Thank you for taking the time to review my work but I’d like to mention a couple of things. Firstly, the piece is called ‘I Witness’ because the it is something the narrator has seen. Secondly, nowhere in this piece does it say anything about the narrator having done something terrible. The narrator is simply the Eye Witness and as the narrator is me, the piece is called ‘I Witness’. It was what I saw in a dream. As to the meaning of it, I’m as much in the dark as many of the reviewers have been. By the way, piece should be PIECE not PEICE. No offense intended. I have noted this review as being helpful, thank you. :)
Short Story / I Witness
I Witness.
How long I have been sitting here I know not. The moon is in the same position as when I last looked at it but I cannot tell if it is still the same night or not. All I am sure of is that my task is completed. The voice is silent once more and all seems as it should be.
I had been traveling for many miles when I stopped to take rest. The air was cooler in the evening so I had been journeying at night and making camp in the dawn. I closed my eyes briefly and that’s when I heard the voice. As it to whether it was male or female I cannot say with any certainty. “Behold that which I show you. Look and understand. Record all you have seen so others may know of it’s truth.” When I opened my eyes the scene before me had changed. The moon had been replaced by the sun and the landscape was altered and unfamiliar to me. From where I was sitting I could see the ocean and the place where land met sea.
The sea roared like an angry beast and swelled with power and pride. The sound was deafening. I watched transfixed as the sea rose up and up and traveled inland gathering pace as it flooded the land. In what seemed an instant the waters receded to be replaced with the green shoots of new life. It was if I had witnessed a rebirth of the land. Soon after, the sun set and as it touched the sea it hissed and was instantly gone from my view. Once again the scene had changed. I was now gazing upon a town, its people busy in the streets. As I watched it seemed as if the townsfolk were moving in slow motion and their attention drawn skyward. Stars seemed to fall from the skies and the people were afraid. With the rising of the sun came a new flood. This time when the waters had dried, so did the land. It was as dry and cracked as the parchment in my hand. The people were nowhere to be seen. The sea roared once more and swelled and made its way across the land. As before, it receded. This time I saw the land blackened by a sticky substance. It covered all in its path and the stench of death was strong.
Above a large group of vultures was circling drawn, no doubt, by the foul odors assailing my nostrils. I was wrong though. These were not vultures but larger birds of war and their number was many. As fire fell from their beaks to the town below the people screamed in horror. Many fell to their knees in prayer and supplication. They uttered apologies and promises but for what I couldn’t say.
When the birds flew away I looked into the distance and saw a cloud rise above the earth. It sent rays outward and everything close by was immediately consumed. I knew I was many leagues away and yet I felt the heat. The town was gone as were its people. There was not a beast or bird to be seen. Buildings and houses were destroyed by this incredible fire. What caused this destruction I cannot tell but I remembered the actions of the townsfolk and their appeals to a higher power. Did they, somehow, feel that it was their fault? Perhaps.
Did I dream these events or was it some kind of prophetic vision? Did these events belong in the past or were they still to come? I know not. I have completed the task set me and have recorded all I saw. Maybe some day someone will read this and think “We should have seen the signs”. If all this is indeed a sign I can only hope to God that someone pays
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Mikkosgirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how descriptive you are, but some of the phrases and how you’ve worded them make me become a little lost. I’m not saying that it tries too hard, but it can make the reader lose interest. Your word choice reaches a little too high also, but if you were to explain your narrator a little more, I’m sure it wouldn’t be an issue.
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crimsonarchon reviewed Version 1 -
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The writing is good. There is no dialog or character development so I can’t really critique that at all. There’s nothing overtly wrong with this at all, but it just doesn’t connect with me.
matty_j reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked this piece. a have a couple of questions for you. is the protagonist an angel or other “heavenly being”? it seems as though they aren’t concerned or affected by what’s happening to the town in front of them.
on the other hand, the way the story abbruptly stops makes me think that they were destroyed while finishing a thought.
a little confusing to me, but i liked it, nonetheless.
no matter what, the point you are trying to make comes across easily.
and i agree with you….
nice work!
Fresh_Fish reviewed Version 1 -
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I am not trying to be offensive here, but I just don’t think I understand it. I’ve got the basics down: narrator hears voices, has done something terrible, loses time… but I’m not seeing the story. We don’t really get to know the character or even what the crime is that is committed.
Who is the witness here? The play on words with eye witness and I witness doesn’t really work here because in essence, the narrator had lost time during the bloody event and wasn’t really there. Maybe with a few clarifications this peice could be worked out. Keep at it.
TabulaLife reviewed Version 1 -
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This short story has a very classic feel to it, which is refreshing. I love the almost european-style descriptive writing you employ. You have an ability for giving the reader visual images through your words. I honestly can’t think of much I’d change about this. Very good job
polkadot_princess reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the line ‘The sea roared like an angry beast and swelled with power and pride’.
This is very prophetic and you seem to have written it in an old age style. It is almost like a nature documentary but you are descriptive and explain things well. Some of your sentences are slightly ling and could be broken up more in order to read better but I did like this.
x
Silic0Ns0uL reviewed Version 1 -
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The descriptions are very good and compelling. I admit that it was the curiosity that kept me reading; I wondered if there was some purpose to the repetition. However, it seems as though the narrator doesn’t know either, which, while it’s okay since the narrator basically stated that all he was doing was recording what he saw, certainly doesn’t make the reader any more satisfied. I believe that the point of any written piece should evoke a strong response, either satisfaction or dissatisfaction, and this one simply left me with “ehhh.” That’s not to say it wasn’t written well, because your command of the words is excellent. I just feel that it needs something to connect the reader to the story better. Also, the last two sentences seem completely out of place.
avedis reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmm, a prophecy or memory story, a warning either way.
Captured well. An oldish theme, though made your own.
Basically well written, I have a few suggestions for improvement;
A lot of your phrasing is jarring r clumsy, I’m not sure if you are deliberately aiming for this. I’ll assume not.
“same position as when I last”. Jarring, ->”same position as before”
“All I am sure of is that my task” clumsy->”My only certainty is that my task”
Four sentences in a row lack a comma. It is not a broken ‘rule’, but I think they would improve with the addition.
“I had been traveling for many miles,..”
“The air was cooler in the evening,...”
“I closed my eyes briefly,..”
“As it to whether it was male or female,...”
There are a lot more, but you decide.
Repetition, “The sea roared…as the sea ”->”The sea roared..transfixed as it”
This, though I get the idea, jars from inaccuracy. “replaced with the green shoots of new life”. Salt water kills soil mainly. Pedantic, I know, but my opinion I’m afraid.
I see a lot of the word ‘seemed’ on Urbis, it is so weak and overused.
“As I watched it seemed as if the townsfolk”-> Either “As I watched, the townsfolk appeared to”, or “As I watched, I sensed the townsfolk..”
And again, “Stars seemed to fall”, just plain old “Stars fell from the sky” would be better.
“was not a beast or bird ” -> “was neither beast nor bird “
“The town was gone as were its people…There was not a beast or bird to be seen….remembered the actions of the townsfolk ” are contradictions. Reword these.
Overall, very good.
MARCH reviewed Version 1 -
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Even though I was confused just like the character I liked it. You describe some of the things he see and made me think. For example the big birds fire stuff from their noses. They could be normal or actual big birds. Like this whole story is a big cliff hanger that makes me want to find out what is really going on.I didnt spot any errors in it and enjoyed reading it.
aquaruischick reviewed Version 1 -
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what is this about? what is the storyline? who are the characters? add a storyline so we know what we are reading about and the meaning of the story is. this is confusing and bland
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