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Poetry / Be Lost With Me
There’s a woman between us.
She doesn’t want you
To be drawn into my trap.
She knows
I am tricky tricky;
And she sees you
Falling asleep
Inside the shelter of my trees
Being lost to her forever.
Nothing can compare
To my ravenous appetite.
The world inside my arms
Is addictive and hollow
Empty spaces for you to shelter;
Hidden from her anger.
How do you feel
About being seduced
By my warm hungry mouth?
How do you feel
About losing yourself
In my warm hungry hands?
I can feel it in my unrest.
I know you dream of it too.
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deadzero reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the analogies you use in this poem
The world inside my arms
Is addictive and hollow
Empty spaces for you to shelter
I love the image it portrays in my mind.
I like how you make it known that there is very little time and no room for mistakes and you have to make sure that he is yours. To make you feel a little better from earlier reviews I like the line using tricky tricky puts emphasis on the point that you are trying to make! I like it!
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t0a5t reviewed Version 1 -
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First off, I like the first line. It captures the reader, urging the reader to keep going. I do wonder, though, who this “she” is. However, I like how you personalized the poem from the beginning. And I also like how you structured the poem, how the line flows right into the next without disrupting the internal rhythm of the poem. If this is an experiment, it’s very well done. Good job. And I like towards the end where you ask a question, and then, follow it up with a statement saying, “I can feel it in my unrest. I know you dream of it, too.”
Incognito reviewed Version 1 -
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I am impressed wit this poem. I see you have punctuation in some parts and not others… it would help if you had it all throughout.
“Falling asleep
Inside the shelter of my trees”
This is a great analogy. I like the way you have used trees as sort of a symbol for your love and affection. Your whole poem echoes this same sentiment throughout, and you have provided a thought-provoking and warm poem. It provided a clear mental image—which is what I love when poems do. Great job.
_lisamarie_ reviewed Version 1 -
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You know, I am a little puzzled, yet I absolutely loved this poem. I liked how you were able to show that because you were empty inside, there was plenty of room for someone to hide. (Didn’t rhyme on purpose). It is true. There are always people out there who are able to, almost scope out, and find those who feel so empty. They are able to feed off these people, to make themselves feel better about their own emptiness.
I am slightly perplexed as to the last line “I know you dream of it too” It is a nice line and sounds good with the rest of the poem, however, what is it that you know this person is dreaming of too? Is it the empty feeling? The warm hungry mouth and hands? Being lost to this other person? Or is it about being seduced? It is a little unclear. I wouldn’t suggest taking the line out, however, I would suggest maybe adding another line before it to give it more of a lead in. This way it may be a little more clear about what they are supposed to be dreaming of, without being too clear. Overall, I liked it. I think it could use some “tweaking”, but don’t overdo it.
candycorn_luver reviewed Version 1 -
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I am not too sure that I like how you said tricky twice, that really confused me and I read it several times seeing if it added any meaning and I found that it doesn’t, although I did like this piece, it shows the desire very well, thanks for the read. I give it an 8.
-Jessica Lynn
Drake_Lightle reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this experiment. It’s sultry and oh so familiar. A safe haven of trees from a tempest…is the “woman between us” a woman or something else entirely? For that matter, is the first-person voice a “woman”?
Interpreted literally or metaphorically, either way works for me…
...it’s still about longing for soft, warm respite from something cold and hard.
It’s a comfortable restlessness to be lost in the mind of another.
Jaredwrites reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem becomes more about you (the narrator) than the woman between you and the man. That’s a nice opening line, though I’d cut “in”. THis poem becomes very seductive and even sensuous, which I like a lot. It even makes a character progression of a sort. I seem to learn more about the speaker with every line. At first with the tricky tricky line, the narrator seems sneaky and maybe conniving, but as the poem continues it is not about simply trying to take him away from the other girl, it is about the narrator’s longing for him as she tries to seduce. It’s those last lines that really take her away from wiley seductress and make her full in passion for him. There’s a typo 5 lines from the last. It is a beautiful poem of seduction all in all. As the reader, I feel like I am being seduced.
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