Poetry / Together
The first bite on her shoulder
marked her as an excuse
to release my anxiety.
Vengeance,
for losing the competition
with her husband,
my rival
from State Wrestling Championships,
many years ago…
Or so I thought by her response!
I opened a doorway that led us here
on the top of his ‘68 Fastback Mustang.
His lust for Detroit iron
made her
ravaging red-haired
beautiful self feel
a need for a temporary respite
enriched with grandeur, flowers, and
encouragement,
saturated with serendipity,
substance,
with sincere and subtle strategies.
Setting up the surveillance cameras
was her way of saying, ‘Hi! Here’s nostalgia.’
Her python leg lock onto my shoulders
concentrated a scent of jasmine musk
driving me
to nurse the venom out.
The acute convulsions were electric.
Sub-vocal conversations between us
conjured stormy sun showers.
We shifted from doing to being
thought stopping,
active emulations
of the major constellations.
We became!
Showing no emotions, no pleasure, no fear…
We stopped breathing, transcending towards love,
as its own cosmos.
Thirteen positions later…
We were not the same people that
happened to rendezvous.
We are now love.
Over exposed film will be forgotten
Only chaotic supernovas could
hot wire this ride…
Love tends to make magic and make believe
sore, wet, willing, and highly desired.
Our sacred dance showed us a true secret
that only now we understand.
As I pick her up,
finger swirling her cocktail,
to watch
and feel her quiver,
and carry her off
to further spontaneity.
Together.
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Damn! Nice job. Too many favorite moemtns to list – no kidding.
Get rid of the exclaimation points. They are a distravction and you don’t need them. Your level of diction is perfect and all the emotion comes through.
Some tweaks:
“on the top of his ‘68 Fastback Mustang.” Delete “fastback”. it salows the line down and caused the reader to imagine the car instead of them
V7 is my favorite, alliterate without screaming “look what I can do” and full of exposition and economy.
“Her python leg lock [on] my shoulders” ”Onto” tripped the rythm.
I take it back – V12 is my favorite. No make that V19. Really, lots of fun lines in this puppy.
And a great ending. Original imagery. This need a title to match the body. Adding to favorites
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Sub-vocal conversations” is really great. You’ve created a painting of that moment. I thought the ” thirteen positions” line was a little out of character with the piece.
After you’ve painted the picture, you go on for a bit about the relationship. This is all exposition and is almost like a caption of the big garage scene. If you were to use a caption device in the piece it might work well. But rather make the second part integral to the whole moment. That moment is so strong it must be the whole piece. Maybe work those last lines into the first ones so that the event is the piece, slowly revealing the psychology of the narrator.
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