Poetry / Water on the Windows
Outside,
The rain falls lightly, playfully
Drawing lines upon the window,
Beads and streams of smiling water
And the gray is not so heavy,
Not so deep.
Inside,
The fire crackles to break the silence
And the warmth evades chilled hearts
As she looks silently away.
Outside,
The steady roll of drums
Drown the heavy thudding of hearts,
All the while soothing open wounds
With the cleansing passage of time.
Inside,
I know my apology will not do
To rebuild what harsh words have broken,
Things said but never meant,
Things I would die to take back inside,
Seeing the hurt in her eyes
And feeling the break in my heart.
Outside,
The storm wears itself down,
Gentle rain slowing to a padded tapping,
Leaving two hearts in unbearable silence
In the passing of a moment.
Inside,
I want to go back and change my words,
I want to promise “never again,”
But I am only a fool
Who will do as fools do.
Let me say instead “I love you”
And hate myself for hurting you.
You: my lover, my friend, my confidante.
Let us talk again, my love
So I can say all that is held inside.
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This could be really good if it were tightened up a bit.
The “inside/outside” at the start of each stanza is not required. It works the first time, but by the end of the poem it starts to feel trite and forced. The reader is with you by then, I would suggest dropping it.
“rain falls lightly, playfully” and “smiling water” don’t work. It is a good idea, but you can find a much stronger metaphor (it reminds me of Bob Ross painting “a happy little tree in the corner here” and I’m not sure that’s what you’re trying to invoke).
Overall, I come away feeling like you could have said much more with far fewer words. You have a good idea that just needs a bit of retooling.
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This is a pretty good piece. I like how you had two torrents of emotion of ‘inside’ and ‘outside’ alternating. Is it me, or do people always do stupid things to the people they love? Good piece though!!
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