but i shrunk too much already :)
yeah this is a little akward- definately not one of my etter works.
Poetry / Shrink Versus Pre-Shrunk
Shrink Versus Pre-Shrunk 10/23/06
To shrink or not to shrink
That is the question
We live in a society in which all MUST shrink
But the Law states one must NOT shrink
This paradox can drive you insane
The shirt says pre-shrunk so is it ok to shrink?
Or is it redundant??
These deep philosophical questions need answering
If clothing can shrink why cant we?
We are not less of them or than them,
On the contrary – after they shrunk they are less than us!
So in a general sense shrinking should be allowed
For the benefits of shrunk might be small
But freedom is freedom – no matter how tall
With these thoughts in mind I made my decision,
I traveled far and wide – and I finally found
A shrink – yes a REAL shrink
But WOW was he small.
Must have shrunk for fifty years now
Even his shirt was too big….
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Raef reviewed Version 1 -
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This is definitely interesting.
Wouldn’t want to read it aloud, with all the “shrink”s and “shrunk”s, but it works fine in my head.
I’m glad you say you’re not sure what it means, because i don’t have to feel bad for not understanding some of it. However, i still like it, maybe because of the humourous, conversational tone of the majority.
A few grammatical adjustments:
“cant” needs an appostrophe (line 9)
i think “they” (line 11) should maybe be “they’ve”.
Overall, it’s pretty good, and if i were to venture a wild interpretation, i’d say it maybe reflects on the modern reliance upon psychological
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townxelliot reviewed Version 1 -
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I think there’s a grain of a good idea in here, and it made me smile. Perhaps tighten it up. I’d remove the slightly banal rhyme ”...shrunk might be small/...no matter how tall”. Maybe you could be writing about a fantastical society where people must shrink and there’s a law against being tall (suggested in the second stanza)? That’s interesting, and there are good metaphorical possibilities in that as a mirror on our society: e.g. to be “shrunk” in the sense of becoming psychologically stable via a psychiatrist (which again you hint at in the last couple of stanzas, which I liked; tall = mad?). Maybe a more narrative approach (voice of a dissident in that society) could work?
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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ha ha ha this is funny. aside from the subject matter: I think the writing starts to falter a little with the line “But freedom is freedom – no matter how tall” that line is a little contrived and the freedom abstraction used twice in a row is off putting. Also the rhyme is kinda over done (tall-small). You could probably do without that line. Also there is a little awkwardness in the stanza that follows this line, breaking the line differently could probably solve it, and fixing the punctuation (dash before and should be cut). This is a funny poem, pre-shrunk is the way to go baby!
confessdeny reviewed Version 1 -
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Some missing words in here.. some need to be changed, but i really like the ideas, having experience with being “shrunk” myself (ie: subjected to a shrink!) so I really like your last two stanzas.
crg1323 reviewed Version 1 -
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i hate 2 be the “shrink” 4 this poem,(but.i.think.u.do.one.need.one.4.this.poem) but i do think--i know--that ppl can shrink (sumetimes more than clothing)....been there, seen that, done,that.
kritzic reviewed Version 1 -
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Well I’m glad you don’t know what it means because that makes 2 of us but there are some pretty cool aspects of it. I really like how you ended with a little shrink in a big shirt..lol it’s kind of a fun piece.
Devaki reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a witty poem. Generally, I like it. I can hear it being performed as I read it. You might want to take it for a test drive at an area poetry reading.
There are some suggestions I have….choose carefully which word you use…shrink, shrunk, shrinking. there are a few places where I’m not sure your choice is the best…”after they shrunk they are less than us”, “the benefits of shrunk might be small”
I also think you should look at your word choice in the line ‘we are not less of them or than them”...this feels awkward in phrasing, you may want to rethink it.
I notice you say you’re not sure what you mean by this and I think it shows. You might want to read it a few times or even have other people tell you what they get out of it so that you -can- know and edit accordingly. Once you have a solid meaning in mind you may also want to expand it…it doesn’t feel finished yet.
I can’t quite understand this poem yet. In the beginning I think that when you say “we live in a society in which all must shrink” I’m thinking you’re referring to weight. Then “The law says we must not shrink” What law? I get confused here. Then at the end I think you mean shrink as in psychiatrist. It’s possible to mean all of these at different points, but you need to make it flow better, to make it connect.
I hope this is helpful.
sunita666 reviewed Version 1 -
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You know, there is something about this that I like, and I want to like it more because it is so damn quirky, but there’s something missing. I have no idea what. I like the last stanza especially. Overall, the word play is fun, and the poem itself is funny, but again, something’s missing. But since you don’t know what it means, and I don’t know what it means, then we might never know what it is. What?!
jungsnkim reviewed Version 1 -
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Such create talent. I love the questions about shirts and shrinking or not and it is a mirror of mental health in the country. Love the playfulness of it and goes in and out like weaving might, you know back and forth, etc. Really like it…but the end how could you end it just like that. When I read but WOW was he small. I was waiting for that same in and out about the man. You only had one weave. Great job in my opinion.
cheryllleee reviewed Version 1 -
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Again cliche, say it in your words.
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