Poetry / Lemon Feet

Delightful, fresh, memorable poem.  Suggest you revise the 1st line of the 4th stanza because it has less beats than all other verses and interrupts the flow.  And also think there are two many “feet”s in this segment (the poem’s rhyming rhythm is consistent other than this):

so no feet, would smell, so sweet.

I quietly laid beside her,
to play with her lemon feet.

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September 26, 2007

by Frogking

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
806	74.3% (144 votes)	29.5%

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50	M	El Cajon, CA	September 07

I fight over that forth stanza so much, we’re old enemies. I see, what you mean about too many feet. I’ll rest on it, then get back to her later. Of all my poems, this is one of my favorites even if it doesn’t make the grade. It’s personal! I think you know what I mean.

September 27, 2007

by steviemchugh

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44	100.0% (2 votes)	44.1%

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50	F	Houston, TX	November 27

I wouldn’t say it doesn’t make the grade.  It’s obvious from your many kudos that the poem works well enough as is to connect resoundingly with readers.  I write a lot of rhyming poems myself and have received many instructional critiques from experienced poets, and that’s the kind of info I’ve passed on to you here.   I love LEMON FEET!  Great job!

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You certainly entertained this reader! Vivid, whimsical imagery with the ache of longing. Throwing out the ‘bodice ripper’ is perfect. Don’t change a thing.

So refreshing. This made me smile. It has an uplifting feel. The rhyme is smooth and flows evenly. Lemon toe to toe is so natural and simple. It’s a simply great poem.

I really enjoyed your poem. In your description of the color of her eye’s, I think you mean’t green (singular) instead of the (plural) ‘greens eyes’.
Other than that I really felt like I was there also in your imagery. You did a very good job on this piece.  God bless you in your writing endeavor’s….Della

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September 26, 2007

by Frogking

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
806	74.3% (144 votes)	29.5%

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50	M	El Cajon, CA	September 07

Thank you for the good review. I have the new revision of this up if you like.

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I really like this, it’s romantic yet has a hint of angst in it.  The lemon theme (if you will) is really cool.  Really all I can say is that I really liked it, you have a definite way with words.  I think that this piece would benefit a book of poetry.  I could see it meaning just as much to other people.

“lemon feet on my mind” is a figure, but the poem is actually a figure, and the idea in a poem is to imprint on our consciousness the ephermal yet telling “her feet, and the impression of lemon feet”, so that the image and concept will fuse, as a poem, and a new concept will be born… then an SUV can be named and marketed after it. but, before that, a convincing poem has to be written.

I absolutely love this poem.  Short, simple, to the point yet with imagery that makes you stop and visualize the scene being painted.  Your words are not complicated, but put so well together they create a complex picture of a boy and girl and first love.  I enjoyed reading this!!!!

Very visual piece and unique.  It brought to mind Lolita, however this female may have been older, there was nothing to suggest she was, however.  I liked your descriptive verse.

I thought this was well written light airy and very tender , was worth reading.

This is a very vivid, alive poem. I love the fact that it doesn’t rhyme (i don’t know why people think poetry has to rhyme -i mean, what about e.e. cummings??). The contrast between the color of the lemons and the grass is so rich.
I love the voice used in the poem. the voice gives the poem such an excellent aura. i love the visual words that you use such as, “lemon feet.” very awesome.

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October 25, 2006

by icomeanon

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178	92.9% (42 votes)	57.1%

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22	F	Dahlonega, GA	September 06

or rather, i like the fact that it rhymes, but not in a third-grade sort of manner.

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