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good poem and difficult to critique objectively (I’m digging for some useful criticism). I can relate to what I perceive to be the / a theme. For me, it’s having had so many things happen that have taken a toll and have been mostly unable to translate it into my art.
I sometimes felt that the rhyme forced the meaning more than the other way. The 2 lines with “heavens” and “me” did not rhyme, but I guess that could be a transition or something since it broke half way in the large stanza at the end.
Good Work!
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